Thursday, December 14, 2006

Six Changes You Can Expect To See At Fenway Next Year

Daisuke Matsuzaka has arrived. Finally.

His arrival was followed all over the news stations, his 48 minute press conference was on NESN, hell, he even dropped the first puck at the Bruins game tonight (and they scored twice in the first 2 minutes, a sign of things to come?).

They call it Matsuzaka Mania. Daisuke Delirium. Yellow Fever (OK, only my friend Chaves calls it that).

The Boston Tourism bureau predicts we'll see an additional $78m per year because of the Dice-K signing. I expect we'll see a whole lot more than just money.

I was at Fenway when Ichiro came to town his rookie year, and I remember what that was like, this will be ten times that. Here's what you can expect:

1) Jerry Remy Learning Japanese:

When he's not smoking 2 packs a day, calling his producer a "Jew bastard", and bailing his son out of jail for beating the crap out of his girlfriend, Jerry Remy is the loveable color commentator for the Boston Red Sox. Amongst his quirks, cackling like a nicotine overdosed hyena, pimping his website's merchandise every half inning, and greeting our Spanish viewers with a 'Buenos Noches' or 'Buenos Tardes' upon telling them how to use the S-A-P button.

Well now, assuming television remotes will be equipped with J-A-P buttons, Remy will be reeling off 'Bonsowa-Ru' and 'Gu-Tenmorugen'.

2) Ticket Prices Being Listed In Yen

The Red Sox have the highest ticket prices in the entire league. In fact, this off season they made a huge todo about the fact that they weren't raising their ticket prices, and they're still way higher than anyone else. Expect the Sox to start listing their ticket prices in Yen. Not to court the Japanese market, but to make people feel better. Suddenly the guy sitting behind the pole in the Right Field grandstand doesn't feel so bad about his seats. He only paid 4,084.50 Yen for his seats. The dude in the 7th row totally got ripped off and had to pay 10,503.99 Yen!

3) The Destruction Of A Not Exactly To Scale Fenway Park

The L(R)eft Field wall is how many feet away?!

The Sox brain trust would never let Matsuzaka know that the Green Monster is a mere stone's throw away, and the Pesky Pole was even closer. So, how did they get around to fooling Matsuzaka into thinking he was coming to a pitcher's park? Simple, they thought the same thing every man in need thinks, What Would G.O.B. Bluth Do?:

Hey, maybe that's it. Maybe we should do to the Japanese what they do in their movies. Build a miniature city, put it outside the window, tell them it's far away. It'll look real if you squint. God knows they're squinters. What do you think, dad? A whole, tiny town.

But you know, instead of a tiny town, it's a tiny Fenway with more favorable dimensions. And no moles.

4) The Sushi Guy

The Sausage Guy has been a staple on Landsdowne Street for years, catering to the whims of the many gourmands of Red Sox Nation and surrounding nightlife steaming up sausages and peppers and serving them to drunk people for way too much money. But now, the area is turning Japanese, and needs to reflect the change in the way we eat. Kowloon ain't gonna cut it. So expect to see The Sushi Guy, standing on Landsdowne, doling out every drunk's favorite snack, a California Roll, giving you a chance to have a Spicy Tuna Maki with your Cracker Jacks.

Actually, that's a terrible idea and should never happen.

5) A Slew Of New Nicknames

We've already had D-Mat (incredibly, incredibly lame, please god, don't let this catch on any more than it already has) and Dice-K (which is how you pronounce his name, anyways). Of all the other ones I've heard (89% of them being racist) these are unfortunately the two best. They both have their ups and downs.

D-Mat sounds like a place where you'd need to bring a roll of quarters to, but it also capitalizes on the most popular form of current athlete nicknaming.

Dice-K is actually kind of badass and could inspire some cool Matsuzaka fansites with neat double entendres like Dice-K Looking (just remember to give me credit), but you KNOW during his starts people are going to hang up plaquards with Dice and a K on it to symbolize strikeouts. It looks pretty lame. Case in point, Yankee Stadium where they hang up pictures of moose during Mike Mussina starts and pictures of feminine hygeine products for Jaret Wright starts.

6) Daisuke's Disciples

Ever since Johnny Damon took his man-whoring ways, the Damon Disciples haven't had much to do. In comes Daisuke Matsuzaka who can rival Johnny Damon's rockstar status. Not only does he tow along a wife who was a media whore BEFORE coming to Boston (and not made of plastic, taboot), but he can inspire creativity in the passionate fanbase that has never been seen. Chicks in kimonos, dude's in sumo garb, me hoping his warm-up song is Mr. Roboto. Anything's possible.

Welcome Daisuke!

Konichiwa, bitches.

YouTube Clip Of The Day

Um. What?


Mike said...

Way to be a racist, while insulting the other racists.


Jeff said...

I'm pretty sure was being intentionally stereotypical for the purpose of satire. But if you think I was being racist, then you must be right.

Anonymous said...

"Dice-K" is not how you pronounce his name.

There are three syllables. Really.

D said...


Jeff said...

If someone could show me where I was being actually racist and not entirely facetious, it'd be appreciated.

Maybe when it was while I was quoting Arrested Development

Anonymous said...

"Dice-K" is not how you pronounce his name.

There are three syllables. Really.

Stating that the English alphabet translation from the Japanese language has three syllables doesn't prove anything. Any cross alphabet translation will be inherently unreliable.
Also, the Japanese language is not monolithic and has many regional dialects and pronunciations. I am pretty sure that everyone connected with the Red Sox made sure to pronounce his name correctly.

Anonymous said...

Good column, man - very funny. Anyone who thinks this was racist clearly missed the point, and is an idiot. And probably a racist too.

Anonymous said...

And fat!

Anonymous said...

Maybe I'm an insensitive jerk, but I didn't feel any particular "Klan Alert". Take a joke, girls. Get it? Now I'm a misogynist! Dang!

Anonymous said...

He's so racist that he spends most of his time hanging out with a Colombian ... who happend to have coined the 'yellow fever' phrase. Racist indeed. Dumbasses.