Tuesday, December 19, 2006

The Secretly Not So Exciting Lives Of Liquor Store Employees

The majority of people who read this blog are either collegians, people in the News business, or Phisheads. You may feel like there is no correllation between the three but there is a major connection.


Newsmen drink to take the edge off, Phishheads booze because getting 1 for $3 and 2 for $5 is a great deal, and collegians binge drink like it's their job, because it is their job.

So I feel like I can begin to write this, knowing that most of you have been inside a Liquor Store before in some incarnation.

In Massachusetts, they're Package Stores, in Pennsylvania they're Booze and Cruises, and in Kentucky they're your bathtub. No matter what they're called, they have a common thread. The people working there.

Old, young, man, woman.

The liquor store employees are the gate keepers to a world which you love/abhorr/regret/got sclerosis from. That being, said you probably don't know much them.

Well, it's your lucky day, fan, because I happen to have experienced life as a liquor store employee way back in the summer of 2004.

Times were good. I was working with my buddy Chaves and another hilarious dude Jesse, who has sadly dropped off the face of the planet. Eventually my brother came into the equation, but not before I left for a real job.

Together we had a pretty fantastic time, and if it weren't for the customers, I would've never left. You see our liquor store was fairly boring so we needed to entertain ourselves any way we could.

-We organized the Andrade's Liquors Olympics, complete with keg racing obstacle course, 6-pack construction, and freezer restocking.

-Read, collectively, 7 books a week.

-Learned that lottery addicts are way worse than alcoholics.

-Theorized on possible ways to spend $200m+ lottery jackpots, including but not limited to:
-Buying out Super Bowl commercial time to invite people to a killer party you were having.
-Renting several RV's for you and friends to take out on a nation-wide scavenger hunt.
-Being Van Wilder

-Creating this:

The Andrade's Liquors Unofficial Official Guide To Customers That Make You Want To Jump Off A Bridge

1) The customer who spends hours on end scratching tickets at the register.

2) The customer who ignores the "More Imported Beer Around The Corner" sign and yells at you for not stocking Corona or Heineken.

3) The customer who comes in everday, Monday through Friday, at lunchtime and you already know exactly what they're buying (2 nips of Jack Daniels and a 16oz Budweiser) because they're dirty alcoholics.

4) Customers who ask to borrow money and when they do have money, pay for things in nickels.

5) The customer who comes in and asks for a print out of the Numbers game from September 17th, 1994.

6) The customer who can't figure out that the front door is a "Pull" and not a "Push" and ends up storming off in a huff.

7) Fantastic Sam and his ho's

8) Anyone who utters a sentence involving the words "Numbers", "Combo", "Across The Board", and "Back it Up".

9) Customers who ask for bags for 12 packs.

10) Customers who use a $100 bill for a 6-pack when there's hardly enough money in the register to begin with.

11) Customers who ask for the senior citizen's discount on something that's $4.99. Then ask you to give them a total, minus the discount, and you respond, "Yes, I took of the $0.29".

Sadly, those are the only ones I can salvage.

Hopefully, they can make you, the customer, into a better person the next time you head to the liquor store. Alternately, if any liquor store employees have anything else to add, hit up the Comments section.


YouTube Clip Of The Day

Chances are you've probably seen it, but big shoutout to my friend Tino who sent it along pretty much right after it aired, plus it's uncensored which is great.

I'll put this sketch in a top 3 Digital short with Lazy Sunday and Harpoon Man.

Not only is it catchy as hell, not only did it spark this conversation between my girlfriend and I when I sent it to her:

Katelyn: if this is a prelude to my christmas present then this is so over
Jeff: haha no....i wish this had come out before i went shopping

But it's also the latest hit around the news room.

Step 4, Comment section, use it.


Chaves said...

Fantastic Sam and his ho's! Hahahaha.

Can I get 3 Wolfies?

B. Geiler said...

Dude, the only thing that can top working at a liquor store is working at a liquor store that doubles as a bottle redemption place! You think that the people who come in to buy alcohol are bad? Try the people who come in and exchange their 60 cents worth of Meister Brau cans only to go buy another 12 pack when they get it back. I lived through this from 2001-2002 and it was incredible. If I could, I would add:

1.) Guy who drives a jaguar but drinks some of the nastiest beer around and INSISTS on getting his deposit back via can return.

2.) The guy who smells worse than the month-old bottles and cans he's returning.

3.) The woman who wears sunglasses all the time, drives a toyota carola and puts the 45 cents of can money to purchase a half-pint of Caldwell's vodka.

4.) Guy who counts his 560 cans before he comes and then tells you that you got the count wrong and you're short changing him. This guy usually drives a Dodge Stratus.

FenwayFaithful78 said...

I worked at Blanchard's in Hyannis one summer. Horrid!!

Checking out the Vineyard couples who just bought 6 mixed cases of various bloody mary mix, and 10 cases of mixed: gin, vodka, scotch. Not to mention they wanted to you to follow them around the store so they could hand YOU stuff to put in THEIR carriage.

I had one lady accuse me of charging her TWICE for a $3.99 Tom Collins mixer.

The most depressing part? The people who were waiting outside when the store opened.

The best part? The managers played Sox games on the store sound system. LOUD.