Tuesday, December 26, 2006

My Hatred Of Nickelback Has (Almost) Nothing To Do With How Terrible Their Music Is, OR Nickelback Shows No Regard To Human Life, Particularly Mine

This is a topsy turvy world but there are a few constants. What goes up must come down, teenagers in public will always be annoying, and Nickelback sucks.

The majority of Nickelback detractors harp on the fact that everyone of the band's songs sound exactly the same. This is true, check this out and remember to turn up your speakers.

Nickelback lead singer and clever wordsmith, Chad Kroeger, has countered back against this movement with this retort:
"Nickelback doesn't suck"

Kroeger's main argument is that, Nickelback produces a "hit sound", and wouldn't be so popular if they "sucked".

The "___ can't be terrible because so many people like it" defense is deplorable at best. Take America, where George W. Bush won a Presidential election, 'Deal Or No Deal' is a popular show, and MySpace is the most popular website. Under Kroeger's argument, these 3 things would "not suck" and in fact, be really good, when in reality:

George W. Bush is a retard
Deal Or No Deal is television for retards
Myspace helps retards find eachother.

For the record, I do contest that Nickelback sucks, but when it comes to my hatred of the band, that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Allow me to explain:

It was 2002 and I was at Hofstra University.

There was a good mood surrounding the campus because a concert was coming to Hempstead. Concerts are always fun at college despite the musical act, because it's a cheap diversion from the normal bar scene (I mean, I was stoked to see Jimmy's Chicken Shack and 2 Skinnee J's one year). And it's never not fun to get inordinately fucked up in front of a live musical act, on campus nonetheless

This year's triple bill featured Default, Saliva, and, you guessed it, Nickelback.

That afternoon I had to work at the Sports Information Dept. in the Physical Fitness Center until about 3pm, then it was back to Nassau Hall for hours worth of pregaming. On the menu, cheap beer and expensive marijuana.

I left work at the PFC and headed down my normal route, passing the baseball diamond, and cutting through one of the intramural fields when I heard a hellish buzzing sound (not disimilar to the bridge of "How You Remind Me, FYI) coming from my right. I looked over and saw the entire band Nickelback on some sort of ATV, rounding the gym, and heading straight towards me at about 40 miles per hour (see map).

I did the only thing one would do when about to be run over by a run of the mill Canadian rock and roll band. I stood still, waited to die, and pictured the sad music and somber narration they would use before the commercial break when talking about this instance on Behind the Music: Nickelback. I also kind of wished I was about to be killed by a better band (which is also why I never accept rides from Vince Neil).

Fortunately, Nickelback is a lot better at maneuvering all terrain vehicles than they are at playing instruments, and they narrowly avoided me.

I went on to tell my tale to anyone who would listen, eventually imbibing in enough substances to kill the cast of Diff'rent Strokes, and then heading to the concert with some friends.

Oh, also, Nickelback really sucked that night.
YouTube Clip Of The Day


Anonymous said...

::strokes ego:::

sweet blog phan

ryan said...

I really enjoyed your photograph; in fact, it made me laugh.