The Secretly Not So Exciting Lives Of Liquor Store Employees
The majority of people who read this blog are either collegians, people in the News business, or Phisheads. You may feel like there is no correllation between the three but there is a major connection.
Newsmen drink to take the edge off, Phishheads booze because getting 1 for $3 and 2 for $5 is a great deal, and collegians binge drink like it's their job, because it is their job.
So I feel like I can begin to write this, knowing that most of you have been inside a Liquor Store before in some incarnation.
In Massachusetts, they're Package Stores, in Pennsylvania they're Booze and Cruises, and in Kentucky they're your bathtub. No matter what they're called, they have a common thread. The people working there.
Old, young, man, woman.
The liquor store employees are the gate keepers to a world which you love/abhorr/regret/got sclerosis from. That being, said you probably don't know much them.
Well, it's your lucky day, fan, because I happen to have experienced life as a liquor store employee way back in the summer of 2004.
Times were good. I was working with my buddy Chaves and another hilarious dude Jesse, who has sadly dropped off the face of the planet. Eventually my brother came into the equation, but not before I left for a real job.
Together we had a pretty fantastic time, and if it weren't for the customers, I would've never left. You see our liquor store was fairly boring so we needed to entertain ourselves any way we could.
-We organized the Andrade's Liquors Olympics, complete with keg racing obstacle course, 6-pack construction, and freezer restocking.
-Read, collectively, 7 books a week.
-Learned that lottery addicts are way worse than alcoholics.
-Theorized on possible ways to spend $200m+ lottery jackpots, including but not limited to:
-Buying out Super Bowl commercial time to invite people to a killer party you were having.
-Renting several RV's for you and friends to take out on a nation-wide scavenger hunt.
-Being Van Wilder
The Andrade's Liquors Unofficial Official Guide To Customers That Make You Want To Jump Off A Bridge
1) The customer who spends hours on end scratching tickets at the register.
2) The customer who ignores the "More Imported Beer Around The Corner" sign and yells at you for not stocking Corona or Heineken.
3) The customer who comes in everday, Monday through Friday, at lunchtime and you already know exactly what they're buying (2 nips of Jack Daniels and a 16oz Budweiser) because they're dirty alcoholics.
4) Customers who ask to borrow money and when they do have money, pay for things in nickels.
5) The customer who comes in and asks for a print out of the Numbers game from September 17th, 1994.
6) The customer who can't figure out that the front door is a "Pull" and not a "Push" and ends up storming off in a huff.
7) Fantastic Sam and his ho's
8) Anyone who utters a sentence involving the words "Numbers", "Combo", "Across The Board", and "Back it Up".
9) Customers who ask for bags for 12 packs.
10) Customers who use a $100 bill for a 6-pack when there's hardly enough money in the register to begin with.
11) Customers who ask for the senior citizen's discount on something that's $4.99. Then ask you to give them a total, minus the discount, and you respond, "Yes, I took of the $0.29".
Sadly, those are the only ones I can salvage.
Hopefully, they can make you, the customer, into a better person the next time you head to the liquor store. Alternately, if any liquor store employees have anything else to add, hit up the Comments section.
YouTube Clip Of The Day
Chances are you've probably seen it, but big shoutout to my friend Tino who sent it along pretty much right after it aired, plus it's uncensored which is great.
I'll put this sketch in a top 3 Digital short with Lazy Sunday and Harpoon Man.
Not only is it catchy as hell, not only did it spark this conversation between my girlfriend and I when I sent it to her:
Katelyn: if this is a prelude to my christmas present then this is so over
Jeff: haha no....i wish this had come out before i went shopping
But it's also the latest hit around the news room.
Step 4, Comment section, use it.