Closing Shop

Closing out this blog, but keeping the archives up.

New posts can be found here.

Fuck Off, Facebook

I Think A Facebook Quiz Just Said I Will Give Birth to The Lord!

Arctic Monkeys Review

Katelyn and I hit up the Arctic Monkeys show at Paradise on Wednesday. Here's the review.

This Is a Real Blog

Why can't there be other truly funny shows like "Melcolm in the middle"? There's no laugh track to distract from the show. The actors are brilliant; all of them. Unfortunately, the shows are all re-runs now. Where are the writers of that show? Did they all retire? Can't they come up with another formula and get fresh actors?

Anyway, that's my gripe.

When Facebook Quizzes Get Out of Hand

A maelstrom went down after I took the What Mighty Ducks Character Are You? Quiz on Facebook a few days ago. I got Adam Banks (I do love cake! Ask anyone who's ever seen me at a wedding) and minutes later my brother and Chaves took the quiz with differing results (Chaves: Russ Tyler, Dave: Coach Bombay.) This resulted in the fastest flurry of Facebooking I'd ever been a part of. 40 comments and a group AIM chat later, we had plans for a Trilogy screening featuring a Mighty Ducks drinking game (suggestions welcome in the comments.)

The following is my favorite exchange:

The Most Boring Google Alert Ever

I am self absorbed, so naturally, I have a Google Alert set up for my name. It's pretty humbling, but it can also be construed as a good thing, because, I'm not being identity thieved, or talked about on the nets.

Anyway, thanks Google, for alerting me I signed up for Facebook 5 years ago.

RAAAAAAAANDY

I wasn't super excited for Funny People until Randy came into my life. Check that; until Raaaaaaaandy came into my life. 8 A's and all.

Raaaaaaaandy is the fake comedian in the movie Funny People played by real comedian (and racist fruit cart vendor) Aziz Ansari.

Check out his website, watch his videos and use his soundboard.

If you dont laugh, you may not have a soul.

What's In Your Wallet: Inventory of my Costanza Wallet

I never had a problem with my wallet, until recently. In the last month or so my girlfriend and coworkers have been commenting on my "Costanza Wallet." I had noticed that my front pocket had become less roomy, a problem I had attributed to a change in the standard size of front pockets across the denim industry rather than my wallet becoming overstuffed. In retrospect, this seems patently ridiculous.

What follows are the actual contents of my wallet:

One (1) Driver's License: This seems fairly necessary.

One (1) Work ID: Likewise.

One (1) Blockbuster card issued to my Mom in 1996: Can probably do without.

One (1) Updated AAA card: Considering I had 4 of them in there until recently, this is an improvement.

One (1) Picture of Katelyn: Awesome picture. Necessary in any wallet I own.

One (1) Jillian's Player Club Card: The Jillian's in Boston got rid of their video games about 5 years ago This is probably not important. I did carry this card with me because, "I think I might need it, sometime." This time occurred several years ago at the Jillian's on Long Island. They would not accept this card because "Boston does their own thing." Status: Trashed. We're making progress.

One (1) Dental Plan Card: I have never been asked for this at my dentist, but you never know.

Four (4) Credit/Debit Cards: 2 defunct, 2 active. Which is which? That's for you to guess, robber. Always have decoys.

Three (3) Cards to Supermarkets I do not shop at: Additionally, I have corresponding key chain mini-cards to each of these currently on my key chain. Status: Trashed.

One (1) Ikea Gift Card: With no money on it.... I think?

One (1) Friend Of Harpoon Membership Card: So far membership has no privileges.... other than probably raising any potential arresting officer's suspicion.

One (1) Best Buy Reward Zone Card: Supposedly you just need a phone number for Best Buy to credit purchases to your Reward Zone card. But why risk it?

One (1) Men's Wearhouse Perfect Fit Card: Thus far, I've been fitted for 3 tuxes this summer, and each time they've automatically applied them to my Perfect Fit account, no card necessary. Maybe I will relegate this card to desk drawer status, instead.

Two (2) Health Insurance Cards: One for me, one for a friend?

Two (2) Business cards of friends: I suppose it might be important to note that I speak to these friends regularly, have their cell phone numbers in my phone, and know their email addresses by heart.

Five (5) of my Business cards: On only one occasion have I given my business card to a non-family member or friend. I think it was to lighten the load. For some reason I think they might a) Get me access to somewhere cool (not likely), b) get me out of a speeding ticket (less likely), c) Impress someone important (least likely.)

One (1) Ticket stub to the December 7th, 2008 5:00PM showing of Role Models in Tucson, Arizona: Potential collector's item. Status: Imminent eBay-ing.

One (1) Padlock combination: For the locker in which I lock my wallet at the gym.

One (1) 2008-2009 Pocket Bruins Schedule: Do you know where you where on November 1, 2008? I do.

One (1) Best Buy receipt totalling $785.39: In case I'm ever out with friends and need to return my TV!

Three (3) Fortune cookie fortunes: "You are about to begin a prosperous business venture."; "Good news of a long-awaited event will arrive soon."; "A new venture will be a success." Additionally, I now know how to say "Drunk/Tipsy" and "To eat" in Chinese.

One (1) ticket stub to The Dead Weather at Boston's House of Blues 7/18/09: For instant hipster street cred, when needed.

Three (3) Hofstra University College ID's: I graduated Hofstra in 2004.

• One of these is a temporary Alumni ID in case I ever need to: use the Axinn Library, Computer Lab or Rec. Center. I've been back roughly 3 times since graduation.
• As for the other two, one is the ID everyone had and one is a major collector's item. In 2003, Hofstra switched over ID's to this really ugly white, yellow and blue ID. Everyone had to turn in their old ID's to get their new one... except me, who on the strength of a savvy lie, got to keep my old one. This was a highly controversial move across campus and widely remembered, by only me.

Thirteen (13) US Dollars: Sadly, the only things that will leave my wallet at a rapid rade.

The Trouble With Muggles

On Wednesday, I'll be heading to Showcase Randolph to see Harry Potter 6 with no fewer than 10 friends. Yes, we are all in our early to mid (OK, late [fuck]) twenties, but that does not hinder our enthusiasm or dorkitude. In fact, I even created a Facebook invite for the trip to the movies (Tagline: Wingardium Leviosohmygod we are losers.)

Anyway, whenever a Potter movie comes out, I'm always reminded me of the horrible experience I had at the midnight screening of Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban.

First, these things, especially at midnight, are a spectacle. Young kids up way later than they should be otherwise, older people dressed like wizards, breathless anticipation for a movie based on a book everyone there has already read. It's a shitshow. The place, however, will get pin drop quiet the second the Warner Bros. logo appears and we are taken through the 3-D title screens and whisked away to Privet Drive.

The transition plays suit and everyone is enjoying themselves, the pre-show craziness a distant memory. Azkaban runs 141 minutes, and about 131 minutes in, something happens.

As Harry and crew are taking a ride on Buckbeak, the film melts. Not breaks, not rips, not comes off spool. Melts. It looked like the cover of Metallica's Loaded (minus the cow semen, hopefully.)

A head usher comes out to explain the situation, and people freak the fuck out. Adults in wizard robes hurling obscenities at a movie theater employee as their children wail. Yes, I've witnessed that. It's at least 2 a.m. and it's god damned bedlam.

Long story short, we get herded out, get free tickets and I end up using mine on Azkaban again.

Turns out after all that madness, we missed about 4 minutes total. 4 minutes, well worth it.

For the love of god this won't happen on Wednesday.

New Dumbest Question Ever Overheard (WARNING: Bruno Spoiler Alert)

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OK, that's fair, right?

Saw Bruno last night with Katelyn. Towards the end there's a music video with Bruno and several A-list celebrities. Anyway, Bono pops up, and the moron behind us, who didn't understand any of the movie, goes, "Who is that?"

It kinda blew my mind. How does one not know who Bono is? I'd imagine 95% of all people (at least) know who Bono is. I happened to be sitting in front of one of the select few who have no idea who he is. Crazy. I don't even like U2 and I know who Bono is. In fact, I feel it's ridiculous to assert that you do know who Bono is. How does this happen?

Suffice it to say, she had no fucking idea who Sting was either.

Civil War

I've been a competitive drinker now for about a decade. Competitive not in the sense that my liver plays the role of the Washington Generals, but in the sense that I enjoy me some beer gaming when the time is appropriate.

I'm not really too keen on quarters, or card related games, but flip cup and Beer Pong especially strike my fancy (I believe this is the first time "strike my fancy" and "drinking games" have been used in the same sentence.) Beer Pong being the sport of choice.

I'm a pretty average Beer Pong-er, prone to bouts of extremes in either direction. I can go a whole game with hitting one cup, or I can be lights out. For example, I traveled to visit my youngest brother at the University of Arizona and we went to a party at his frat house before the U of A/ASU football game. I was pretty nervous playing, because I was older and prone to be the subject of "old man cant hang anymore" ridicule if I didn't at least carry my weight. It turned out we ran everyone off the table at the frat house, then did the same thing at an after party.

Anyway, all my old Beer Pong traits were for naught when I was presented with a variation of Beer Pong at a party yesterday: Civil War.

As, that site says: If Beirut is like football, with stops between plays, Civil War is rugby.

Essentially, this is 3 on 3, with 3 cups in front of each team member. Once your 3 are gone, so are you. But you are still available to "rebound" because, that's right, the ball is always live.

Without the ability to set and throw (because they are gunning for you while you are shooting), I was pretty terrible.... at the shooting portion. When it comes to rebounding though, it's all effort. I think I strained the entire left side of my body at some point, and severely harassed my opponents.

All in all, fun times. Definitely an outdoors only game. Keep your ice packs handy.

Fenway Honors Founding Father Owner No one

Spotted this Tweet from my friend Justin, who was at Friday night's Red Sox game (July 3rd.)

Is this an unfortunate lighting gaffe, or perhaps, a still-standing show of virility by John Henry who had his wedding at Fenway Park a few days ago?

Hmm.

Separated at Birth

I love hockey. I love Whale Wars. I haven't been able to get this connection out of my head for weeks (which is horrifying, believe me.) Other than being associated with arctic animals and their looks, I don't think they have much else in common.


1) Peter "The Hammer" Hammerstedt, Activist

In his five years with Sea Shepherd, Peter has been held hostage by Ecuadorian fishermen; physically attacked by sealers; assaulted and arrested by the Canadian Coast Guard (twice); involved in a confrontation which included the side-swiping of an illegal whaling ship; been rammed by another; and pulled up countless miles of fishing longline. In the war to defend life in the oceans, this Swede is far from neutral.









2) Marc-Andre Fleury, Goalie

Marc-André Fleury (born November 28, 1984 in Sorel-Tracy, Québec) is a Canadian professional ice hockey goaltender playing for the Pittsburgh Penguins of the National Hockey League (NHL). He won his first Stanley Cup with the Pittsburgh Penguins against Detroit in a 2-1 win.

Alumni Blues

When I was applying to college a decade ago (holy shit) my eventual school's motto was We Teach Success. Very cheesy, but Hofstra was in a rebuilding mode then. Most everyone will remember the cheesy radio ads that bombarded the airwaves from New York to New England featuring spokeswoman, and legendary lush, Mary Beth Carey.

Depending on who you asked, the most famous Hofstra students were either: A) Slot receiver Wayne Chrebet, B) Filmmaker Francis Ford Coppola or C) Dropout Christopher Walken.

It was still "The biggest private college on Long Island". Only no one outside of Long Island had ever heard of it.

Of course now, things have changed a bit there. They hosted a Presidential debate (double holy shit) and they're building a medical school (triple holy shit.) People have actually heard of Hofstra.

Then this asshole had to ruin it all again (copied directly from this page):

Bernard L. Madoff, former chairman of the NASDAQ stock exchange. Chairman of Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities, which he founded in 1960. One of the largest market maker companies on Wall Street. Arrested in 2008 for running a US$50 billion ponzi scheme.