An Open Letter To Fergie (the Douchette not the Duchess) Concerning Sobriety And Why It Isn't All It's Cracked Up To Be

Dearest Fergie,

As you're well aware, there are certain, soul crushing, epidemics
spreading across the country. One of those being the widespread usage
of crystal methamphetamine, threatening the youth of our nation and
turning them into zombies. The other, being the widespread playing of your terrible music, mostly listened to bytweens, retards, and meth head zombies.

To steal a line from an unnamed critic in the film Bittersweet
Motel, you have been 'urinating in the ears of listeners',
which to me is at least 7 times worse than actually
urinating in your pants.

Now, not everyone may understand the not at all subtle Crystal Meth reference I made above. Perhaps, even you forgot. But, yes you were once addicted to Crystal Meth, and Fergie, I think it's high time you saddle up and get back on the horse.

Please Fergie, become a meth addict once again.

I know what you're thinking Fergie. 'I can't go back to being an Ice-head, I was doing a great amount of harm to myself', and I hear that Fergie. But trust me, now that you're sober, you're doing more harm to more people.

Check out this highly scientific list, and try weighing the options:

Things You've Done While Addicted to Crystal Meth

1) Slowly killed yourself with a toxic mix of chemicals and drugs.
2) Risked developing an even uglier face.

Things You've Done While Sober

1) Stayed alive.
2) Turned a decent indie hip-hop group into a terrible pop act.
3) Made some model I've never heard of sad by breaking up her engagement to Tad Hamilton. No one likes a sad model.
4) Managed to make the movie Poisedon even worse.
5) Made an album featuring two songs on Rolling Stone's 'Worst Songs of 2006' List
6) Pissed yourself
7) Helped create an unappealing Best Buy ad.
8) Compromised your group's integrity by allowing the radio edit for the song 'Let's Get Retarded' be marketed as one of the most popular
singles of 2004-5 as "Let's Get It Started"
9) Shattered the musical potential for millions of youth by making some of the worst music in recent memory.

So, check the tale of the tape Fergie. The damage you've done to the world whilst sober far outweighs the damage you did to yourself whilst on drugs.

Please Fergie, fire up the old laboratory, surround yourself with lightbulbs and Bics, and get to killing yourself, stat. It's for the greater good.

Sincerely,
Everyone.