Sorry For The Lack Of Bloggage

Busy times in the land of little to no grad school. And by busy, I mean, I've been burning alot of vacation days, and everyone knows work is the primary place for bloggage.

I pledge a return after the New Year in effect.

1. "Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, Illinois" – 2:09
2. "The Black Hawk War, or, How to Demolish an Entire Civilization and Still Feel Good About Yourself in the Morning, or, We Apologize for the Inconvenience but You're Going to Have to Leave Now, or, 'I Have Fought the Big Knives and Will Continue to Fight Them Until They Are off Our Lands!'" – 2:14
3. "Come On! Feel the Illinoise!" – 6:45
I. "The World's Columbian Exposition"
II. "Carl Sandburg Visits Me in a Dream"
4. "John Wayne Gacy Jr." – 3:19
5. "Jacksonville" – 5:24
6. "A Short Reprise for Mary Todd, Who Went Insane, but for Very Good Reasons" – 0:47
7. "Decatur, or, Round of Applause for Your Step Mother!" – 3:03
8. "One Last 'Whoo-Hoo!' for the Pullman" – 0:06
9. "Chicago" – 6:04
10. "Casimir Pulaski Day" – 5:54
11. "To the Workers of the Rock River Valley Region, I Have an Idea Concerning Your Predicament" – 1:40
12. "The Man of Metropolis Steals Our Hearts" – 6:17
13. "Prairie Fire that Wanders About" – 2:11
14. "A Conjunction of Drones Simulating the Way in which Sufjan Stevens Has an Existential Crisis in the Great Godfrey Maze" – 0:19
15. "The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades Is Out to Get Us!" – 5:23
16. "They Are Night Zombies!! They Are Neighbors!! They Have Come back from the Dead!! Ahhhh!" – 5:09
17. "Let's Hear that String Part Again, Because I Don't Think They Heard It All the Way out in Bushnell" – 0:40
18. "In this Temple as in the Hearts of Man for Whom He Saved the Earth" – 0:35
19. "The Seer's Tower" – 3:54
20. "The Tallest Man, the Broadest Shoulders" – 7:03
I. "The Great Frontier"
II. "Come to Me Only with Playthings Now"
21. "Riffs and Variations on a Single Note for Jelly Roll, Earl Hines, Louis Armstrong, Baby Dodds, and the King of Swing, to Name a Few" – 0:46
22. "Out of Egypt, into the Great Laugh of Mankind, and I Shake the Dirt from My Sandals as I Run" – 4:21

My Hatred Of Nickelback Has (Almost) Nothing To Do With How Terrible Their Music Is, OR Nickelback Shows No Regard To Human Life, Particularly Mine

This is a topsy turvy world but there are a few constants. What goes up must come down, teenagers in public will always be annoying, and Nickelback sucks.

The majority of Nickelback detractors harp on the fact that everyone of the band's songs sound exactly the same. This is true, check this out and remember to turn up your speakers.

Nickelback lead singer and clever wordsmith, Chad Kroeger, has countered back against this movement with this retort:

"Nickelback doesn't suck"

Kroeger's main argument is that, Nickelback produces a "hit sound", and wouldn't be so popular if they "sucked".

The "___ can't be terrible because so many people like it" defense is deplorable at best. Take America, where George W. Bush won a Presidential election, 'Deal Or No Deal' is a popular show, and MySpace is the most popular website. Under Kroeger's argument, these 3 things would "not suck" and in fact, be really good, when in reality:

George W. Bush is a retard
Deal Or No Deal is television for retards
and
Myspace helps retards find eachother.

For the record, I do contest that Nickelback sucks, but when it comes to my hatred of the band, that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Allow me to explain:

It was 2002 and I was at Hofstra University.

There was a good mood surrounding the campus because a concert was coming to Hempstead. Concerts are always fun at college despite the musical act, because it's a cheap diversion from the normal bar scene (I mean, I was stoked to see Jimmy's Chicken Shack and 2 Skinnee J's one year). And it's never not fun to get inordinately fucked up in front of a live musical act, on campus nonetheless

This year's triple bill featured Default, Saliva, and, you guessed it, Nickelback.

That afternoon I had to work at the Sports Information Dept. in the Physical Fitness Center until about 3pm, then it was back to Nassau Hall for hours worth of pregaming. On the menu, cheap beer and expensive marijuana.

I left work at the PFC and headed down my normal route, passing the baseball diamond, and cutting through one of the intramural fields when I heard a hellish buzzing sound (not disimilar to the bridge of "How You Remind Me, FYI) coming from my right. I looked over and saw the entire band Nickelback on some sort of ATV, rounding the gym, and heading straight towards me at about 40 miles per hour (see map).


I did the only thing one would do when about to be run over by a run of the mill Canadian rock and roll band. I stood still, waited to die, and pictured the sad music and somber narration they would use before the commercial break when talking about this instance on Behind the Music: Nickelback. I also kind of wished I was about to be killed by a better band (which is also why I never accept rides from Vince Neil).

Fortunately, Nickelback is a lot better at maneuvering all terrain vehicles than they are at playing instruments, and they narrowly avoided me.

I went on to tell my tale to anyone who would listen, eventually imbibing in enough substances to kill the cast of Diff'rent Strokes, and then heading to the concert with some friends.

Oh, also, Nickelback really sucked that night.
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YouTube Clip Of The Day

Don't Forget Boxing Day Tomorrow, There's Still Gifts To Give


Don't Forget Boxing Day

A Lonely Jew On Christmas

I have to work tonight, which you'd think wouldn't be a big deal seeing how I'm Jewish, but it's pretty much a bummer.

Christmas is a pretty big day for Jews, too. Not religiously, but activity-wise. Everyone has their own traditions and so do I.

The imitable Jon JP Prag founded "A Very Jewish Christmas" a few years ago and it's a pretty big hit. The basic premise is to do what all Jews do on Xmas (eat chinese food, watch movies, gamble) but Jon organizes it in a way like no other.

Here's this year's tentative schedule from the evite:

Foxwoods in the morning for those who can make it!
Time: TBA-2:00pm

Dreidel for Money
Time: 4:30pm

China Town Canton/Stoughton
Time: 6:00pm Check-in (we will have to wait about an hour)
*** THIS IS A FAMILY STYLE MEAL ***

Movie (****TAKE THE POLL****)
Time: After diner

FYI
Rocky Balboa - A computer simulation says Rocky can beat the current champ. Can he?!?!

Night at the Museum – Ben Stiller is a night watchman at a museum where everything comes to life to chase him. And he may even trip on something!

Children of Men – Humanity is on the brink of extinction and only one woman can get pregnant. Kind of sexy!

Dreamgirls – Jamie Fox brings a group of singers to the top of the charts. I swear it isn’t about the Supremes… REALLY!

The Pursuit of Happyness – Will Smith is a down-on-his luck dad trying to land a job as Wall Street trader. Little does he know it’s really a cold-call sales position!


Please forward this invitation on to people whose e-mail addresses I don't have!!!

And a reminder: no Christians please! Anyone who brings one will be crucified with them.

And their are even poems involved

2006's:

Deck the halls with Jewish splendor
Fa-la-la-la-la, oy-oy-oy-vay
'Tis the day we Jews meander
Fa-la-la-la-la, oy-oy-oy-vay
Once, we had nothing to do
Fa-la-la-la-la, oy-oy-oy-vay
Now this day is built for me and you
Fa-la-la-la-la, oy-oy-oy-vay

First we’ll have a little gambling
Fa-la-la-la-la, oy-oy-oy-vay
Follow that up with dreidel dancing
Fa-la-la-la-la, oy-oy-oy-vay
Then it’s the good ‘ol Chinese food
Fa-la-la-la-la, oy-oy-oy-vay
Finish it with a movie that’s good
Fa-la-la-la-la, oy-oy-oy-vay

It’s been our tradition for ten years past
Fa-la-la-la-la, oy-oy-oy-vay
The fun we have is unsurpassed
Fa-la-la-la-la, oy-oy-oy-vay
And finally we can all say with class
Fa-la-la-la-la, oy-oy-oy-vay
This is a Very Jewish Christmas!
Fa-la-la-la-la, oy-oy-oy-vay

2005's

I'm dreaming of a Very Jewish Christmas
Just like the ones we have come to love and know
Though the goyim would like us to christen
The Chinese people would listen
To our need to eat food that does not blow

I'm dreaming of a Very Jewish Christmas
With Chanukah candles to light
May your movie screen be lit up bright
And may all your casinos payout without a fight

I'm dreaming of a Very Jewish Christmas
It's become our true holiday tradition
Bring all those who aren't Christian
Especially those who would be a new addition

Gambling, Chinese food and a movie...
That is a Very Jewish Christmas!!

So, with regrets, I can't make it this year, thanks to the Liberal Jewish Media calling my name again. This is a shame because I usually end up having a good time, watching a semi good movie (except the time we saw Paycheck), getting mildly fucked up, and eating the best Chinese food the South Shore has to offer.

Bah Humbug indeed
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YouTube Clip Of The Day

The Secretly Not So Exciting Lives Of Liquor Store Employees

The majority of people who read this blog are either collegians, people in the News business, or Phisheads. You may feel like there is no correllation between the three but there is a major connection.

Booze.

Newsmen drink to take the edge off, Phishheads booze because getting 1 for $3 and 2 for $5 is a great deal, and collegians binge drink like it's their job, because it is their job.

So I feel like I can begin to write this, knowing that most of you have been inside a Liquor Store before in some incarnation.

In Massachusetts, they're Package Stores, in Pennsylvania they're Booze and Cruises, and in Kentucky they're your bathtub. No matter what they're called, they have a common thread. The people working there.

Old, young, man, woman.

The liquor store employees are the gate keepers to a world which you love/abhorr/regret/got sclerosis from. That being, said you probably don't know much them.

Well, it's your lucky day, fan, because I happen to have experienced life as a liquor store employee way back in the summer of 2004.

Times were good. I was working with my buddy Chaves and another hilarious dude Jesse, who has sadly dropped off the face of the planet. Eventually my brother came into the equation, but not before I left for a real job.

Together we had a pretty fantastic time, and if it weren't for the customers, I would've never left. You see our liquor store was fairly boring so we needed to entertain ourselves any way we could.

-We organized the Andrade's Liquors Olympics, complete with keg racing obstacle course, 6-pack construction, and freezer restocking.

-Read, collectively, 7 books a week.

-Learned that lottery addicts are way worse than alcoholics.

-Theorized on possible ways to spend $200m+ lottery jackpots, including but not limited to:
-Buying out Super Bowl commercial time to invite people to a killer party you were having.
-Renting several RV's for you and friends to take out on a nation-wide scavenger hunt.
-Being Van Wilder

-Creating this:

The Andrade's Liquors Unofficial Official Guide To Customers That Make You Want To Jump Off A Bridge

1) The customer who spends hours on end scratching tickets at the register.

2) The customer who ignores the "More Imported Beer Around The Corner" sign and yells at you for not stocking Corona or Heineken.

3) The customer who comes in everday, Monday through Friday, at lunchtime and you already know exactly what they're buying (2 nips of Jack Daniels and a 16oz Budweiser) because they're dirty alcoholics.

4) Customers who ask to borrow money and when they do have money, pay for things in nickels.

5) The customer who comes in and asks for a print out of the Numbers game from September 17th, 1994.

6) The customer who can't figure out that the front door is a "Pull" and not a "Push" and ends up storming off in a huff.

7) Fantastic Sam and his ho's

8) Anyone who utters a sentence involving the words "Numbers", "Combo", "Across The Board", and "Back it Up".

9) Customers who ask for bags for 12 packs.

10) Customers who use a $100 bill for a 6-pack when there's hardly enough money in the register to begin with.

11) Customers who ask for the senior citizen's discount on something that's $4.99. Then ask you to give them a total, minus the discount, and you respond, "Yes, I took of the $0.29".

Sadly, those are the only ones I can salvage.

Hopefully, they can make you, the customer, into a better person the next time you head to the liquor store. Alternately, if any liquor store employees have anything else to add, hit up the Comments section.

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YouTube Clip Of The Day



Chances are you've probably seen it, but big shoutout to my friend Tino who sent it along pretty much right after it aired, plus it's uncensored which is great.

I'll put this sketch in a top 3 Digital short with Lazy Sunday and Harpoon Man.

Not only is it catchy as hell, not only did it spark this conversation between my girlfriend and I when I sent it to her:

Katelyn: if this is a prelude to my christmas present then this is so over
Jeff: haha no....i wish this had come out before i went shopping

But it's also the latest hit around the news room.

Step 4, Comment section, use it.

What Deadspin Can Do For You

The kind folk at Deadspin have been awesome enough to link to this blog on three occasions. It's definitely a cool thing as they were in the running for Sports Blog of the Year and are a generally fucking awesome site that I highly recommend you sports junkies check out.

Just to get a grasp on how big their readership is (and how miniscule mine is) check this out.

On the 13th I added a visitor tracker to my site that also showed a graphic map. The first day I had 61 views, mostly in Massachusetts and New York (basically, me, my Mom, and my girlfriend refreshing over and over again).

Today, I checked the map after yesterday's linkage and saw this (click for a bigger view):



So, thanks to the kind fellows over at Deadspin for appreciating my sports related musings, and thanks to whomever keeps them abreast of my bloggage.

Check their site out, you won't be disappointed.
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YouTube Clip Of The Day



Thanks, Davis Shaw

Another Change We Could See At Fenway

I'm no utility blogger and I can't cover all the bases. Sometimes I forget seemingly obvious things. Thankfully, I have Ryan LaneMoishe Barton from MoisheBarton.com to help me out with certain things.

He writes:

Excellent work on the blog, but there is one oversight. You forgot to mention how this will affect Wally, especially since he'll now have new monsters to join in his entourage.

And this, is what I think it would look like....

...


...


...




Touche, Moishe, touche.

Per Usual, The Onion Does It Better Than Me

Six Changes You Can Expect To See At Fenway Next Year

Daisuke Matsuzaka has arrived. Finally.

His arrival was followed all over the news stations, his 48 minute press conference was on NESN, hell, he even dropped the first puck at the Bruins game tonight (and they scored twice in the first 2 minutes, a sign of things to come?).

They call it Matsuzaka Mania. Daisuke Delirium. Yellow Fever (OK, only my friend Chaves calls it that).

The Boston Tourism bureau predicts we'll see an additional $78m per year because of the Dice-K signing. I expect we'll see a whole lot more than just money.

I was at Fenway when Ichiro came to town his rookie year, and I remember what that was like, this will be ten times that. Here's what you can expect:

1) Jerry Remy Learning Japanese:

When he's not smoking 2 packs a day, calling his producer a "Jew bastard", and bailing his son out of jail for beating the crap out of his girlfriend, Jerry Remy is the loveable color commentator for the Boston Red Sox. Amongst his quirks, cackling like a nicotine overdosed hyena, pimping his website's merchandise every half inning, and greeting our Spanish viewers with a 'Buenos Noches' or 'Buenos Tardes' upon telling them how to use the S-A-P button.

Well now, assuming television remotes will be equipped with J-A-P buttons, Remy will be reeling off 'Bonsowa-Ru' and 'Gu-Tenmorugen'.

2) Ticket Prices Being Listed In Yen

The Red Sox have the highest ticket prices in the entire league. In fact, this off season they made a huge todo about the fact that they weren't raising their ticket prices, and they're still way higher than anyone else. Expect the Sox to start listing their ticket prices in Yen. Not to court the Japanese market, but to make people feel better. Suddenly the guy sitting behind the pole in the Right Field grandstand doesn't feel so bad about his seats. He only paid 4,084.50 Yen for his seats. The dude in the 7th row totally got ripped off and had to pay 10,503.99 Yen!

3) The Destruction Of A Not Exactly To Scale Fenway Park

The L(R)eft Field wall is how many feet away?!

The Sox brain trust would never let Matsuzaka know that the Green Monster is a mere stone's throw away, and the Pesky Pole was even closer. So, how did they get around to fooling Matsuzaka into thinking he was coming to a pitcher's park? Simple, they thought the same thing every man in need thinks, What Would G.O.B. Bluth Do?:

Hey, maybe that's it. Maybe we should do to the Japanese what they do in their movies. Build a miniature city, put it outside the window, tell them it's far away. It'll look real if you squint. God knows they're squinters. What do you think, dad? A whole, tiny town.

But you know, instead of a tiny town, it's a tiny Fenway with more favorable dimensions. And no moles.

4) The Sushi Guy

The Sausage Guy has been a staple on Landsdowne Street for years, catering to the whims of the many gourmands of Red Sox Nation and surrounding nightlife steaming up sausages and peppers and serving them to drunk people for way too much money. But now, the area is turning Japanese, and needs to reflect the change in the way we eat. Kowloon ain't gonna cut it. So expect to see The Sushi Guy, standing on Landsdowne, doling out every drunk's favorite snack, a California Roll, giving you a chance to have a Spicy Tuna Maki with your Cracker Jacks.

Actually, that's a terrible idea and should never happen.

5) A Slew Of New Nicknames

We've already had D-Mat (incredibly, incredibly lame, please god, don't let this catch on any more than it already has) and Dice-K (which is how you pronounce his name, anyways). Of all the other ones I've heard (89% of them being racist) these are unfortunately the two best. They both have their ups and downs.

D-Mat sounds like a place where you'd need to bring a roll of quarters to, but it also capitalizes on the most popular form of current athlete nicknaming.

Dice-K is actually kind of badass and could inspire some cool Matsuzaka fansites with neat double entendres like Dice-K Looking (just remember to give me credit), but you KNOW during his starts people are going to hang up plaquards with Dice and a K on it to symbolize strikeouts. It looks pretty lame. Case in point, Yankee Stadium where they hang up pictures of moose during Mike Mussina starts and pictures of feminine hygeine products for Jaret Wright starts.

6) Daisuke's Disciples

Ever since Johnny Damon took his man-whoring ways, the Damon Disciples haven't had much to do. In comes Daisuke Matsuzaka who can rival Johnny Damon's rockstar status. Not only does he tow along a wife who was a media whore BEFORE coming to Boston (and not made of plastic, taboot), but he can inspire creativity in the passionate fanbase that has never been seen. Chicks in kimonos, dude's in sumo garb, me hoping his warm-up song is Mr. Roboto. Anything's possible.

Welcome Daisuke!

Konichiwa, bitches.
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YouTube Clip Of The Day





Um. What?

A Jihad On The Elias Sports Bureau: Recalling My Personal Pearl Harbor

I woke up on Tuesday, November 14th a happy man. The sun was shining, it was gorgeous for November, and a festive Thanksgiving lie just around the corner.

Alternately, Wednesday, November 15th was a horrible day. One of the worst in years. Sure, the weather was kind of nice, but winter was coming I wasn't fooled. Plus I'd have to deal with my family at Thanksgiving in like a week.

What could ruin such a perfectly normal Wednesday? Fantasy Sports, the Elias Sports Bureau, and the Philadelphia Eagles.

On Tuesday I found out that The Terrance Maddox Experience had beaten the previously undefeated Fumblin' Fools behind strong performances from Tony "Oh" Romo "You Didn't" (eat me, Chris Berman), Marques ColstOWN, Larry JohnsOWN, and the Carolina Panthers. I had retained sole possession of third place after a lackluster season thus far. Upon returning to work, I was greeted by coworkers as a concquering hero.

That euphoria lasted exactly 24 hours.

The next day, I woke up and decided to check the league's standings again, just as a nice pickmeup. The exact opposite happened.

I had lost my matchup, 77-60


After alternating spells of passing out with lots and lots of tears, I decided to find out what happened. It took me hours of searching to figure out what sent me from clear possession of third place, to a 4th place clusterfuck with half the league.

Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb was credited with an additional touchdown pass against the Washington Redskins last weekend after an analysis by the National Football League's statisticians.

The Elias Sports Bureau, official scorekeepers for the league, reviewed tape of the Nov. 12 game and decided that a second-quarter play involving McNabb, receiver Reggie Brown and running back Correll Buckhalter didn't include a fumble, as officials ruled at the time, Elias researcher Santo Labombarda said.

Thanks to this stupid play, I had lost my fantasy week.

Now you may be thinking to yourself, "Jeff this happened a month ago, get over it". Or, if you're my girlfriend, "Jeff, I clicked on this with the hopes of being entertained and now I have to hear about fantasy football? I hate you." Or, if you're some sort of neo-luddite, "What the fuck is fantasy football? And where did all these words come from? What is this box?"

Well, it turns out, that I missed the playoffs in my fantasy football league all because of that stupid change. I ended up finishing the season tied in 4th place at 7-7, then losing a tiebreaker, thus finishing out of the money.

I figure there has to be more of us out there.

Together we can take on the Elias Sports Bureau! Bloggers versus Statisticians!

Karma has already enacted it's revenge on Donovan McNabb and his ACL. Correll Buckhalter will still be Correll Buckhalter at the end of the day. But those fuckers over at Elias must pay.

Can you calculate the VORP between my right hook and my left jab?

We must act soon, friends, so they can reverse that stat and have us into the playoffs for tomorrow night's game.

UNITE!
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YouTube Clip Of The Day



I totally stole this from Deadspin but it's too good not to watch again. And again. And again.

Bumper Stickers and You: A Barely Comprehensive Guide To Who You're Driving With

Bumper stickers are alot like tattoos. Not only have I never seen a cool one, but they say alot about you. Wedding Crashers referenced this with the tramp stamp. But now we all know that a teardrop tattoo on your eye means you've killed a few Crips in your day, a barbed wire tattoo more than likely means you were in college in the mid 90's (and you now hate yourself), and a tattoo on your upper neck means you're a scumbag trying to hide hickeys (sorry Delonte West)


Thankfully you all (or y'all for our Southern readers) have me to depend on. I'll break down how you should drive in relation to the cars and bumper stickers around you.

Jesus Bumper Stickers - Reckless, stay away: People with Jesus related bumper stickers are notroriously the craziest of all drivers. Why? The Lord is riding shotgun. They're the most likely to try and take a left on red causing a deadly wake of destruction behind them while they cruise off to prayer circle. Ironically, someone will place crosses at the scene of the accident.

My Child Is The Student Of The Month - Too passive, don't drive behind: These guys routinely drive 5 miles under the speed limit so the Margaret L. Donovan Elementary School Spelling Bee Champion doesn't get whiplash. Pass them immediately or you're stuck behind the student council carpool all afternoon.

Array Of Jamband Stickers - Distracted, avoid being around at all costs: Between wondering how much they should sell their heady ganja gooballs for this summer, settling down the puppy, trying to remember the exact setlist of that "killer" Cornell Dead show in '77, and wondering whether their 6 month old daughter Moonbeam is too young to bring on tour, how could they be expected to stay in their own lane? Plus there's a 97% chance the car's engine is in worse shape than Trey Anastasio's right nostril and is prone to break down on short notice at any time.

Leftist Political Stickers - Too passive, don't drive behind: These drivers are more likely to be cut-off than anyone else. It's not that they're cool with it, it's that they're too busy thinking of a clever way to put criticisms of the new Democratically controlled government onto a new bumper sticker. Also, cars running on Canola Oil don't have much pickup.

Fraternity and Sorority letters - carelees and rich, get the hell away: I got rid of the frats because most are smart enough to realize that the time they did the elephant walk during pledging won't get them a job after they graduate. Sorority sisters are a different breed. You never want to be stuck next to them when, like, "my little calls to tell me that her grandbig, who's my big was a total bitch to her little who's also my grandlittle, so I'm kind of conflicted as to whose side I'm on". That usually results in a few cars barelling towards a telephone pole.

Right Wing Political Stickers - Very careless, avoid: Anyone with a George W Bush sticker obviously hasn't been paying attention. What makes you think they're looking where they're driving?

Pet Related Bumper Stickers - Unpredictable, stay away as a precautionary measure: Pet people are really weird, but you can assume that one's who advertise the fact on their car are a bit off kilter. If it's a cat related, get the fuck away. I don't trust a cat lady behind the wheel of anything other than a shopping cart. If the number of dog related bumper stickers are less than, or equal to 2, you're OK. If it's more than that, get as far away as you can. Insane dog people have no regard for human life. They often watch the news and cry when hearing stories of mistreated dogs but change the channel when there are stories about mistreated toddlers.

Cheeky, Witty Comment - Run over: What's the matter, did your World of Warcraft account run up? Get a blog, dork.

Wait a minute...

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YouTube Clip Of The Day


My brother Dave hooked me up. Might not be safe for work due to language, but also might not be sane for work.

I Think Chuck Klosterman Might Hate Me And I Don't Know Why

Chuck Klosterman hates me.

This is sad news, for sure, because I opposite of hate Chuck Klosterman.

Chuck Klosterman is one of the best, funniest, and most brilliant writers today. For the most part he is a genius, but can oftentimes come off a bit pretentious. Big deal. I love him.

Now, Chuck Klosterman doesn't know me, but I'm sure we'd get along famously. Aside from being a decade apart in age I feel that our similarities outweigh our differences.

We both love music. Sure, Chuck's tastes and general knowledge go far deeper than I. I mean, we both love Radiohead, but Chuck went on to compare the album Kid A, to a complete soundtrack to the 24 hours that were 9/11/01. I, on the other hand, have only gone as far as stating, "Paranoid Android has the best bassline of all time".

Well, we could possibly wax poetic on sports. But once again, whereas Chuck has written many genius essays on ESPN and in his books, I've just written this sign.

Pop culture-wise, well, he's got several books under his belt and I've only come up with the thesis that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles singlehandedly submarined the anchovy industry (which I hope to one day extrapolate).

In any case, I think Mr. Klosterman and I would be fast friends. His vocabulary may be far superior to mine, he may still smoke more pot than I did during my sophomore year of college combined, and he may hate bloggers, but that's OK.

Yup, Chuck hates bloggers.

Apparently he feels that getting things published for people to see, and influencing the way people think without doing the proper research is wrong.

Or at least that's what my girlfriend told me on the phone...

Fuck. Maybe he was right.

Dashiell Hammett Is The Only Other Person Who Could Write This

I am a true, hard-boiled American hero.

While you were growing up reading See Spot Run and Amelia Badelia books, I was prepping for the future. I devoured the Nancy Drew series, read all the Encyclopedia Brown books, had various case files on The Hardy Boys, even had a slight photographic memory ala lesser juvenile crime fighting hero Cam Jansen.

Not only did I know where in the world Carmen Sandiego was, I could also locate her in various time periods.

I knew that these hobbies would somehow come in handy for future crime-fighting endeavors, despite the fact that I am a major pussy.

Today was that day.

I woke up at noon, politely declining my alarm clock's invitation to wake up several hours earlier. After my normal 45 minute intraweb procrastination, including but not limited to, IM'ing my girlfriend, vigorously reading the UniWatch, posting on upwards of 3 message boards, and listening to The New Pornographers at obnoxious volume levels, I headed downstairs to make breakfastbruncha pot of coffee featuring an omelette.

I noticed something askew.

Outside my back steps, were two overcoats, one of them men's, the other a women's fur coat, covering a beige purse. Now, I know if anyone in my house were to cross-dress it would probably be me, but I don't look good in fur, so I quickly discounted that I had perhaps blacked out and purchased these items. I waited for my roomates to come back from whence they came, to see if they, or their various lady friends were responsible for this.

Their answer: No.

This problem was beyond their gumshoe-esque thought processes and was quickly becoming something only someone trained in the art of sleuth-dom could quantify. That someone was me.

I quickly rifled through the purse to find identification, also finding a cell phone along the way. Using quick wits and innate technical ability that would make George Lazenby go, "What the fuck?", I managed to find an entry in the cell phone listed as "Home".

I then called that number, and left a message, stating to the person that I am, in this holiday season, their personal Jesus Christ, Santa Claus, and Hannukah Harry all wrapped into one had her stuff and would like to get it back to her.

Fast forward a few hours and I get a message back from the girl saying that this is a miracle because her stuff was stolen from a bar on Saturday night. Turns out it's the same bar, Tomy Doyle's, where my roomates and I used to dominate on Trivia night. Apparently, we had left the patrons there in such bad mental and fiscal shape that they had resorted to stealing purses and coats only to dump in my backyard (?!).

I was able to successfuly give this woman back her stolen goods and turn down a handsome reward, because it is all in a day's work for a true American hero as I try to clean up the streets of Newton, bringing back it's much deserved Safest City In America distinction (4th Safest, sounds downright sketchy).

Note: everything in this post was true, except for the part where I said I looked bad in fur.
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YouTube Clip Of The Day



Thanks to Bryan Geiler for the video, and thanks to my parents for raising my Jewish so I never had to wait for an imaginary fat guy in a jumpsuit in a cold ass car hole garage.

Getting Our Gossip On!

I try very hard to make this spot entertaining for all but sometimes my mis-directed sarcasm becomes boring. Hey, I hear ya. That's why I've recruited ex-roomate Ryan to spice this place up with the hottest celebrity gossip.

The only thing holding him back from internet celebrity was a new name. "Ryan Lane presents Life In The Fast Lane" was way too Page Six. So, I took a page out of Perez Hilton's book to help Ryan come up with a good name.

Celebrity Name - First Name + Faux First Name that Represents your Cultural Heritage = New Blog Name

I present to you:

Moische Barton.

Enjoy!
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MoischeBarton.com
The Dr. Brown’s Cel-Ray of Celebrity Pop

Moische here from Joan and Ed’s Delicatessen with all the celebrity schmear you just have to hear.


Yeah, yeah, we’ve all read about and seen the pictures of Britney Spears’s Gaza strip. Big deal, we say. Do you think Moses and the future Israelites wore underwear while wandering the desert for 40 years? Moische doesn’t think so—in fact, I’m pretty sure that’s where the old “sand in the vagina” expression comes from. I mean, that shit’s everywhere in the desert! Brit, other sites might be a "slave 4 u", but this blogger, nay journalist, is more focused on some true ex-slaves in the real world: the Hebrews!
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So, while some might be offended by Ms. Spears showing “El Al” to the world, we’re more concerned with celebs not covering up a different part of their body: their heads! It’s about time some of these chosen people chose to yarmulke up!

-Ben Stiller: The “Heavyweights” star should be feeling some heavy weight right about now: Jewish guilt! “Kippah the faith” is what we’d say to him; after all, “there’s something about mitzvahs” during the holiday season!

-Dustin Hoffman: What’s “stranger than fiction”? How about this famous “graduate” not learning about honoring the Lord during his studies. Seriously, don a skullcap-tain Hook!

-Woody Allen: It’s bad enough you’re “bananas” over the shiksas; atone and grab a beanie, baby!

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In other schmear, our faithful readers know it’s our mission to report on all things Judaic, so how about these celebrities embrace their roots and openly endorse their religion already!

-Phillip Seymour Hoffman: The “Capote” QT was spotted club-hopping last Saturday night in downtown LA. That's fun and all, Pip, but you know what’s a real “boogie night”: the Sabbath!

-Alicia Silverstone: Quit being so “clueless” about your faith! It’s no secret we’re synagogue-ga over Batgirl, but we’ll be a “miss match” until you start going to temple—so get going before you make us even more “crazy”!

-Mel Brooks: Just kidding—you know we love you, Mel! Shofar, so good, big guy!!!

That's all for now, but remember to challah back at me at moishe@temple-beth-el-schmear.com.

Happy Chanukah!!

A Friendly Reminder

Remember, folks, new episodes of the fantastic web-series by Ragtag Productions, "We Need Girlfriends" premieres on the first of every month, which means that tonight at midnight, the newest episode, "The Blue Room" will be unleashed upon the intrawebs.

Miss the first episode? No worries, here it is:



Also, here's a snazzy season preview trailer for upcoming season. I have some insider info, and believe me, you don't want to miss the shenanigans Ragtag has in store for us:



So, you might be asking yourself some questions. "How do I watch the latest episode?", "The Ragtag guys seem great, will you help me be there friend/sleep with them?", "Why am I asking so many questions to myself, do I have a problem?"

Let me answer those questions one by one.

1. At midnight, head to this website, weneedgirlfriends.tv, and like magic (or illusion) thr new episode will be there for your viewing pleasure. (Please note: last month I had issues with a midnight update on Firefox, so try for using Internet Explorer if you need the quickest 12:01 fix. Firefox did accept the update the next morning.)

2. Yes

3. I'm not sure, but for all diagnosis of my potentially debilitating diseases or illnesses, I use WebMD

Happy viewing, WNG fans

There Is No Movie Theatre That Can Hold Me

In "The Rock", no prison can hold Sean Connery's John Patrick Mason. In "Pulp Fiction", no problem can hold Harvey Keitel's Winston "The Wolf" Wolfe. In real life, no movie theatre can hold Jeff Israel's Jeff Israel.

I've been to hundreds of movie theatres in my day, and I've snuck into all of them.

Sure, this might expose me, but I don't care, I'm a ghost. It has nothing to do with my skin pallor, and everything to do with my uncanny ability at evading ushers. Wolverine has rapid healing, The Flash has speed, Pete Doherty can't die, and I sneak into movies.

Everything is a product of its environment. Serial Killers grew up killing animals and nailing their parents, bullies grown up getting bullied, and jaywalkers learned to hate crossed yellow lines. I worked in a movie theatre.

At a time when most of my colleagues were serving medium popcorns (with butter in the middle!) and drinks trying to get you to get the large size for just a quarter more, I was casing the joint. While most employees went to the ice room, or the overflow popcorn and soda syrup room to make out with other employees, I took in the lay of the land.

After that job I had the skills ncesessary to flaunt the system. Sure, I could've been obvious at first but I felt like it wasn't fair. That would be like Dick Trickle pulling up to you at a stop light and challenging you to race. So, I started small, buying Child/Senior Citizen's tickets from the auto-ticket machine. They never notice, and the trend grew to epic proportions.

It wasn't until college until I was confident enough to flaunt my abilities. One fateful Saturday afternoon, a group of 15 friends ventured to the United Artists Theatres in Westbury, NY. In case you're not familiar with the UA, it's made for double features. One ticket taker, a hallway full of theatres, and an inverted concession stand so you never have to leave the ticket zone. They make it too easy.

What happened that day is legendary and is, in fact, still talked about among Hofstra students. We extrapolated on the double and took in a triple feature. A marathon session of Not Another Teen Movie->Ocean's 11->Vanilla Sky.

Since then I've plied my trade in the Bay State. In Randolph, it's either walking in the oft ignored front entrance on a weekday and having free reign, or, paying for a movie on the bottom floor and staying there all day.

AMC Framingham is almost as big of a joke as UA Westbury. Today my roomate and I saw Bond and Stranger Than Fiction then watched the opening 20 minutes of The Departed to kill time in between.

Perhaps inspired by the Bond movie, we realized there was an usher suspiciously watching us in the 6:10 Departed (while we waited for 6:;45 Stranger Than Fiction). With a few knowing glances and nods, we silently agreed to leave the theatre one at a time, rendezvous-ing in a different theatre in 10 minutes. It worked. Of course.

So, movie theatre employees, as stated in a movie I would've snuck into if I cared enough to see it in theatres, Bring It On.
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YouTube Clip Of The Day



OWNED

The Devil's Advocate

Ex-roomate Ryan and I had alot of good opinions on various issues that we enjoyed being rather vociferous about. One of my main arguments, was using the word "vociferous" in places where it's not entirely necessary (Jeff-1, Ryan-0).

Anyways, aside from placement of superfluous words, we generally agreed on most everything. As you can imagine, that took the fun out of arguing. Eventually, we decided to take up the Devil's Advocate.

Things usually took a turn for the weird. Here's what transpired last time:


Fancy Restaurants Should Present All Patrons With Two Napkins

By: Jeff Israel

Take the average place setting at any restaurant, folks. Plate, fork, knife, spoon, and napkin, or 'lapkin' as I call it, because it goes directly on your lap. See, I'm cool with the lapkin. It makes sense to a fault. It catches all the breadcrumbs, rogue sauce or beverage that could possibly dirty your crotchal region. But what happens when you have to get some debris outside your mouth? You reach all the way towards the lapkin pull it up and wipe off your mouth and put the lapkin back.

I am wholeheartedly against this, as when the lapkin is being utilized by the facial region, you run the risk of spilling crumbs all over you. Furthermore, once the lapkin is back in place, you can no longer place your hands on your lap as that area has since been contaminated by food and other trappings.

I propose ALL restaurants employ a second napkin to be used solely for the face. This would cut down on so many problems. I can't believe this hasn't happened yet.

Fancy Restaurants Should Promote Fancifulness, and not Vagrancy

By: Ryan Lane

Allow me to play devil's advocate for a moment, if you will.

I disagree with the introduction of a second napkin. As a matter of fact, I disagree with napkins altogether. Napkins promote laziness. Napkins promote hastiness. Food is meant to be savored; you should be making sure that it all finds its way into your mouth. There should be no debris on either your mouth or your lap. The napkin is nothing but a slovenly man's parachute.

Think about this logically for a moment. Imagine you're going on a date to a fancy restaurant. This place has the works: candles, flowers, troubadours, everything you could imagine. Why should a napkin be part of that list? That's practically admitting to your date that you're a slob. Sure, it might be a good line to say, "Hey, mind if I take off my pants because I think that liver and onions stain might set," but I doubt one's date would be amenable to that idea, particularly in the Ground Round parking lot. Really, all napkins say is that "I'm a mess." Thus, I say we eliminate the napkins.

Childhood obesity is a major problem in our world today. Why? Because kids eat too fast. Eliminating the napkin would reduce this speed. Think of the ribbing little Jimmy would take on the playground when he went out there with red wine practically tie-dyed across his freshly pressed Dockers. Wouldn't that make him think twice about drinking so fast?

We live in a world full of fall back plans and safety nets. I propose we eliminate napkins altogether because, simply, life's too short.


'Support The Troops' Bumper Stickers Are Too Much

By: Jeff Israel

Every time I pull up at a red light, stop at a Stop sign, or get caught in traffic it's rammed down my throat. That pompous yellow ribbon flaunting the words 'I Support The Troops'.

Well holy fucking shit! Let me process this again. You support the troops? What a novel concept, you nitwit.

Of course you support the fucking troops, you're an American. That's what you're supposed to do! You can be against the war, but that doesn't mean you want American soldiers to die. Everyone wants those kids to live. Some just don't think they belong wherever they are

Unless my gaze drifts downward from your Troop fluffing car adhesive onto a license plate originating from Prince Edward Island, I'm not fucking impressed.

Everyone supports the troops. The fact that you need to flaunt it with 10 bumper stickers just means you're a terrible person that needs to make up for that fact by trying to portray some sort of goodwill.

You make me sick.



Bumpers and Cars Are Too Much

By: Ryan Lane

If you wouldn't mind, I'd like to play devil's advocate for a minute. I simply don't understand the point of bumpers.

On bumper cars, I can see the point. In those instances, the cars just bounce off one another and everyone goes and giggles off into the sunset. But in real life? In the real world? Bumpers don't do anything. When was the last time you rear ended someone and they just scooted ten feet down the highway shouting "wheeeeeee!!!!" No, the other person gets out of their car, walks over to you, tells you to stop putting your make up on (or in Jeff's case, to put more make up on), and then says to give them your insurance information. Bumpers don't do anything on the highways of life.

In fact, cars don't do anything anymore. With our state facing problems with the tunnel system, and our country having so much trouble with oil prices, I think it's time to examine alternative transportation. What am I talking about? Flintstone cars. That's right, we should start building cars that are powered by people. Powered by nothing but someone's own gumption. Imagine a day when you say you're "running late for work" and you can literally mean it. Our society is moving forward far too fast, evolving too fast. Everyone wonders when those Jetson cars will finally come to fruition, but perhaps we've been looking at the wrong chapter in the Hanna Barbara Bible. Perhaps it's time we look to the past to save our future.

Childhood obesity is a major problem in our world today. Why? Because kids don't exercise enough. When you strap your kids into the back seat and tell them to pump their legs because otherwise they'll be late for Grandpa's wake, you can bet that they'll power you forward to greater places and, on the whole, a better tomorrow.

We live in a world of complacency, where we just expect cars to take us where we need to go. Because of that, I suggest we eliminate cars altogether because, simply, we should be in charge of our own destinies.



Finding a Happy Dress Code Medium

By: Ryan Lane

For a long period of time, it was stated how tough it was being a woman in the workplace. Sexual harassment and bias reigned supreme. Women were unable to advance their careers appropriately due to these problems; however, with time and much discussion, women have made great headway in the professional world. And even though those archaic problems still show up now and again, women have passed their gender equivalent when it comes to some areas. Most notably: dress code.

We're stuck currently in the dog days of summers. Sure, my office has air conditioning, but I still have to commute to get there; I still have to suffer through unbearable heat when it comes to toiling on the T. Women? They have it much easier. They can wear skirts, they can wear sandals to the office. Men? We're much less fortunate, it's nothing but pants all year long. Shorts and cut offs are deemed unprofessional. Sandals? Please, what man would you respect who wears open-toed shoes to a board meeting? Unless you're telling me our third quarter prospects on hemp sales, I'm not buying.

So, here's what I suggest. We need to reach a happy dress code medium when it comes to men and women. I'm not saying that women have to wear pants and dress shoes everyday. However, I am suggesting a strict dress code for the working woman. Skirts must be at least three inches below the knee. Capris? No longer allowed; take it to Old Navy, ma'am. Flip flops? No thanks, I don't care if they did cost $200. Shoes can be open backed, but must have closed fronts. These are the stipulations, and I think they are pretty fair.

Women wanted equality in the work place, it's time we gave it to them.



Wait. Do You Happen To Work In My Living Room?

By: Jeff Israel

Wow. Allow me to parlay my ignorance into something I like to call Devil's Advocate. I'm shocked by your depiction of the workplace. Not by your wanting to bridge the gap between men's and women's dress codes, just the fact that there are actually women in the workplace.

Call me old fashioned, but I remember a day when the phrase 'women's rights' pertained to whether dinner was going to be put on the table at 5:10 or 5:15 and the word 'suffrage' was just something the wife and I threw around the bedroom once or twice a month. And usually only on birthday months. Hey, remind me to bring that back!

Anyways, this whole women in the workplace thing freaks me out. Rosie the Riveter? Fine. Give her minimum wage at Jiffy Lube. But everyone else? I don't think they're ready.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love ladies. And if you don't think so, ask my wife and 9 daughters. They seem perfectly OK cleaning dishes and vacuuming the living room to me. Sure, every now and again one kind of acts up and I have to sit her down and tell her that Susan B. Anthony was a Communist. But hey, that's life in today's age. Oh, and my women wear burlap sacks. That OK, Lane?



Your Choice of Kids

By: Ryan Lane

I'm more than pleased that you have nine children, because you've been practicing something people like to call "pro-choice," or as I like to say, "pro-voice," as in, I hear you, brother.

This whole abortion debate has really gained some life, seemingly overnight. Some people are pro-life, others are pro-choice. I'm the latter, and I'm not here to yell at those who are the former. I certainly understand and respect the beliefs that have led you to that decision. All I will say, though, is that I'm anti-you.

Women should be able to choose when they are going to be parents, and an inherent commitment exists with such a loaded word. If a woman becomes pregnant at a time when she is not able to act as a mother, then she should be able to move forward without becoming one. With children, and most notably childhood obesity, running ragged nowadays, it's best for America to allow parents to decide when they are able to appropriately raise children.

Our country was based upon the beliefs of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I'll tell you this, being pro-choice applies to at least two of those.



Everyone's A Doctor On This Flight!

By: Jeff Israel

Once again I'd have to defer to a movie featuring Keanu Reeves and Al Pacino, as much as I don't want to. Yup, here comes the Devil's Advocate.

You say "some people are pro-choice", "some people are pro-life". Blah, blah, blah. I say, 'who the fuck needs a medical license to perform surgery'? Do you know how many Cholecystectomies I've done this month? Yeah, I work in a deli. So what? A large Italian sub with no hots and a side of quadruple bypass surgery? Sure thing. Coming up next.

And it's not just surgical procedures. It goes for anything, basically. Who needs a doctorate to check my prostate? Not my mechanic, I'll tell you that for sure!

In all, M.D.'s are pretty lame. Hey you went to school for about 12 years. I went to Nassau Community College for 12 weeks. Want to have a biopsy-off? No? Pussy.
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Note: A partial version of "The Devil's Advocate" is featured in a new literary magazine available on your web browser right now.

Check out, My Front Teeth
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YouTube Clip Of The Day



Ron Artest was a pussy

What's In A Name?

Fantasy sports are a multi-million dollar industry. People take them seriously, very seriously. With high stakes money involved, people start prepping their draft strategy months in advance.

Unfortunately, one of the more key aspects of running a fantasy team is sometimes left on the back burner. I'm talking about your team's name, of course. While you're wondering whether or not Ike Hilliard can still run a post pattern with one foot in the grave, you've carelessly become the 79,456th person on the planet to name their team, Just Give Me The Ring (or some other approximation)

So, friends lacking in creativity, I have teamed together with a few of my pals to form a Fantasy Team Name Consulting Agency. We're well qualified and I'll prove it to you.

Our pedigree is strong. It all came from ex-roomate Ryan's fantasy leagues. He forced us to raise the bar, and that's why he's the charter member of the agency (which ironically, doesn't have a clever name). Ryan has always chosen an insanely obscure, obscure Simpsons quote to turn into a team name. It's a harder task than it seems considering the character limit.

The beginning was tough, but we started to get our act together last spring for our baseball league. The Steve Brogan Experience (a fantastic name in itself, based on an obscure SNL reference) featured some good names. We had Snakes On A Team, Evil Shenanigans, Can I Borrow A Feeling, and Jeters Always Propser.

All pretty good stuff, but then came the real test, a weekly trivia bout at Tommy Doyle's, a bar down the street. We were facing off against teams called The Mathletes and Bell's Palsy, so we felt we needed to dominate all facets of the trivia experience, game and name included. The naming rules were simple, every week one team member would choose an obscure/amazing movie/TV character to be put in the following blank: The ___________ Experience. The name was then either accepted or vetoed by the following team. Here are some highlights.

The Chim Richalds Experience: Aw, it's always cute to reflect on your first try...or whatever. This one came from Steve. Chim Richalds is what we named his one man band after months of listening to his off-key, piano induced rendition of Coldplay songs. Chim of course, goes far deeper than this. You may me remember it was the name of the doctor Ron Burgundy pretended to be when telling Veronica Corningstone, "she got knocked up". Who knows, maybe next time we'll be Mike Rithjin...from the network... we'll pick you up....in a van.

The Stan Darsh Experience: My first naming experience. What may seem like a mispelling of one of the better South Park characters, Stan Marsh, is actually a tribute to one of the top 5 South Park episodes of all time, "Asspen". I love this episode as my girlfriend will attest for my wanting to watch it at the weirdest of times. Asspen is an 80's take-off (featuring Take On Me!), that also features amaing lines of dialogue like, "Stan Marsh? More like Stan Darsh"

The Steve Holt Experience: Not the most obscure character, but the most fun. The greatest television chracter in history's illegitimate son (G.O.B. from Arrested Development, if you're out of the loop)prompted full on "STEVE HOLT" overhanded fist pumps from the Experience after correct answers (which there were many).

And those many correct answers by the Experience actually prompted other teams not to show up any longer as they had no chances of winning. Since the initial Tommy Doyle's run of '05-06 we've dispersed, but when we get together for a trivia game, a great name is usually spawned. Some notable inclusions:

The Bruce Dickinson Experience: SNL - We put on our pants one leg at a time, only when we do it, we dominate trivia tournaments.

The Chubbs Peterson Experience: Happy Gilmore - Trivia tournament down in Florida. I hooked my ball in the rough down by the lake. Damned alligator just POPPED up, cut me down on my prime. He got me, but I tore one of the bastard's eyes out though. Look at that.

The Bob Ghenghis Khan Experience: - Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure - Frankly, we wouldve preferred the Socrates Johnson Experience, but no one could mis-pronounce it correctly enough.

The Johannes Chimpo Experience: Super Troopers - This is what the German guy called Johnny Chimpo from that Afghanistanimation. Back in the cell with your beautiful wife.

Since I've, predictably, gone off topic and gotten a bit long winded, I should get back on point. Naming our trivia teams has prepared the crew and I for, what I think, is our greatest collective team naming in awhile for the football season.

First off, the league's named the Hot Hands Hanon Experience, which a tribute to The Little Giants. Apparently the I Call This Play, The Annexation of Puerto Rico Experience was taken.

My brother started off nicely with Smart Tech, an homage to where the boys in The 40 Year Old Virgin work. Not entirely mind blowing, but a solid name.

Steve cleverly picked The Borat Experience. But he capitalized BORAT to be wicked funny. Oh wait, that name sucks.

Ryan's Kentucky Fried Panda Squadron is another vague Simpson's reference, and at this point, he could be fucking with us, and it may not even be a Simpson's reference. Whatever. I'll grandfather him into having a great name.

I kept it simple and nostalgic with the Gunnar Stahl Experience, which gave me a chance to keep "You lost it for yourself" as my perma-Smack Talk.

My buddy Davis' name is the Jaywalkers. This is a reference to a deleted scene in Old School where Vince Vaughn tells Luke Wilson to relax because, "Statutory rape is like the jaywalking of sex crimes." I don't want to give too much away, because Davis is still in possession of my Patriots tickets and I'd hate to see him incarcerated before we got to the game. But, it's an amazing story I'd be happy to share in person (and once the statute of limitations runs out, just kidding). Just trust me that this is a fantastic name in which he should be free to use for all fantasy sporting events for the rest of his life.

But the coup de gras goes to Chaves. This year he brought his naming to another level, unfortunately he still sucks at fantasy sports. Cocked In Rhode Island is a measly 3-7. The name, however, is beyond fucking awesome. A reference to the movie Outside Providence and perhaps one of the funniest movie scenes in history, when the following letter is read aloud:

Greetings Dunph,

What's happening? I got your letter today. Cornhole Academy sounds like it really sucks the big one. I can't believe they make everyone work a lot and not smoke. You should tell that piece of shit Funderturd to shove it. You didn't want to go there in the first place. He'd shit man. Today you should have seen me and Mousy today at school today. We got cocked on a pint of Blackberry brandy and ate some T.H.C. on the bus. We were fucked. This teacher, Mr. Rivera, goes -- "What's wrong with you Delaney?" I go, "I'm totally fucked, man!" Everybody laughed like a bastard. Oh man, you should - You should see this song I'm listenin' to, man. It's called, "Don't Bogart That Joint, My Friend." I think it's by a group called --



This is a couple of hours later. Must have nodded out, man. I gotta go, cause I probably definately gonna nod out again. You want me to send you some Squeef, or you got enough? Good luck not getting caught.

Cocked in Rhode Island,

Drugs.

P.S. Mousy says he stink-fingered Bunny Cote.

Anyways, I present an open invitation to anyone who has a fantasy naming dilemma. Please contact me via email or comment and my team of consultants will get working on it right away.

Who knows? You could be the next Awesome Prank Farva.
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YouTube Clip Of The Day



Can't wait until Delonte and Rondo pull this off. And no, the Sit Down Rando Experience has not been taken.

The Onion Makes Me Laugh



Funnily enough, my uncle looks exactly like the Iranian President.

I Transcribe The Greatest Moment in Conan O'Brien History

It's no secret that I'm a Conan fan. I'll take him over any other late night host in the game. I can trace my adoration for Conan back to 1998, when the single best late night talk show appearance of all time transpired. It is so awesome that I found the mp3 of a recording on Napster, like, the second week I moved into college. I have it burned onto CD, and now I have it on my iPod. I can't for the life of me find video of it, as NBC is as afraid of the internet as Fox 25, so, for you, the loyal viewing public, I shall transcribe the single greatest moment in Conan history.

The Players: Conan O'Brien, Courtney Thorne-Smith, Norm Macdonald, Carrot Top (by proxy), Horrified Audience (not pictured)

The scene: Conan is interviewing Cournety Thorne-Smith. She is the second guest of the program, Norm being the first. He stays on the couch in between Andy Richter and Courtney Thorne-Smith for the interview. Hilarity ensues:

Conan: I want to talk to you about something, because this came up earlier accidentally, because I don't know what Norm's going to talk about, and it's best that I don't know what he will talk about, but he mentioned Carrot Top. You are making a movie with Carrot Top?

Courney Thorne-Smith: Made a movie with Carrot Top

Conan: OK, you made a movie with Carrot Top, it's not out yet. Can you put the picture of Carrot Top up again? There he is.

Norm: Wait a minute, she left Melrose Place to do a movie with Carrot Top?!

(audience laughs, nervously)

Conan: That's where I'm going my friend. This begs the question, why a movie with Carrot Top?

CTS: He was great, he did a wonderful job.

Conan: There's a scene where you two embrace?

CTS: Yup, lots of making out

Conan: Oh, for god's sake.

CTS: Nothing but making out. It's like 9 1/2 Weeks, but with Carrot Top.

Conan: (laughing) Wow, I gotta check out that movie!

Norm: Is it called 9 1/2 seconds?

(audience laughs)
(long pause)

Norm: Well, because he's a premature ejaculator.

(audience, Courtney, and Andy all laugh somewhat appalled)

Conan: You know what happened? He said 9 1/2 seconds and I'm look at him, because, I know there's more. Then i wait and wait, and see th glimmer in your eye and bang.....I thought you were going with crackwhore, though.

So what's the movie going to be called?

Norm: I know what it's going to be called

Conan: Yeah, Norm, what's that?

Norm: If it's got Carrot Top you know what a good name for it would be?

Conan: What's that, Norm?

Norm: Box Office poision.

(audience reacts with laughter mixed with horror)

CTS: C'mon, I'm in it, too!

Conan: She's in it.

CTS: What about my career?

Conan: Courtney Thorne-Smith, the woman sitting to your left is in the movie!

Norm: I'm gonna go see it.....for Courtney.

CTS: (near tears) After you steer everyone else away?!

Norm: No, I love this girl. I would see any movie with this girl in it. She's a beautiful lady and a talented, nice......talk show guest.

Conan: As evidenced by her appearance on our rival show!

Alright, so there's this two hour season finale of Melrose Place, there's this movie coming out. Title undetermined at this point.

CTS: Chairman of the Board.

Conan: Ohhh, alright. (To Norm) Do something with that, ya freak.

(audience laughs, and Conan tries to end interview)

Norm: (interrupting) I bet the board is spelled B-O-R-E-D

(20 seconds of laughter, noone can get out a word)

Conan: Alright everybody, that's pretty much our show.
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YouTube Clip Of The Day



I hope Sheffield doesn't do this to Matsuzaka

"The Mighty Ducks" Was Fucking Bullshit


As one who cavorted with Film Majors and took several film courses in college, I have learned that one of the main tenets of filmmaking is 'Suspension of Disbelief'. Suspension of Disbelief is a willingness of a viewer to suspend his critical faculties to the extent of ignoring minor inconsistencies so as to enjoy a work of fiction.

The term doesn't just apply to films, but also to written works as well. In fact the term was coined by a poet:

"(…) it was agreed, that my endeavours should be directed to persons and characters supernatural, or at least romantic, yet so as to transfer from our inward nature a human interest and a semblance of truth sufficient to procure for these shadows of imagination that willing suspension of disbelief for the moment, which constitutes poetic faith."

-Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Now, you may be thinking to yourself, "I think I understand the basic principles of this theory, but could you provide examples?". Or, "Jeff, do you realize you are just quoting Wikipedia, which is not that accurate in the first place and doesn't prove that you know what you're talking about?"

Well, kind reader, first of all, I stand by my addiction to Wikipedia, and second of all, I would be more than happy to accomodate your requests for examples.

Take, "E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial" Steven Spielberg's heartwarming tale of an alien who comes to Earth looking for little kids or something and befriends a boy named Elliot and Drew Barrymore. In what everyday scenario would parents allow their children to cavort with aliens without calling in an Amber Alert? Do aliens eat Reese's Pieces? I don't know. But that didn't stop the film from winning 4 Academy Awards and becoming the great tear jerker of the early 80's. Why? Suspension of disbelief my friends.

And it's not just sci-fi movies involved, let's look at the classic guy gutwrencher "Field of Dreams". There's the glaringly obvious stretches like James Earl Jones' well publicized allergy to corn, and the not so obvious. Ray Liotta portrayed Shoeless Joe Jackson and in the movie he batted right-handed and threw left-handed, while Jackson batted left-handed and threw right-handed in real life. Also, Italians notoriously suck at baseball. Did you see their World Baseball Classic team?! Lenny Dinardo was the staff ace! I didn't care about these goofs. I accepted them with open arms as a major factor of, you guessed it, suspension of disbelief.

I've seen thousands of films and have accepted every odd plot twist, bizarre character trait, and unbelivable denoument. Every movie but three. The wholly inaccurate Mighty Ducks Trilogy.

I know what you're thinking. 'Jeff, it's just a Disney movie', 'It's a kid's movie, Jeff you have to let some things slide'. Well, those "childish" movies may be very, very important to a large contingent of people who grew up in the early to mid 80's including yours truly. And I cannot suspend my disbelief for one minute, especially with some of the more egregious happenings taking place in this film.

Charlie Conway's Unnatural Ascension to Greatness

Take the main protaganist, Charlie Conway. In the first movie this good-hearted spaz with a kind-of-hot Mom stumbles and slips his way into finally learning the triple deke. In the second, he sucks so badly, that he voluntarily gives up his roster spot to make room for Adam "Cake-Eater" Banks and spends the championship game as Assistant Coach. Then, in the third movie he enrolls at Eden Hall as a superstar. How this trainwreck of a hockey player suddenly became the second coming of Mario Lemieux is not answered, or even mentioned by the filmmakers.


Not Dealing With The Loss Of Terry Hall

I'm no rube. I understand that not every character will return in every movie of a trilogy. Mighty Duck originals absent from the second film include Dave Karp and Peter Mark (obviously in juvenile hall, if their dog crap in a purse prank was any indicator); Tammy and Tommy Duncan (most likely getting back into competetive figure skating especially since Kenny Wu left to pursue ice hockey); and Terry Hall. Terry's absence goes unmentioned . This is especially troubling because his brother Jesse is still a consistent player on the team and it spells the demise of the Oreo Line. How Jesse continues to be one of Team USA/Ducks's leading players after the tragic death/kidnapping of his younger brother boggles my mind.

Speaking of the USA/Duck Merger…

Hendricks Hockey was very generous to sponsor Team USA, and allow them to retain their Duck swagger. Giving them sweet new jerseys for their Wheaties Box photoshoot was a kind gesture (And if you think that a Junior Olympic Hockey Team being worthy of a Wheaties Box before the tournament has even begun is a stretch, you obviously misunderestimate the pull that superagent Don Tibbles has). They even hooked up Gordon Bombay with a sweet pad on the beach so he could slick his hair back like Pat Riley, do tons of blow like Butch Hobson, and try and seduce that Icelandic Jezibel under the false pretenses of "getting ice cream".

Then, in between periods of the climactic game, Team USA changes uniforms into Anaheim Mighty Ducks jerseys. Not only is this illegal (the announcers say there's nothing in the rulebooks about jersey switches, a statement that happens to be fiction), but it is disrespectful to Hendricks. The USA jerseys prominently displayed the manufacturer's logo down the sleeve, the Ducks jerseys are made by CCM. An unspeakable travesty that went unpunished by Team Hendricks. Unbelievable.

This is just the tip of the iceberg my friends. Drunks being forced to coach youth athletics, street hockey in the projects of South Central, Los Angeles, Dean Portman lawyering up before an unexpected return to Eden Hall, noone hitting on Julie "The Cat" Gaffney for the better part of 2 years (thankfully Eden Hall's varsity goalie finally saw the light), Russ Tyler's unnoticed goalie equipment change, Jan and Han's interchangability, tying Greg Goldberg to the goal without being reported to the Minnesota Interscholastic Athletics Association for hazing, Hawks Coach Jack Reilly's constant collar-popping and general douchebaggery, Fulton Reed interchanging the name's 'Fulton' and 'Reed' on the back of his jersey (the precursor to Ichiro?), everything about Luis Mendoza.

All total bullshit. All unexcusable. Disney owes us all an apology.

Oh, and this is an ode to South Park's bound to be amazing yet-to-be aired episode, synopsized like so:

Stan Marsh has hit rock bottom. He's got no job, no bicycle and his only way out of a bad situation, is to coach the local pee wee hockey team. Once a hotshot pee wee hockey player himself, Stan Marsh has tried to put those days behind him. But he's still living with the memory of how let his team down when he missed the winning shot in the big game. Now, he's about to find out that being a coach means facing your past. He's determined to show his kids what it's like to be a winner!

My Car Is A Time Machine

I have some amazing news to share.

My car, happens to be a time warp.

Sure, sure, get out all the Delorean and Flux Capacitors while you can, but I'm being fucking serious.

Everytime I get into my car, no matter the time of day, it is one hour into the future!

Right now I'm still contemplating what to do with my new found power, just like the Asian dude from "Heroes". Save the cheerleader, save the world, ya know?

So what is it like in the future? Remarkably similar, to be honest. So much so, that when I get out of my car, not much has changed. You'd be surprised at how little the world differs just one hour from whenever I get in my Accord.

Sorry, for being completely vague but the power is still new to me. I guess some background information is in order.

It all happened sometime on October 29. That day I had to work at 3:00, so I left my house when my cell phone said it was 2:30, but when I got in my car it said it was 3:30. Originally nervous that I was going to be late, I arrived at work, got out, and I'll be damned, it was 2:50. Holy shit?! It was if some ripple in the space time continuum had appeared on the driver's side door of my Honda Accord.

As Spiderman's Uncle said, "With great power, comes great responsibility", and I now know what he means. This awesome ability can tempt the fates. Think of how much is possible one hour later. I could turn on sports radio and find out what the score of the Patriots game is in the late 2nd quarter, make an educated guess on the outcome of the game, step out of the car in the present, and place a bet.

Or maybe, if I put my car in reverse, I can go back an hour.

The possibilities are endless.

Well, something tells me they might end in March.

YouTube Clip Of The Day



This comes from Jay, and it's so fucking uncomfortable, you kind of can't watch. I only wish Dwight K schrute was playing rhythm.

Accent Accident

Nick Lachey got out at the right time.

During my traditional Sunday sports marathon, I was privvy to the Jessica Simpson commercial where she hawks some HDTV. Now, we have an HDTV, so listening to what Jessica Simpson has to say was, per usual, not necessary. Instead, I, per usual, paid attention to her appearance. It's not looking good.

For the past year or so, Jessica has looked alot like a tranny, but these new commercials are even worse. Look at her weird, overly-lipsticked mouth. Creepy. She really looks like Steve Buscemi in Billy Madison, when he's putting on lipstick, writing his Hit List.

ANYWAY (Klosterman style)

The commercial is taken from a scene in Dukes Of Hazzard, which I have never scene. I love the work of Jay Chandrasekhar, but I didn't like the idea of seeing Jessica Simpson mangle a southern accent for 2 hours. Originally, I was baffled that someone could be such a bad actress that they could actually be Southern and still struggle to act with a Southern accent. But it happens more than you think.

Matt Damon, for some crazy reason, has a terrible Boston accent in both Good Will Hunting and The Departed. It's more cartoonish and let's face it, no one has that bad of an accent (not even me when I'm drunk in a foreign state and want to draw attention to myself).

The accent that bugs me more than all is used by a man who made his mark talking with a terrible accent. I'm talking about Wilmer Valderrama, who played Fez on "That 70's Show". I'm sure you know, that Fez has some ridiculously vague foreign accent, which is a constant plot foible. "Where is Fez from? He's soooo foreign", etc. That's acting, no big deal.

However, now, he has a new show on MTV called Yo Momma in which he goes to the ghettos of California and now New York City, and has people compete in telling Yo Momma jokes (seriously, that's the show). The show is based in reality, and Wilder acts as host, so you think he'd talk in his normal voice that has no signs of an accent. But no, in some ridiculous ploy to feel safe on the streets of South Central, he talks in this weird, ghetto-ized Latino tinted accent.

What a douchebag.
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YouTube Clip Of The Day



WHO WROTE IT?!

This Clearly Needs A Better Title

There is a Facebook group dedicated to this blog that has more than 70 members. That's pretty cool, I guess, but maybe not, because it seems most everyone hates Facebook. One of the more common groups among my group, is the Students Against Facebook, which has a whopping 500,000 members. nationwide.

To explain the hatred of Facebook, you have to start from the beginning.

Hofstra was one of the first schools to get hooked up to the Facebook network, way back in the spring of 2004. The original model was pretty simple. It was just for college students, you had your in-school friends and your out of school friends, you could write on people's walls and start groups. Ostensibly, it had the same basic premise as it does today: show off drunken pictures of yourself so your high school friends think you got cool in college Social Networking.

Then the shit hit the fan.

After some minor tweaks like opening up Facebook to high schools, geographic regions, and workplaces, they decided to go big time. Enter, the News Feed, which made everything you did open to the public. It was a wild time, and I've never seen people so angry. It showcased some embarassing moments for people

It ranged from the humbling:

"John Doe is now single"

To the shady:

"Jane Doe wrote on John Doe's Wall, 'I saw you're newly single. Sucks. NEways, we should get together sometime'"

To the scandalous:

"John Doe is now listed as in a relationship with: Jane Doe"

To the completely and utterly embarassing:

"John Doe added 'Mind Of Mencia' to list of favorite TV shows"

Facebook quickly learned from their mistake and added privacy controls and cooled off some steam that was building against them, putting off a potential internet coup d'etat.

See, I didn't really give a shit one way or another (aside from changing my status to, "Jeff is: Stalking People Like Fucking Crazy", as a joke). The reason, being, that I hated Facebook already. The impetus for the hatred being something I mentioned in paragraph 3. (You can scroll up and guess, or I'll just tell you now).

Facebook hit it's stride in the spring of 2004, which is when I graduated college. Reading Facebook post graduation is akin to torture. Not for the same reasons as Myspace (annoying bulletins sent out by people who apparently think that everyone who unfortunately clicked "Add " cares about the everyday mundane minutae of their existence), but for the jealousy.

Being out of college, and reading Facebook, especially since the advent of the News Feed, is like looking into a window on a place yo used to know and love and can never get back to. It sucks.

So, kids in Facebook land, be happy you get the chance to change your status to, "Binge Drinking All Weekend", because chances are, when I'm reading that, I'm at a staff meeting.

Ugh
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I broke Guitar Hero 2 last night.

I was drunk and playing Killing In The Name while my friends and I were pregaming.

I turned around during one part to do some no-look rocking out and in the midst of an epic power chord I pulled the wires, the PS2 came flying, the game came flying out and it got scratched.

I'm definitely exchanging it at Best Buy. Don't tell on me, please.
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YouTube Clip Of The Day

I was in Marching Band in 8th grade and I fucking hated it. Maybe I would've liked it if we played Radiohead! This kicks ass. Airbag->Paranoid Android, The National Anthem.