There Is No Movie Theatre That Can Hold Me

In "The Rock", no prison can hold Sean Connery's John Patrick Mason. In "Pulp Fiction", no problem can hold Harvey Keitel's Winston "The Wolf" Wolfe. In real life, no movie theatre can hold Jeff Israel's Jeff Israel.

I've been to hundreds of movie theatres in my day, and I've snuck into all of them.

Sure, this might expose me, but I don't care, I'm a ghost. It has nothing to do with my skin pallor, and everything to do with my uncanny ability at evading ushers. Wolverine has rapid healing, The Flash has speed, Pete Doherty can't die, and I sneak into movies.

Everything is a product of its environment. Serial Killers grew up killing animals and nailing their parents, bullies grown up getting bullied, and jaywalkers learned to hate crossed yellow lines. I worked in a movie theatre.

At a time when most of my colleagues were serving medium popcorns (with butter in the middle!) and drinks trying to get you to get the large size for just a quarter more, I was casing the joint. While most employees went to the ice room, or the overflow popcorn and soda syrup room to make out with other employees, I took in the lay of the land.

After that job I had the skills ncesessary to flaunt the system. Sure, I could've been obvious at first but I felt like it wasn't fair. That would be like Dick Trickle pulling up to you at a stop light and challenging you to race. So, I started small, buying Child/Senior Citizen's tickets from the auto-ticket machine. They never notice, and the trend grew to epic proportions.

It wasn't until college until I was confident enough to flaunt my abilities. One fateful Saturday afternoon, a group of 15 friends ventured to the United Artists Theatres in Westbury, NY. In case you're not familiar with the UA, it's made for double features. One ticket taker, a hallway full of theatres, and an inverted concession stand so you never have to leave the ticket zone. They make it too easy.

What happened that day is legendary and is, in fact, still talked about among Hofstra students. We extrapolated on the double and took in a triple feature. A marathon session of Not Another Teen Movie->Ocean's 11->Vanilla Sky.

Since then I've plied my trade in the Bay State. In Randolph, it's either walking in the oft ignored front entrance on a weekday and having free reign, or, paying for a movie on the bottom floor and staying there all day.

AMC Framingham is almost as big of a joke as UA Westbury. Today my roomate and I saw Bond and Stranger Than Fiction then watched the opening 20 minutes of The Departed to kill time in between.

Perhaps inspired by the Bond movie, we realized there was an usher suspiciously watching us in the 6:10 Departed (while we waited for 6:;45 Stranger Than Fiction). With a few knowing glances and nods, we silently agreed to leave the theatre one at a time, rendezvous-ing in a different theatre in 10 minutes. It worked. Of course.

So, movie theatre employees, as stated in a movie I would've snuck into if I cared enough to see it in theatres, Bring It On.
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