Monday, December 11, 2006

A Jihad On The Elias Sports Bureau: Recalling My Personal Pearl Harbor

I woke up on Tuesday, November 14th a happy man. The sun was shining, it was gorgeous for November, and a festive Thanksgiving lie just around the corner.

Alternately, Wednesday, November 15th was a horrible day. One of the worst in years. Sure, the weather was kind of nice, but winter was coming I wasn't fooled. Plus I'd have to deal with my family at Thanksgiving in like a week.

What could ruin such a perfectly normal Wednesday? Fantasy Sports, the Elias Sports Bureau, and the Philadelphia Eagles.

On Tuesday I found out that The Terrance Maddox Experience had beaten the previously undefeated Fumblin' Fools behind strong performances from Tony "Oh" Romo "You Didn't" (eat me, Chris Berman), Marques ColstOWN, Larry JohnsOWN, and the Carolina Panthers. I had retained sole possession of third place after a lackluster season thus far. Upon returning to work, I was greeted by coworkers as a concquering hero.

That euphoria lasted exactly 24 hours.

The next day, I woke up and decided to check the league's standings again, just as a nice pickmeup. The exact opposite happened.

I had lost my matchup, 77-60

After alternating spells of passing out with lots and lots of tears, I decided to find out what happened. It took me hours of searching to figure out what sent me from clear possession of third place, to a 4th place clusterfuck with half the league.

Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb was credited with an additional touchdown pass against the Washington Redskins last weekend after an analysis by the National Football League's statisticians.

The Elias Sports Bureau, official scorekeepers for the league, reviewed tape of the Nov. 12 game and decided that a second-quarter play involving McNabb, receiver Reggie Brown and running back Correll Buckhalter didn't include a fumble, as officials ruled at the time, Elias researcher Santo Labombarda said.

Thanks to this stupid play, I had lost my fantasy week.

Now you may be thinking to yourself, "Jeff this happened a month ago, get over it". Or, if you're my girlfriend, "Jeff, I clicked on this with the hopes of being entertained and now I have to hear about fantasy football? I hate you." Or, if you're some sort of neo-luddite, "What the fuck is fantasy football? And where did all these words come from? What is this box?"

Well, it turns out, that I missed the playoffs in my fantasy football league all because of that stupid change. I ended up finishing the season tied in 4th place at 7-7, then losing a tiebreaker, thus finishing out of the money.

I figure there has to be more of us out there.

Together we can take on the Elias Sports Bureau! Bloggers versus Statisticians!

Karma has already enacted it's revenge on Donovan McNabb and his ACL. Correll Buckhalter will still be Correll Buckhalter at the end of the day. But those fuckers over at Elias must pay.

Can you calculate the VORP between my right hook and my left jab?

We must act soon, friends, so they can reverse that stat and have us into the playoffs for tomorrow night's game.


YouTube Clip Of The Day

I totally stole this from Deadspin but it's too good not to watch again. And again. And again.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

AIDS, global warming, the sudan, cancer, starving children all over the world. I know we can't all be Santa Angelina but for the love of god write about something other than make believe sports. Mer to you my friend, MER!