Bumper Stickers and You: A Barely Comprehensive Guide To Who You're Driving With

Bumper stickers are alot like tattoos. Not only have I never seen a cool one, but they say alot about you. Wedding Crashers referenced this with the tramp stamp. But now we all know that a teardrop tattoo on your eye means you've killed a few Crips in your day, a barbed wire tattoo more than likely means you were in college in the mid 90's (and you now hate yourself), and a tattoo on your upper neck means you're a scumbag trying to hide hickeys (sorry Delonte West)


Thankfully you all (or y'all for our Southern readers) have me to depend on. I'll break down how you should drive in relation to the cars and bumper stickers around you.

Jesus Bumper Stickers - Reckless, stay away: People with Jesus related bumper stickers are notroriously the craziest of all drivers. Why? The Lord is riding shotgun. They're the most likely to try and take a left on red causing a deadly wake of destruction behind them while they cruise off to prayer circle. Ironically, someone will place crosses at the scene of the accident.

My Child Is The Student Of The Month - Too passive, don't drive behind: These guys routinely drive 5 miles under the speed limit so the Margaret L. Donovan Elementary School Spelling Bee Champion doesn't get whiplash. Pass them immediately or you're stuck behind the student council carpool all afternoon.

Array Of Jamband Stickers - Distracted, avoid being around at all costs: Between wondering how much they should sell their heady ganja gooballs for this summer, settling down the puppy, trying to remember the exact setlist of that "killer" Cornell Dead show in '77, and wondering whether their 6 month old daughter Moonbeam is too young to bring on tour, how could they be expected to stay in their own lane? Plus there's a 97% chance the car's engine is in worse shape than Trey Anastasio's right nostril and is prone to break down on short notice at any time.

Leftist Political Stickers - Too passive, don't drive behind: These drivers are more likely to be cut-off than anyone else. It's not that they're cool with it, it's that they're too busy thinking of a clever way to put criticisms of the new Democratically controlled government onto a new bumper sticker. Also, cars running on Canola Oil don't have much pickup.

Fraternity and Sorority letters - carelees and rich, get the hell away: I got rid of the frats because most are smart enough to realize that the time they did the elephant walk during pledging won't get them a job after they graduate. Sorority sisters are a different breed. You never want to be stuck next to them when, like, "my little calls to tell me that her grandbig, who's my big was a total bitch to her little who's also my grandlittle, so I'm kind of conflicted as to whose side I'm on". That usually results in a few cars barelling towards a telephone pole.

Right Wing Political Stickers - Very careless, avoid: Anyone with a George W Bush sticker obviously hasn't been paying attention. What makes you think they're looking where they're driving?

Pet Related Bumper Stickers - Unpredictable, stay away as a precautionary measure: Pet people are really weird, but you can assume that one's who advertise the fact on their car are a bit off kilter. If it's a cat related, get the fuck away. I don't trust a cat lady behind the wheel of anything other than a shopping cart. If the number of dog related bumper stickers are less than, or equal to 2, you're OK. If it's more than that, get as far away as you can. Insane dog people have no regard for human life. They often watch the news and cry when hearing stories of mistreated dogs but change the channel when there are stories about mistreated toddlers.

Cheeky, Witty Comment - Run over: What's the matter, did your World of Warcraft account run up? Get a blog, dork.

Wait a minute...

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YouTube Clip Of The Day


My brother Dave hooked me up. Might not be safe for work due to language, but also might not be sane for work.