An Ode To Thanksgiving Eve Debauchery

I wrote this last year, but all of it still stands. Except for the outdated Haggard joke:

In case you've been living under a rock, or smoking them with Reverend Ted Haggard, you know that the night before Thanksgiving is the biggest drinking night of the year. Bigger than July 4th, bigger than Cinco De Mayo, and bigger than the time you slept with that fat girl. The reason being that about 83% of every graduating high school class migrates back to wherever they graduated from (the other 17% can't make it because of out-of-state family, work, or, in my town's case, prison).

In Randolph, the big to-do was to head over to the local Knights Of Columbus (located in scenic Randolph Industrial Park!) and meet up with all the kids you couldn't stand in high school, plus your six good friends that you hang out with every weekend anyway. It's basically the same thing as a school dance except you have to pay for the booze instead of stealing it from your parents and you smoke cigarettes outside instead of in the school bathroom.

I happen to love this event despite it's utter lameness and high white trash factor. Actually, I think it's the white trash factor that keeps me going. I don't know whether it's hearing two old chums recalling fond memories of the good times they shared on the quad at Massasoit Community College, or watching two Mobil On The Run employees "talk shop" over some suds, but something has me leaving this event feeling much better about myself.

But no, it's not the self-absorbed ego boost that I really enjoy. It's the fights.

Yup, definitely the fights.

Every year a fight breaks out, every year it's awesome, but now it's why I'll never go back. Allow me to explain.

Last year, my friends and I arrived at the party, or in proper 'Dolph-speak, rolled up to the K-of-C at around 10-ish. We were lucky to get there when we did because the gates were closed soon thereafter. Why? A fight of course.

This made things difficult because half the people we wanted to see were stuck outside milling in the lobby, waiting for another fight to erupt. So, we made an executive decision, and moved to the only other place that had a bar, a Chinese Restaurant.

Right before we got there, a car flew out of the parking lot, tires squealing, only to be chased by the kid who got into a fight at the K-of-C mere hours ago. We found out later the driver of the car was the other kid in the fight. Anyways, the combatant on foot did what any rational person would do when put in this situation.... he started chasing after the car, eventually facing the front windshield from about 10 feet away, swearing his face off. So, I'm stopped in the middle of the street, watching a face-off, only one of the participants is in a car, the other, on foot.

Then, he ran the kid over with his car and took off!

Man, it was awesome. We couldn't believe what we saw.

A kid got hit with a fucking car. There's no way this year's K-of-C RHS reunion is topping that one. Not unless, this plays out on North Main Street.