Saturday, March 31, 2007

Massachusetts' True War Zone

The Bay State has garnered national attention for all of the wrong reasons of late. The Guardian Angels have been called in to patrol the tough streets of Dorchester as violence there is spiraling out of control. I feel, however, that it is my duty to bring you another severe problem.

Confusion, chaos, and mob rule reign in one small portion of my city. The affect is already being felt. What was once the safest city in America, has now spiraled down to the 3rd safest city in America. It's a slippery slope. I think there was already a murder this year. At this rate, we may whittle down to 4th, or hell, even 5th safest. Think it doesn't matter? Think again.

While Dorchester has Bowdoin Street and Blue Hill Avenue, Newton has its own rising epicenter of doom. Its location, the corner of Crafts and Washington Streets, more specifically, the Whole Foods Market parking lot.

Sure, Whole Foods may be a nice, albeit pricy, establishment catering to people who only like their eggs from chickens who are cooped up in 5 star hotels and milk from cows who are fellated by the highest call-cow money can buy. But walking around that parking lot is like being walking through a minefield. At any moment you could be blown to bits only in this case it's not a mine planted by an insurgent you need to worry about, it's an out-of-control VW Touareg driven by a Yuppie soccer Mom backing into your face.

Whole Foods parking lots are war zones, folks. I've noticed that the Yuppie seems to travel in a larger than necessary car, using very little hand to wheel ratio and paying even less attention. To wit, the parking lot of Marty's Liquors next door is a depiction of picture-perfect driving when juxtaposed with the Whole Foods lot.

We need the Guardian Parking Angels in Newton, stat.

I don't do this to mock those Yuppies, those of their Wednesday afternoon shopping journeys in search of the perfect head of organic lettuce. I do it as a public service to you, the citizen.... and also to mock those Yuppies.


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