Sorry For The Lack Of Bloggage

Busy times in the land of little to no grad school. And by busy, I mean, I've been burning alot of vacation days, and everyone knows work is the primary place for bloggage.

I pledge a return after the New Year in effect.

1. "Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, Illinois" – 2:09
2. "The Black Hawk War, or, How to Demolish an Entire Civilization and Still Feel Good About Yourself in the Morning, or, We Apologize for the Inconvenience but You're Going to Have to Leave Now, or, 'I Have Fought the Big Knives and Will Continue to Fight Them Until They Are off Our Lands!'" – 2:14
3. "Come On! Feel the Illinoise!" – 6:45
I. "The World's Columbian Exposition"
II. "Carl Sandburg Visits Me in a Dream"
4. "John Wayne Gacy Jr." – 3:19
5. "Jacksonville" – 5:24
6. "A Short Reprise for Mary Todd, Who Went Insane, but for Very Good Reasons" – 0:47
7. "Decatur, or, Round of Applause for Your Step Mother!" – 3:03
8. "One Last 'Whoo-Hoo!' for the Pullman" – 0:06
9. "Chicago" – 6:04
10. "Casimir Pulaski Day" – 5:54
11. "To the Workers of the Rock River Valley Region, I Have an Idea Concerning Your Predicament" – 1:40
12. "The Man of Metropolis Steals Our Hearts" – 6:17
13. "Prairie Fire that Wanders About" – 2:11
14. "A Conjunction of Drones Simulating the Way in which Sufjan Stevens Has an Existential Crisis in the Great Godfrey Maze" – 0:19
15. "The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades Is Out to Get Us!" – 5:23
16. "They Are Night Zombies!! They Are Neighbors!! They Have Come back from the Dead!! Ahhhh!" – 5:09
17. "Let's Hear that String Part Again, Because I Don't Think They Heard It All the Way out in Bushnell" – 0:40
18. "In this Temple as in the Hearts of Man for Whom He Saved the Earth" – 0:35
19. "The Seer's Tower" – 3:54
20. "The Tallest Man, the Broadest Shoulders" – 7:03
I. "The Great Frontier"
II. "Come to Me Only with Playthings Now"
21. "Riffs and Variations on a Single Note for Jelly Roll, Earl Hines, Louis Armstrong, Baby Dodds, and the King of Swing, to Name a Few" – 0:46
22. "Out of Egypt, into the Great Laugh of Mankind, and I Shake the Dirt from My Sandals as I Run" – 4:21

My Hatred Of Nickelback Has (Almost) Nothing To Do With How Terrible Their Music Is, OR Nickelback Shows No Regard To Human Life, Particularly Mine

This is a topsy turvy world but there are a few constants. What goes up must come down, teenagers in public will always be annoying, and Nickelback sucks.

The majority of Nickelback detractors harp on the fact that everyone of the band's songs sound exactly the same. This is true, check this out and remember to turn up your speakers.

Nickelback lead singer and clever wordsmith, Chad Kroeger, has countered back against this movement with this retort:

"Nickelback doesn't suck"

Kroeger's main argument is that, Nickelback produces a "hit sound", and wouldn't be so popular if they "sucked".

The "___ can't be terrible because so many people like it" defense is deplorable at best. Take America, where George W. Bush won a Presidential election, 'Deal Or No Deal' is a popular show, and MySpace is the most popular website. Under Kroeger's argument, these 3 things would "not suck" and in fact, be really good, when in reality:

George W. Bush is a retard
Deal Or No Deal is television for retards
and
Myspace helps retards find eachother.

For the record, I do contest that Nickelback sucks, but when it comes to my hatred of the band, that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Allow me to explain:

It was 2002 and I was at Hofstra University.

There was a good mood surrounding the campus because a concert was coming to Hempstead. Concerts are always fun at college despite the musical act, because it's a cheap diversion from the normal bar scene (I mean, I was stoked to see Jimmy's Chicken Shack and 2 Skinnee J's one year). And it's never not fun to get inordinately fucked up in front of a live musical act, on campus nonetheless

This year's triple bill featured Default, Saliva, and, you guessed it, Nickelback.

That afternoon I had to work at the Sports Information Dept. in the Physical Fitness Center until about 3pm, then it was back to Nassau Hall for hours worth of pregaming. On the menu, cheap beer and expensive marijuana.

I left work at the PFC and headed down my normal route, passing the baseball diamond, and cutting through one of the intramural fields when I heard a hellish buzzing sound (not disimilar to the bridge of "How You Remind Me, FYI) coming from my right. I looked over and saw the entire band Nickelback on some sort of ATV, rounding the gym, and heading straight towards me at about 40 miles per hour (see map).


I did the only thing one would do when about to be run over by a run of the mill Canadian rock and roll band. I stood still, waited to die, and pictured the sad music and somber narration they would use before the commercial break when talking about this instance on Behind the Music: Nickelback. I also kind of wished I was about to be killed by a better band (which is also why I never accept rides from Vince Neil).

Fortunately, Nickelback is a lot better at maneuvering all terrain vehicles than they are at playing instruments, and they narrowly avoided me.

I went on to tell my tale to anyone who would listen, eventually imbibing in enough substances to kill the cast of Diff'rent Strokes, and then heading to the concert with some friends.

Oh, also, Nickelback really sucked that night.
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YouTube Clip Of The Day

Don't Forget Boxing Day Tomorrow, There's Still Gifts To Give


Don't Forget Boxing Day

A Lonely Jew On Christmas

I have to work tonight, which you'd think wouldn't be a big deal seeing how I'm Jewish, but it's pretty much a bummer.

Christmas is a pretty big day for Jews, too. Not religiously, but activity-wise. Everyone has their own traditions and so do I.

The imitable Jon JP Prag founded "A Very Jewish Christmas" a few years ago and it's a pretty big hit. The basic premise is to do what all Jews do on Xmas (eat chinese food, watch movies, gamble) but Jon organizes it in a way like no other.

Here's this year's tentative schedule from the evite:

Foxwoods in the morning for those who can make it!
Time: TBA-2:00pm

Dreidel for Money
Time: 4:30pm

China Town Canton/Stoughton
Time: 6:00pm Check-in (we will have to wait about an hour)
*** THIS IS A FAMILY STYLE MEAL ***

Movie (****TAKE THE POLL****)
Time: After diner

FYI
Rocky Balboa - A computer simulation says Rocky can beat the current champ. Can he?!?!

Night at the Museum – Ben Stiller is a night watchman at a museum where everything comes to life to chase him. And he may even trip on something!

Children of Men – Humanity is on the brink of extinction and only one woman can get pregnant. Kind of sexy!

Dreamgirls – Jamie Fox brings a group of singers to the top of the charts. I swear it isn’t about the Supremes… REALLY!

The Pursuit of Happyness – Will Smith is a down-on-his luck dad trying to land a job as Wall Street trader. Little does he know it’s really a cold-call sales position!


Please forward this invitation on to people whose e-mail addresses I don't have!!!

And a reminder: no Christians please! Anyone who brings one will be crucified with them.

And their are even poems involved

2006's:

Deck the halls with Jewish splendor
Fa-la-la-la-la, oy-oy-oy-vay
'Tis the day we Jews meander
Fa-la-la-la-la, oy-oy-oy-vay
Once, we had nothing to do
Fa-la-la-la-la, oy-oy-oy-vay
Now this day is built for me and you
Fa-la-la-la-la, oy-oy-oy-vay

First we’ll have a little gambling
Fa-la-la-la-la, oy-oy-oy-vay
Follow that up with dreidel dancing
Fa-la-la-la-la, oy-oy-oy-vay
Then it’s the good ‘ol Chinese food
Fa-la-la-la-la, oy-oy-oy-vay
Finish it with a movie that’s good
Fa-la-la-la-la, oy-oy-oy-vay

It’s been our tradition for ten years past
Fa-la-la-la-la, oy-oy-oy-vay
The fun we have is unsurpassed
Fa-la-la-la-la, oy-oy-oy-vay
And finally we can all say with class
Fa-la-la-la-la, oy-oy-oy-vay
This is a Very Jewish Christmas!
Fa-la-la-la-la, oy-oy-oy-vay

2005's

I'm dreaming of a Very Jewish Christmas
Just like the ones we have come to love and know
Though the goyim would like us to christen
The Chinese people would listen
To our need to eat food that does not blow

I'm dreaming of a Very Jewish Christmas
With Chanukah candles to light
May your movie screen be lit up bright
And may all your casinos payout without a fight

I'm dreaming of a Very Jewish Christmas
It's become our true holiday tradition
Bring all those who aren't Christian
Especially those who would be a new addition

Gambling, Chinese food and a movie...
That is a Very Jewish Christmas!!

So, with regrets, I can't make it this year, thanks to the Liberal Jewish Media calling my name again. This is a shame because I usually end up having a good time, watching a semi good movie (except the time we saw Paycheck), getting mildly fucked up, and eating the best Chinese food the South Shore has to offer.

Bah Humbug indeed
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YouTube Clip Of The Day

The Secretly Not So Exciting Lives Of Liquor Store Employees

The majority of people who read this blog are either collegians, people in the News business, or Phisheads. You may feel like there is no correllation between the three but there is a major connection.

Booze.

Newsmen drink to take the edge off, Phishheads booze because getting 1 for $3 and 2 for $5 is a great deal, and collegians binge drink like it's their job, because it is their job.

So I feel like I can begin to write this, knowing that most of you have been inside a Liquor Store before in some incarnation.

In Massachusetts, they're Package Stores, in Pennsylvania they're Booze and Cruises, and in Kentucky they're your bathtub. No matter what they're called, they have a common thread. The people working there.

Old, young, man, woman.

The liquor store employees are the gate keepers to a world which you love/abhorr/regret/got sclerosis from. That being, said you probably don't know much them.

Well, it's your lucky day, fan, because I happen to have experienced life as a liquor store employee way back in the summer of 2004.

Times were good. I was working with my buddy Chaves and another hilarious dude Jesse, who has sadly dropped off the face of the planet. Eventually my brother came into the equation, but not before I left for a real job.

Together we had a pretty fantastic time, and if it weren't for the customers, I would've never left. You see our liquor store was fairly boring so we needed to entertain ourselves any way we could.

-We organized the Andrade's Liquors Olympics, complete with keg racing obstacle course, 6-pack construction, and freezer restocking.

-Read, collectively, 7 books a week.

-Learned that lottery addicts are way worse than alcoholics.

-Theorized on possible ways to spend $200m+ lottery jackpots, including but not limited to:
-Buying out Super Bowl commercial time to invite people to a killer party you were having.
-Renting several RV's for you and friends to take out on a nation-wide scavenger hunt.
-Being Van Wilder

-Creating this:

The Andrade's Liquors Unofficial Official Guide To Customers That Make You Want To Jump Off A Bridge

1) The customer who spends hours on end scratching tickets at the register.

2) The customer who ignores the "More Imported Beer Around The Corner" sign and yells at you for not stocking Corona or Heineken.

3) The customer who comes in everday, Monday through Friday, at lunchtime and you already know exactly what they're buying (2 nips of Jack Daniels and a 16oz Budweiser) because they're dirty alcoholics.

4) Customers who ask to borrow money and when they do have money, pay for things in nickels.

5) The customer who comes in and asks for a print out of the Numbers game from September 17th, 1994.

6) The customer who can't figure out that the front door is a "Pull" and not a "Push" and ends up storming off in a huff.

7) Fantastic Sam and his ho's

8) Anyone who utters a sentence involving the words "Numbers", "Combo", "Across The Board", and "Back it Up".

9) Customers who ask for bags for 12 packs.

10) Customers who use a $100 bill for a 6-pack when there's hardly enough money in the register to begin with.

11) Customers who ask for the senior citizen's discount on something that's $4.99. Then ask you to give them a total, minus the discount, and you respond, "Yes, I took of the $0.29".

Sadly, those are the only ones I can salvage.

Hopefully, they can make you, the customer, into a better person the next time you head to the liquor store. Alternately, if any liquor store employees have anything else to add, hit up the Comments section.

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YouTube Clip Of The Day



Chances are you've probably seen it, but big shoutout to my friend Tino who sent it along pretty much right after it aired, plus it's uncensored which is great.

I'll put this sketch in a top 3 Digital short with Lazy Sunday and Harpoon Man.

Not only is it catchy as hell, not only did it spark this conversation between my girlfriend and I when I sent it to her:

Katelyn: if this is a prelude to my christmas present then this is so over
Jeff: haha no....i wish this had come out before i went shopping

But it's also the latest hit around the news room.

Step 4, Comment section, use it.

What Deadspin Can Do For You

The kind folk at Deadspin have been awesome enough to link to this blog on three occasions. It's definitely a cool thing as they were in the running for Sports Blog of the Year and are a generally fucking awesome site that I highly recommend you sports junkies check out.

Just to get a grasp on how big their readership is (and how miniscule mine is) check this out.

On the 13th I added a visitor tracker to my site that also showed a graphic map. The first day I had 61 views, mostly in Massachusetts and New York (basically, me, my Mom, and my girlfriend refreshing over and over again).

Today, I checked the map after yesterday's linkage and saw this (click for a bigger view):



So, thanks to the kind fellows over at Deadspin for appreciating my sports related musings, and thanks to whomever keeps them abreast of my bloggage.

Check their site out, you won't be disappointed.
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YouTube Clip Of The Day



Thanks, Davis Shaw

Another Change We Could See At Fenway

I'm no utility blogger and I can't cover all the bases. Sometimes I forget seemingly obvious things. Thankfully, I have Ryan LaneMoishe Barton from MoisheBarton.com to help me out with certain things.

He writes:

Excellent work on the blog, but there is one oversight. You forgot to mention how this will affect Wally, especially since he'll now have new monsters to join in his entourage.

And this, is what I think it would look like....

...


...


...




Touche, Moishe, touche.

Per Usual, The Onion Does It Better Than Me

Six Changes You Can Expect To See At Fenway Next Year

Daisuke Matsuzaka has arrived. Finally.

His arrival was followed all over the news stations, his 48 minute press conference was on NESN, hell, he even dropped the first puck at the Bruins game tonight (and they scored twice in the first 2 minutes, a sign of things to come?).

They call it Matsuzaka Mania. Daisuke Delirium. Yellow Fever (OK, only my friend Chaves calls it that).

The Boston Tourism bureau predicts we'll see an additional $78m per year because of the Dice-K signing. I expect we'll see a whole lot more than just money.

I was at Fenway when Ichiro came to town his rookie year, and I remember what that was like, this will be ten times that. Here's what you can expect:

1) Jerry Remy Learning Japanese:

When he's not smoking 2 packs a day, calling his producer a "Jew bastard", and bailing his son out of jail for beating the crap out of his girlfriend, Jerry Remy is the loveable color commentator for the Boston Red Sox. Amongst his quirks, cackling like a nicotine overdosed hyena, pimping his website's merchandise every half inning, and greeting our Spanish viewers with a 'Buenos Noches' or 'Buenos Tardes' upon telling them how to use the S-A-P button.

Well now, assuming television remotes will be equipped with J-A-P buttons, Remy will be reeling off 'Bonsowa-Ru' and 'Gu-Tenmorugen'.

2) Ticket Prices Being Listed In Yen

The Red Sox have the highest ticket prices in the entire league. In fact, this off season they made a huge todo about the fact that they weren't raising their ticket prices, and they're still way higher than anyone else. Expect the Sox to start listing their ticket prices in Yen. Not to court the Japanese market, but to make people feel better. Suddenly the guy sitting behind the pole in the Right Field grandstand doesn't feel so bad about his seats. He only paid 4,084.50 Yen for his seats. The dude in the 7th row totally got ripped off and had to pay 10,503.99 Yen!

3) The Destruction Of A Not Exactly To Scale Fenway Park

The L(R)eft Field wall is how many feet away?!

The Sox brain trust would never let Matsuzaka know that the Green Monster is a mere stone's throw away, and the Pesky Pole was even closer. So, how did they get around to fooling Matsuzaka into thinking he was coming to a pitcher's park? Simple, they thought the same thing every man in need thinks, What Would G.O.B. Bluth Do?:

Hey, maybe that's it. Maybe we should do to the Japanese what they do in their movies. Build a miniature city, put it outside the window, tell them it's far away. It'll look real if you squint. God knows they're squinters. What do you think, dad? A whole, tiny town.

But you know, instead of a tiny town, it's a tiny Fenway with more favorable dimensions. And no moles.

4) The Sushi Guy

The Sausage Guy has been a staple on Landsdowne Street for years, catering to the whims of the many gourmands of Red Sox Nation and surrounding nightlife steaming up sausages and peppers and serving them to drunk people for way too much money. But now, the area is turning Japanese, and needs to reflect the change in the way we eat. Kowloon ain't gonna cut it. So expect to see The Sushi Guy, standing on Landsdowne, doling out every drunk's favorite snack, a California Roll, giving you a chance to have a Spicy Tuna Maki with your Cracker Jacks.

Actually, that's a terrible idea and should never happen.

5) A Slew Of New Nicknames

We've already had D-Mat (incredibly, incredibly lame, please god, don't let this catch on any more than it already has) and Dice-K (which is how you pronounce his name, anyways). Of all the other ones I've heard (89% of them being racist) these are unfortunately the two best. They both have their ups and downs.

D-Mat sounds like a place where you'd need to bring a roll of quarters to, but it also capitalizes on the most popular form of current athlete nicknaming.

Dice-K is actually kind of badass and could inspire some cool Matsuzaka fansites with neat double entendres like Dice-K Looking (just remember to give me credit), but you KNOW during his starts people are going to hang up plaquards with Dice and a K on it to symbolize strikeouts. It looks pretty lame. Case in point, Yankee Stadium where they hang up pictures of moose during Mike Mussina starts and pictures of feminine hygeine products for Jaret Wright starts.

6) Daisuke's Disciples

Ever since Johnny Damon took his man-whoring ways, the Damon Disciples haven't had much to do. In comes Daisuke Matsuzaka who can rival Johnny Damon's rockstar status. Not only does he tow along a wife who was a media whore BEFORE coming to Boston (and not made of plastic, taboot), but he can inspire creativity in the passionate fanbase that has never been seen. Chicks in kimonos, dude's in sumo garb, me hoping his warm-up song is Mr. Roboto. Anything's possible.

Welcome Daisuke!

Konichiwa, bitches.
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YouTube Clip Of The Day





Um. What?

A Jihad On The Elias Sports Bureau: Recalling My Personal Pearl Harbor

I woke up on Tuesday, November 14th a happy man. The sun was shining, it was gorgeous for November, and a festive Thanksgiving lie just around the corner.

Alternately, Wednesday, November 15th was a horrible day. One of the worst in years. Sure, the weather was kind of nice, but winter was coming I wasn't fooled. Plus I'd have to deal with my family at Thanksgiving in like a week.

What could ruin such a perfectly normal Wednesday? Fantasy Sports, the Elias Sports Bureau, and the Philadelphia Eagles.

On Tuesday I found out that The Terrance Maddox Experience had beaten the previously undefeated Fumblin' Fools behind strong performances from Tony "Oh" Romo "You Didn't" (eat me, Chris Berman), Marques ColstOWN, Larry JohnsOWN, and the Carolina Panthers. I had retained sole possession of third place after a lackluster season thus far. Upon returning to work, I was greeted by coworkers as a concquering hero.

That euphoria lasted exactly 24 hours.

The next day, I woke up and decided to check the league's standings again, just as a nice pickmeup. The exact opposite happened.

I had lost my matchup, 77-60


After alternating spells of passing out with lots and lots of tears, I decided to find out what happened. It took me hours of searching to figure out what sent me from clear possession of third place, to a 4th place clusterfuck with half the league.

Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb was credited with an additional touchdown pass against the Washington Redskins last weekend after an analysis by the National Football League's statisticians.

The Elias Sports Bureau, official scorekeepers for the league, reviewed tape of the Nov. 12 game and decided that a second-quarter play involving McNabb, receiver Reggie Brown and running back Correll Buckhalter didn't include a fumble, as officials ruled at the time, Elias researcher Santo Labombarda said.

Thanks to this stupid play, I had lost my fantasy week.

Now you may be thinking to yourself, "Jeff this happened a month ago, get over it". Or, if you're my girlfriend, "Jeff, I clicked on this with the hopes of being entertained and now I have to hear about fantasy football? I hate you." Or, if you're some sort of neo-luddite, "What the fuck is fantasy football? And where did all these words come from? What is this box?"

Well, it turns out, that I missed the playoffs in my fantasy football league all because of that stupid change. I ended up finishing the season tied in 4th place at 7-7, then losing a tiebreaker, thus finishing out of the money.

I figure there has to be more of us out there.

Together we can take on the Elias Sports Bureau! Bloggers versus Statisticians!

Karma has already enacted it's revenge on Donovan McNabb and his ACL. Correll Buckhalter will still be Correll Buckhalter at the end of the day. But those fuckers over at Elias must pay.

Can you calculate the VORP between my right hook and my left jab?

We must act soon, friends, so they can reverse that stat and have us into the playoffs for tomorrow night's game.

UNITE!
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YouTube Clip Of The Day



I totally stole this from Deadspin but it's too good not to watch again. And again. And again.

Bumper Stickers and You: A Barely Comprehensive Guide To Who You're Driving With

Bumper stickers are alot like tattoos. Not only have I never seen a cool one, but they say alot about you. Wedding Crashers referenced this with the tramp stamp. But now we all know that a teardrop tattoo on your eye means you've killed a few Crips in your day, a barbed wire tattoo more than likely means you were in college in the mid 90's (and you now hate yourself), and a tattoo on your upper neck means you're a scumbag trying to hide hickeys (sorry Delonte West)


Thankfully you all (or y'all for our Southern readers) have me to depend on. I'll break down how you should drive in relation to the cars and bumper stickers around you.

Jesus Bumper Stickers - Reckless, stay away: People with Jesus related bumper stickers are notroriously the craziest of all drivers. Why? The Lord is riding shotgun. They're the most likely to try and take a left on red causing a deadly wake of destruction behind them while they cruise off to prayer circle. Ironically, someone will place crosses at the scene of the accident.

My Child Is The Student Of The Month - Too passive, don't drive behind: These guys routinely drive 5 miles under the speed limit so the Margaret L. Donovan Elementary School Spelling Bee Champion doesn't get whiplash. Pass them immediately or you're stuck behind the student council carpool all afternoon.

Array Of Jamband Stickers - Distracted, avoid being around at all costs: Between wondering how much they should sell their heady ganja gooballs for this summer, settling down the puppy, trying to remember the exact setlist of that "killer" Cornell Dead show in '77, and wondering whether their 6 month old daughter Moonbeam is too young to bring on tour, how could they be expected to stay in their own lane? Plus there's a 97% chance the car's engine is in worse shape than Trey Anastasio's right nostril and is prone to break down on short notice at any time.

Leftist Political Stickers - Too passive, don't drive behind: These drivers are more likely to be cut-off than anyone else. It's not that they're cool with it, it's that they're too busy thinking of a clever way to put criticisms of the new Democratically controlled government onto a new bumper sticker. Also, cars running on Canola Oil don't have much pickup.

Fraternity and Sorority letters - carelees and rich, get the hell away: I got rid of the frats because most are smart enough to realize that the time they did the elephant walk during pledging won't get them a job after they graduate. Sorority sisters are a different breed. You never want to be stuck next to them when, like, "my little calls to tell me that her grandbig, who's my big was a total bitch to her little who's also my grandlittle, so I'm kind of conflicted as to whose side I'm on". That usually results in a few cars barelling towards a telephone pole.

Right Wing Political Stickers - Very careless, avoid: Anyone with a George W Bush sticker obviously hasn't been paying attention. What makes you think they're looking where they're driving?

Pet Related Bumper Stickers - Unpredictable, stay away as a precautionary measure: Pet people are really weird, but you can assume that one's who advertise the fact on their car are a bit off kilter. If it's a cat related, get the fuck away. I don't trust a cat lady behind the wheel of anything other than a shopping cart. If the number of dog related bumper stickers are less than, or equal to 2, you're OK. If it's more than that, get as far away as you can. Insane dog people have no regard for human life. They often watch the news and cry when hearing stories of mistreated dogs but change the channel when there are stories about mistreated toddlers.

Cheeky, Witty Comment - Run over: What's the matter, did your World of Warcraft account run up? Get a blog, dork.

Wait a minute...

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YouTube Clip Of The Day


My brother Dave hooked me up. Might not be safe for work due to language, but also might not be sane for work.

I Think Chuck Klosterman Might Hate Me And I Don't Know Why

Chuck Klosterman hates me.

This is sad news, for sure, because I opposite of hate Chuck Klosterman.

Chuck Klosterman is one of the best, funniest, and most brilliant writers today. For the most part he is a genius, but can oftentimes come off a bit pretentious. Big deal. I love him.

Now, Chuck Klosterman doesn't know me, but I'm sure we'd get along famously. Aside from being a decade apart in age I feel that our similarities outweigh our differences.

We both love music. Sure, Chuck's tastes and general knowledge go far deeper than I. I mean, we both love Radiohead, but Chuck went on to compare the album Kid A, to a complete soundtrack to the 24 hours that were 9/11/01. I, on the other hand, have only gone as far as stating, "Paranoid Android has the best bassline of all time".

Well, we could possibly wax poetic on sports. But once again, whereas Chuck has written many genius essays on ESPN and in his books, I've just written this sign.

Pop culture-wise, well, he's got several books under his belt and I've only come up with the thesis that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles singlehandedly submarined the anchovy industry (which I hope to one day extrapolate).

In any case, I think Mr. Klosterman and I would be fast friends. His vocabulary may be far superior to mine, he may still smoke more pot than I did during my sophomore year of college combined, and he may hate bloggers, but that's OK.

Yup, Chuck hates bloggers.

Apparently he feels that getting things published for people to see, and influencing the way people think without doing the proper research is wrong.

Or at least that's what my girlfriend told me on the phone...

Fuck. Maybe he was right.

Dashiell Hammett Is The Only Other Person Who Could Write This

I am a true, hard-boiled American hero.

While you were growing up reading See Spot Run and Amelia Badelia books, I was prepping for the future. I devoured the Nancy Drew series, read all the Encyclopedia Brown books, had various case files on The Hardy Boys, even had a slight photographic memory ala lesser juvenile crime fighting hero Cam Jansen.

Not only did I know where in the world Carmen Sandiego was, I could also locate her in various time periods.

I knew that these hobbies would somehow come in handy for future crime-fighting endeavors, despite the fact that I am a major pussy.

Today was that day.

I woke up at noon, politely declining my alarm clock's invitation to wake up several hours earlier. After my normal 45 minute intraweb procrastination, including but not limited to, IM'ing my girlfriend, vigorously reading the UniWatch, posting on upwards of 3 message boards, and listening to The New Pornographers at obnoxious volume levels, I headed downstairs to make breakfastbruncha pot of coffee featuring an omelette.

I noticed something askew.

Outside my back steps, were two overcoats, one of them men's, the other a women's fur coat, covering a beige purse. Now, I know if anyone in my house were to cross-dress it would probably be me, but I don't look good in fur, so I quickly discounted that I had perhaps blacked out and purchased these items. I waited for my roomates to come back from whence they came, to see if they, or their various lady friends were responsible for this.

Their answer: No.

This problem was beyond their gumshoe-esque thought processes and was quickly becoming something only someone trained in the art of sleuth-dom could quantify. That someone was me.

I quickly rifled through the purse to find identification, also finding a cell phone along the way. Using quick wits and innate technical ability that would make George Lazenby go, "What the fuck?", I managed to find an entry in the cell phone listed as "Home".

I then called that number, and left a message, stating to the person that I am, in this holiday season, their personal Jesus Christ, Santa Claus, and Hannukah Harry all wrapped into one had her stuff and would like to get it back to her.

Fast forward a few hours and I get a message back from the girl saying that this is a miracle because her stuff was stolen from a bar on Saturday night. Turns out it's the same bar, Tomy Doyle's, where my roomates and I used to dominate on Trivia night. Apparently, we had left the patrons there in such bad mental and fiscal shape that they had resorted to stealing purses and coats only to dump in my backyard (?!).

I was able to successfuly give this woman back her stolen goods and turn down a handsome reward, because it is all in a day's work for a true American hero as I try to clean up the streets of Newton, bringing back it's much deserved Safest City In America distinction (4th Safest, sounds downright sketchy).

Note: everything in this post was true, except for the part where I said I looked bad in fur.
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YouTube Clip Of The Day



Thanks to Bryan Geiler for the video, and thanks to my parents for raising my Jewish so I never had to wait for an imaginary fat guy in a jumpsuit in a cold ass car hole garage.

Getting Our Gossip On!

I try very hard to make this spot entertaining for all but sometimes my mis-directed sarcasm becomes boring. Hey, I hear ya. That's why I've recruited ex-roomate Ryan to spice this place up with the hottest celebrity gossip.

The only thing holding him back from internet celebrity was a new name. "Ryan Lane presents Life In The Fast Lane" was way too Page Six. So, I took a page out of Perez Hilton's book to help Ryan come up with a good name.

Celebrity Name - First Name + Faux First Name that Represents your Cultural Heritage = New Blog Name

I present to you:

Moische Barton.

Enjoy!
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MoischeBarton.com
The Dr. Brown’s Cel-Ray of Celebrity Pop

Moische here from Joan and Ed’s Delicatessen with all the celebrity schmear you just have to hear.


Yeah, yeah, we’ve all read about and seen the pictures of Britney Spears’s Gaza strip. Big deal, we say. Do you think Moses and the future Israelites wore underwear while wandering the desert for 40 years? Moische doesn’t think so—in fact, I’m pretty sure that’s where the old “sand in the vagina” expression comes from. I mean, that shit’s everywhere in the desert! Brit, other sites might be a "slave 4 u", but this blogger, nay journalist, is more focused on some true ex-slaves in the real world: the Hebrews!
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So, while some might be offended by Ms. Spears showing “El Al” to the world, we’re more concerned with celebs not covering up a different part of their body: their heads! It’s about time some of these chosen people chose to yarmulke up!

-Ben Stiller: The “Heavyweights” star should be feeling some heavy weight right about now: Jewish guilt! “Kippah the faith” is what we’d say to him; after all, “there’s something about mitzvahs” during the holiday season!

-Dustin Hoffman: What’s “stranger than fiction”? How about this famous “graduate” not learning about honoring the Lord during his studies. Seriously, don a skullcap-tain Hook!

-Woody Allen: It’s bad enough you’re “bananas” over the shiksas; atone and grab a beanie, baby!

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In other schmear, our faithful readers know it’s our mission to report on all things Judaic, so how about these celebrities embrace their roots and openly endorse their religion already!

-Phillip Seymour Hoffman: The “Capote” QT was spotted club-hopping last Saturday night in downtown LA. That's fun and all, Pip, but you know what’s a real “boogie night”: the Sabbath!

-Alicia Silverstone: Quit being so “clueless” about your faith! It’s no secret we’re synagogue-ga over Batgirl, but we’ll be a “miss match” until you start going to temple—so get going before you make us even more “crazy”!

-Mel Brooks: Just kidding—you know we love you, Mel! Shofar, so good, big guy!!!

That's all for now, but remember to challah back at me at moishe@temple-beth-el-schmear.com.

Happy Chanukah!!