Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Rod vs. Henry

For those new readers to the blog, be it Deadspinners, Facebookers, editors-in-chief of the Improper Bostonian, or the elderly who can't figure out how they got here and can't figure out how to get off this page, there's one thing you have to understand about me. I'm a shameless self-promoter. BUT, there is one thing I like to promote more than myself. Chevy Silverados My friends, especially when they've come up with a killer product. My collegiate cohorts Brian, Angel, and Steve have done just that.

Sure, I've endlessly promoted 'We Need Girlfriends' before, but this time it's different. They're become web superstars. A few weeks ago, their latest episode was the #1 featured video on MySpace. It got something like, a zillion (estimate) hits, and so what if 1/4 of the viewers were sexual predators because every time they watched, it's another 7 minutes spent not sending explicit comments to your 17 year old sister. That's heroism.

In addition, the stars of WNG are blowing up. Just this week I was watching My Super Sweet 16 (the one where the fat Italian girl nearly sinks a gondola) when lo and behold I saw WNG's "Henry" in a commercial for Easy Mac! Jousting down a dorm hallway for some microwavable goodness.

In fact, the next episode is entitled "Rod vs. Henry" and while I have no insider insight as to why they're fighting, I like to imagine it's over Easy Mac. And I like to think it looks like this:

And if that all tickles your fancy, check out this a store to buy WNG merch! I am officially starting a contest, right here, today, calling for the best, most unique photo of you/your sister/brother/mother/father/pet/chancellor in a WNG shirt. The prize is TBD, but it'll probably be awesome. So hook it up.

And remember:

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

The Arcade Fire Setlist from Night 1 on the Mini-Tour

Neon Bible doesn't come out for another month and a half, yet I've been playing it non-stop. According to iTunes this now the 18th time I've listened to the song 'Intervention', which is easily one of the greatest songs to come out in the past 5 years (in fact, it's almost insulting that this post follows one about Fergie, but whatever). I'd love to review the entire CD in a completely hyperbolic manner (ie, "If Jesus reproduced with Beethoven, their offspring would wish they could produce an album as good as The Arcade Fire's 'Neon Bible'), but I'll probably wait until the final master copy comes out in March.

Last night, they kicked off their tour at St. John's, a former church in London, and by all accounts it dominated, as per usual, despite a little tour rusty-ness. This is exciting because I'll be seeing them about 10 shows into their tour, and at an actual church. Here's some enjoyable tidbits I found about the show.

From "The Guardian" (a newspaper, not a superhero, for all of our non-Brit-o-phile friends):
Before he formed the Arcade Fire with his wife Regine Chassagne, Win Butler was studying the Bible. So you'd think he would feel slightly odd about playing in a venue that was once a place of worship. Not a bit. When someone in the crowd tries to hush his chatting neighbours, Butler's reaction is engagingly caustic: "Jesus fucking Christ," he comments with a lopsided grin, "it's not a church."

This particular entry from "NME" (Britain's answer to Rolling Stone)makes me extremely stoked:
Arcade Fire delighted their fans by finishing their first UK show since 2005 by busking outside tonight (January 29).
The Canadian outfit were performing at St John's Church in Westminster, the first of five sold-out London shows taking place this week.
And after apparently finishing their encore, they made their way onto the church steps outside to play an acoustic version of 'Wake Up' from their debut album 'Funeral'.

And here's the setlist:
'Black Mirror'
'Keep the Car Running'
'No Cars Go'
'Black Wave/Bad Vibrations'
'My Body Is A Cage'
'Ocean Of Noise'
'Rebellion (Lies)'
'Neighbourhood #1 (Tunnels)'
'The Well And The Lighthouse'
'(Antichrist Television Blues)'
'Neighbourhood #3 (Power Out)'
'Wake Up'


Sunday, January 28, 2007

An Open Letter To Fergie (the Douchette not the Duchess) Concerning Sobriety And Why It Isn't All It's Cracked Up To Be

Dearest Fergie,

As you're well aware, there are certain, soul crushing, epidemics
spreading across the country. One of those being the widespread usage
of crystal methamphetamine, threatening the youth of our nation and
turning them into zombies. The other, being the widespread playing of your terrible music, mostly listened to bytweens, retards, and meth head zombies.

To steal a line from an unnamed critic in the film Bittersweet
, you have been 'urinating in the ears of listeners',
which to me is at least 7 times worse than actually
urinating in your pants

Now, not everyone may understand the not at all subtle Crystal Meth reference I made above. Perhaps, even you forgot. But, yes you were once addicted to Crystal Meth, and Fergie, I think it's high time you saddle up and get back on the horse.

Please Fergie, become a meth addict once again.

I know what you're thinking Fergie. 'I can't go back to being an Ice-head, I was doing a great amount of harm to myself', and I hear that Fergie. But trust me, now that you're sober, you're doing more harm to more people.

Check out this highly scientific list, and try weighing the options:

Things You've Done While Addicted to Crystal Meth

1) Slowly killed yourself with a toxic mix of chemicals and drugs.
2) Risked developing an even uglier face.

Things You've Done While Sober

1) Stayed alive.
2) Turned a decent indie hip-hop group into a terrible pop act.
3) Made some model I've never heard of sad by breaking up her engagement to Tad Hamilton. No one likes a sad model.
4) Managed to make the movie Poisedon even worse.
5) Made an album featuring two songs on Rolling Stone's 'Worst Songs of 2006' List
6) Pissed yourself
7) Helped create an unappealing Best Buy ad.
8) Compromised your group's integrity by allowing the radio edit for the song 'Let's Get Retarded' be marketed as one of the most popular
singles of 2004-5 as "Let's Get It Started"
9) Shattered the musical potential for millions of youth by making some of the worst music in recent memory.

So, check the tale of the tape Fergie. The damage you've done to the world whilst sober far outweighs the damage you did to yourself whilst on drugs.

Please Fergie, fire up the old laboratory, surround yourself with lightbulbs and Bics, and get to killing yourself, stat. It's for the greater good.


Monday, January 22, 2007

VietNow, or VietThisSpring

I have exciting news that you've already heard a million other places.

Rage Against The Machine is reuiniting!

Now, this is big for me, because growing up Rage was my favorite band. Years ago, I surfed the shell of the internet we have now, looking for what every weird political reference meant, bought a bevy of RATM gear, and of course, listened to them non stop.

Their touring schedule always seemed to conflict with something; summer camp, college orientation, not being allowed to go to a Rage/Wu Tang show by myself. (But I did go to my first concert [Presidents Of The United States of America] wearing a Rage shirt).

They broke up in 2000, which seemed to make no sense. One of the most politically charged bands in history, broke up when George W. Bush got elected president. It seemed silly, considering the Bush administration, 9/11, Abu Ghraib, Iraq, and North Korea couldve led to about 8 Box Sets. Instead of that, we got Zack De La Rocha talking about making a solo album for 7 years, and Audioslave tarnishing RATM(and Soundgarden)'s image by sucking so very hard.

Either way, Bush is still in office for another year, and I'm sure the Zapatista rebels have been up to something lately, so they'll have something to rap about.

Remember, they're headlining Coachella Festival (which has a pretty sick lineup, by the way) and hopefully a tour will be on the way. Amen.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Brokeback Footie

Sports montages with creepy overtones are all the rage (YouTube 'Tom Brady'), but this takes the cake. My friend Justin sent this over to me and claims he was "just surfing Cristiano Ronaldo highlight videos" when he found it. Sure. My favorite part are the scissor moves synched up to the string section around the 2:00 mark. Also, you'll notice, he doesnt even score in the video! Whatever the case, I bet this wasn't edited by Wayne Rooney (but I'm not counting out Ashley Cole).

Monday, January 15, 2007

The Onion

Garage Orchestra Hands Out Demo At Boston Philharmonic Show

BOSTON, MA—The 104 members of the upstart Melrose Philharmonic Orchestra of Melrose, MA stood outside Jordan Hall Sunday and passed out demo...

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Whoops! We Now Return To Fucks on Fox

Saturday, January 13, 2007

I Wonder If The Former Mrs. Strahan Did A Jumpshot After Hearing The News?

NEWARK, N.J. -- New York Giants star Michael Strahan was ordered to pay his ex-wife $15.3 million -- more than half his net worth -- in keeping with the couple's prenuptial agreement.
Under the agreement, Jean Strahan was entitled to 50 percent of their joint marital assets and 20 percent of his yearly income from each year they were married.

"She's grateful to the court," Jean Strahan's lawyer, Ellen Marshall, told The Associated Press on Saturday. "She looks forward to her future, raising their children and moving forward."

A call to Michael Strahan's attorney, Robert Penza, and his agent, Tony Agnone, were not immediately returned.

The NFL star had contended he wasn't responsible for the 20 percent because his wife failed to ask for it every year. But state Superior Court Judge James Convery disagreed, ruling "the plaintiff is not credible in his claim that the defendant never asked for her separate funds."

In addition to the $15.3 million, Convery awarded Jean Strahan hundreds of thousands of dollars in child support. The couple married in 1999.

"It pays to tell the truth, and I told the truth," Jean Strahan said in Saturday's New York Post. "I never asked for a penny more than the prenup that Michael and his lawyers wrote and made me sign. And all I ever asked for was that to be upheld."

Monday, January 08, 2007

4th Quarter

Hey, there's a party over here and over there, and they're serving Budweiser at both of them. I'll stay home.

They mentioned before the game that Ohio State has 3 players who are married. The propensity of football players being married has always baffled me. I mean, in college I knew a grand total of 0 married people. Actually, I think the weird 37 year old chick in my public speaking class was married, but that's it. There must be something more to this. Are the players actually way older? Are the girls only marrying them because they know they're with a meal ticket? If I were Bill Simmons, I'd be calling for a Bob Ley investigation. But I'm not, and I won't.

Wow, Troy Smith sucks. 1-8 on 3rd down, averaging 2nd an 8. The O-line is blocking terribly. OSU's punting from their end zone, and it looks like that glass football (which always seemed too fragile) is firmly entrenched in that southern cesspool of strip malls, Gainesville.

Tim Tebow is unstoppable. Everytime he gets it outside of the red zone, you know it's going to be a run up the middle, but it always goes for 4+ yards. Thom Brennaman just said, "Stripping the ball from Tebow is like stripping the ball from King Kong". I'm sure Fay Wray would appreciate that.

Touchdown King Kong. 41-14

Ohio State was undoubtebly the best team all year. Now, after not playing for 2 fucking months, they come out rusty and get blown out. Are they a victim of the system? I think so.

OSU has 84 yards of offense. They gained more than that in the first :16 of the game.

Not until 9:49 left of the 4th quarter do they mention that UF has the chance to be the first reigning football and basketball champs. Somewhere, Joakim Noa is being ugly.

Woohoo, 1st down Gators. At this point I'm rooting for the game to end so I can go home.

Florida's defense has created a "Unity Chain" which a member wears. That's cute, I guess. I think pre-school's do the same thing so they don't lose any kids.

I'm losing steam (whether or not I ever had any is debatable). I almost wrote, Urban Meyer is a stupid name". Hey loook, I just did.

Game OVAH. Jett Jackson and the Florida Gators win!

Congrats, time to go to work, and more importantly go to sleep.
3rd Quarter

Uneventul halftime.

OSU's band played "My Heart Will Go On", which is funny because their title hopes are sinking like the Titanic (Zing!).

Because I'm getting exhausted, I'll let my girlfriend chime in,
"I was a 13 yr old girl when Titantic came out and i still know it is never ok to play that song. They need to let go of that song much like Kate Winslet let go of Leonardo Dicaprio's frozen dead body".

Great opening stand for Ohio State's defense. They needed that.

Florida's Eric Wilbur tried to intentionally pooch the punt into OSU's gunners, failing miserably. OSU has great field position.

Buckeyes make a meal out of gift field position, gaining a total of -1 yards. They pinned the Gators deep, but does it matter?

Woah, apparently Blockbuster delivers like Netflix now? I haven't been inside a video store in a good 2 years. Tell me when Blockbuster puts movies up for illegal download and I'll be mildly intrigued.

Awesome PA Pass for a 1st down for the Gators. First sustained drive for either team this half.

Ginn's on crutches and in a boot. He won't return. Good to see him trying to pump the crowd up.

Did I say sustained drive? How about a 6 and out. OSU's defense looks alive. Troy Smith has looked terrible tonight, and that's a compliment.

Apparently they had a contest to let someone pick up the tee in the middle of the field after a kickoff. Uh, sweet. I should have a contest to pick someone to sweep my floor.

Another punt for THE Ohio State University.

This drive is looking to be a Buckeye killer. If this were NCAA 07, OSU would be 'Asking Corso', right about now. Only everyone knows you can only 'Ask Corso' on offense. Idiots.

Hey, Pete, who recreationally eats Taco Bell with his attractive, but not threatingly so, friends has a date with Carmen Electra. Oh my god, that's so unlikely!

Fox has only shown one commercial for that movie Primeval, which is about a serial killer alligator or something. Maybe they don't want to seem unfair and unbalanced with the Gators playing tonight and there being no upcoming movies involving the state tree of Ohio?

In the waning seconds of the 3rd quarter, OSU is still running the ball. If the game were 6 quarters, I might agree with this.
2nd Quarter

14-7 going into 2.

OSU can't do anything defensively aside from roll over. 21-7 Gators, 1 play into the second quarter

A stupid penalty is allowing OSU to get their offense rolling while Ted Ginn is sidelined. UF's cornerbacks are good enough. Factor them only paying attention to Tony Gonzalez, and it's a cakewalk.

21-14. Great run by Antonio Pittman. HUGE score.

Fox is being suprisingly judicious when it comes to commercials, especially for them. I'll have to remember this statement come MLB Playoffs this year, as we're bombarded with promos for the same show that will be cancelled in a week.

Ginn's back. Anything's possible now. Too bad he can't play defense.

Anthony Gonzalez could easily gain instant cred by referring to himself as Tony. I'm glad he doesnt, because he is clearly good enough to be singularly distinguished. Also, who'd want to be associated with a nearly washed up Tight End who does bad Scarface impressions. No one wants to hang around with the dude that does impressions, didn't you see that episode of Undeclared? Well, probably not.

Finally a stop by Ohio State. Great coverage by James Laurinaitis. His Dad is a member of the Legion Of Doom. Whichever one that isn't dead already.

Ted Ginn is apparently stomping his feet on the sideline because he's unable to play. I'm glad a man who is soon to be a multi millionaire has the same reactions as a toddler.

3 and out for OSU. Go Gators. Get 'em Gators. Get up and go (or something like that).

Hey look, Tim Tebow's running up the middle! Are they worried they will ruin his passer rating?

2 bad passes by Chris Leak have UF in a 3rd and 10 on what could be a backbreaking drive.

Now a false start pushes them back again. UF's Kicker is something obscene like 4-13 on Field Goals. This might end in tears.

Shows how much I, and everyone else knows. FG is drilled right down the middle by Hetland. 24-14. A touchdown would've been damaging the way things are going with OSU's offense.

Chris Wells is in right now at RB. Don't know if anything's happened to Pittman. He runs an option for 9 yards.

He's stopped on 4th and 1 on OSU's own 29! Tressel is coaching like he can hit the reset button if he doesn't like what's going on.

Major stand by OSU's defense. Hetland's coming on again. If he misses, Tressel's brain fart goes unpunished.

Of course, Hetland was playing rope-a-dope all season long and nails it. 27-14. Still a huge stop by the Buckeye defense. This is a must score scenario, as the Gators will start half two with the ball.

Smith fumbles and the Gators recover on the 5 yard line. Is this the first instance of the Heisman curse striking in season? At this rate he'll be exonnerated of double murder after the 3rd quarter.

Touchdown Tebow! 34-14. And UF looks really poised to take the double national championship in football and basketball.

Halftime. 34-14 Gators. OSU needs a kick in the ass and Jim Tressel doesn't look like much of a motivator but what do I know?

I'll be back.
Pregame and 1st Quarter

Hey everybody, this thing's almost ready to kick off and so am I. I'm
joined by a Diet Coke, 7 tired coworkers, a Pilgrim Sandwich, and
transcripts of Bill Simmons' last 150 running diaries. Not really.

For those of you unfamiliar with Live Blogs (Mom), here's how it'll work.
I'll separate each quarter into separate posts (and if there's an Overtime I'll finish the blog on my suicide note). Every few minutes refresh the page and there will (possibly) be a smarmy comment by me on something (hopefully) relating to the game.

A great moment in the pregame show, hosted by the wildly obnoxious Chris Rose. Rose, flanked by Emmitt Smith and Eddie George, asked who had the faster running backs, the SEC or the Big 10. George said, "The Big Ten". Smith countered by saying, "Yeah, but who's got the more durable ones?" Ouch. George playfully smacked Smith, but was probably crying inside.

Ah, the Florida Marching Band. Florida has the most obnoxious fight song ever. During a trip to Gainesville accompanying the Hofstra softball team, I was privvy to hear that over and over and over and over again. It never leaves your head.

We were treated to two packages about the team's respective quarterbacks. Heisman trophy winner Troy Smith and Florida's Chris Leak. They were both, basically, the same except Leak's was set to My Chemical Romance and Smith's to U2. I thought that was interesting, but I have no idea why.

Eddie George says it's like a home game with 75% of the crowd supporting OSU. People want to get out of Columbus, Ohio in January?! I'm shocked!

Ohio State's band is called "The Best Damn Band In The Land". Fuck that. They should let Thom Yorke dot the 'i'.

The promos for the band show the two teams climbing a ladder for the BCS crown. I think a more adequate depiction of the BCS system would show all of the teams getting on an AMTRAK train from Boston to New York and being given tickets to their destination. Oh, sorry Michigan. Did you think you were going to Penn Station? That's cute. Have fun in Norwalk, motherfucker.

(Did you like that burn, Bowl Championship Series?)

Eddie George says that for Ohio State to win they need to win the turnover battle AND not turn the ball over. Thanks, Eddie.

Looks like it's a neck and neck battle between "Alpha Dog" and "Primeval" for most promoted movie. Alpha Dog looks pretty awesome and I can't wait to see it. Primeval is a horror movie about an alligator. Rentaaaaallll.

This game is being played at The University of Phoenix Stadium. I once saw a car with a University of Phoenix sticker on the rear window. I think more collegiate games should be played in places sponsored by fake schools. C'mon Devry, make it happen. Or, what if Florida State played in the ITT Tech Bowl? Who has the better degree?

Where is Colonel Bud Day? Have you seen him?

Remember for the 2008 election, Floridians, John McCain won you the coin toss.

Ted Ginn scored on the opening kickoff of the game. Holy shit! Finally after 2 seaons worth of Ginn fluffing he does something insanely exciting at an important moment.

Chris Leak looks like "The Famous Jett Jackson" of Disney Channel fame. Yeah, I went there.

Tim Tebow rules. Every video game portrayal of myself I've ever created has unknowingly been a duplicate of Tebow. Speaking of video games, in last nights MSU-Mich. battle in NCAA 07, I let up a kickoff for a TD to Michigan and lost 48-21. Auspicious for the Gators.

Maybe not! Chris Leak threw a lob into a soft zone for a TD. 7-7!

Well, there's going to be some defense played after all. That's nice. 3 and out for the first OSU drive. UF should have really good field position.

OSU's defense looks really rusty. Maybe the 50+ days off affected them.

Touchdown on an option. UF's rushing game was non existent this season and they've been able to gash OSU pretty well everytime they've tried.

Another good return, this one by Anthony Tony Gonzalez. OSU needs a solid drive here. Not necessarily a TD. But their D has looked terrible and can't give up good field position.

Not a good sequence of events for either team. Ted Ginn is walking to the locker room with a foot injury, Smith got sacked for a major loss, now UF's Harvey is down.

Troy Smith throws a pick to Reggie Lewis on 3rd and 14. Wow. OSU looks terrible, special teams notwithstanding.
If You Live Blog In The Woods....

I'll be live blogging on the Tostitos BCS National Championship Game between Ohio State and Florida because we only have a 1/2 hour show tonight, and will be going on very late (read: after the Tostitos BCS National Championship Game between Ohio State and Florida). Pending any mill fires, I'll have all night to kill so why the fuck not?

Ohio State is particularly ferocious on all fronts, but haven't played in 50 days (?!!). Florida's Tim Tebow is who the video game version of myself strives to be.

What does this mean? Who knows, but we'll soon find out.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Boston Bruins Mustache Project 2007 (And Hopefully Forever) Is Trimmed (get it?)

After I promised to bring you all the relevant info for the BBMP2k7, the Bruins cancel it following a 10-2 drubbing by the Toronto Maple Leafs. It's almost as if the the Bruins inherently understood my work ethic and knew I would be stoked by the development. Not so.

Shaving the 'stashes seemed to have worked, whether it meant no more snickering from the opponents, or making them more aerodynamic, the B's beat the Flyers 4-3 yesterday afternoon. The only person who seemed to be negatively affected by the shave was iron man Zdeno Chara who was out with a "lower body injury". This is a typical designation for a hockey injury, but when you're lower body is about 25' long, it's literal. They have yet to find the injury. They know it's down there, though.

And now, I will continue talking shit to Jets fans.

Friday, January 05, 2007

A Portrait In Scenesterocity

I'm coming off what I, and others, have dubbed Jeff's Scenester Summer 2006.

The reason being that this summer (based on my parameters of late May to mid September)I attended shows by (based on order of appearance) Wolfmother, We Are Scientists, Arctic Monkeys, Radiohead (twice), Bloc Party, Editors, Phil Lesh and Friends, and the Austin City Limits Music Festival featuring bands like The New Pornographers, Muse, The Secret Machines, The Flaming Lips, and The Raconteurs). (On a scenester-ness, the list would probably read; Arctic Monkeys, Radiohead, ACL, Editors, Bloc Party, Wolfmother, We Are Scientists, Phil Lesh & Friends).

The reason why I'm mentioning this, is because this morning I was able to take that scenestertasticness, and beat it by eightfold. This January morning, I was able to score Arcade Fire tickets.

This band is really, really, really good. Just check out this issue of Canadian Time Magazine (which I suppose is like reading Sports Illustrated For Kids).

I've been waiting for another opportunity to see this band after their performance at 2005's Austin City Limits Festival. An insane live show that prompted Coldplay's lead singer Chris Martin to call them, "the greatest band in history" and then say that, "after watching The Arcade Fire play we realized we should quit because we'll never be as good".

So, this band has the power to be called great AND, more importantly, cause post-Parachutes Coldplay to stop making music! Wow.

+6 Scenester points.

But what will make this experience more unique is that so far they've scheduled 15 winter dates across the world. 5 in random places in London, 5 at the Ukranian National Federation in Montreal, and 5 at a small church in New York City.

I happen to be one of the lucky few to get tickets to the the NYC show at Judson Memorial Church.

On Valentine's Day.

+ infiniti Scenester points.

Sorry, for sounding braggadocious, I'm just wicked excited.

Here are a few of my favorite Arcade Fire Clips:

Check out William Butler and Richard Parry (percussionists[sometimes]) beat the shit out of eachother:

And a great stage show:

Sharon Stone. What a douchebag. David Bowie. The man

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Who Wants A Mustache Ride?

Sometimes things just come together in a way better than expected making for a
(insert your own descriptive word) blog post (frankly I'm happy to have
something to write about it general).

Today's coincidences came in three. A mighty triumvirate not seen since Mark, Tom, and Travis.

1. I'm at work, meaning I'll have a lot of time to kill pending no spike in car accidents or fires.
2. The Bruins are on tonight, meaning I'll have perfect fodder for said blog post.
3. I got a fantastic fan tip.

right fan tip. And while I may be using this word
judiciously (I am) and the word fan may have never actually appeared in
this particular piece of correspondence (it didn't), I feel OK using
it. That's because Evan sent along a nice tidbit of info and mentioned
he enjoyed reading. This isnoteworthy because as far as I know, Evan is
not a member of my family or my girlfriend so, pending DNA tests, I
will refer to Evan as my fan.

The info he passed along happened
to involve my second favorite hockey team, the
Boston Bruins District Five Ducks for life!. It was
a link to John Bishop's official Boston Bruins Blog (which I would very
much like to work for sometime, because I too have a propensity for
using big words [see!], and am a huge Bruins apologist). It reads:

Mustache Mania
TheBruins have an important internal contest brewing, or should I say
growing.They are all, for some reason, growing mustaches -- per order
of team unity man Shean Donovan.

No beards, no goatees, no soul-patch. Mustaches.

And despite a few gripes and shaves here and there, everyone is doing it.
SO, there has been a request that I join in -- which I will oblige.
Sorry to my wife, family and friends.

But the second request is where, you, the reader helps out.
Over the next few games, make notes as to which Bruins have the best and
worst lip hair. And continue to pay attention to the guys' faces over
the next week or so, and I will have a poll up to the positive and the
negative before the All-Star break.

So keep it hair

I dig some digging and found out the mustache growing contest will run until January 22nd (and hopefully forever). The contest officially started on December 26th in Columbus, but we won't count that, because no one knew, so consider it started today, January 4th.

Now, I'm a huge proponent
of the 'stash
and I'm making it my duty to give you updates
on the Boston Bruins Mustache Project 2007 (and hopefully forever).

style="font-weight:bold;">Boston Bruins Mustache Project 2007 (and
hopefully forever) Report: 1/4/07 vs Toronto

Day 1 of the BBMP2k7
looked to start off on the right foot (or skate [or discarded bottle of
Burma Shave]). No one was notably different in the infant stages of the
project. Glen Murray and WaynePrimeau probably had the best early on lip growth, Stanislav Chistov
kind of looked liked the gay
in Traffic, and Dave Lewis still looks like he
supports national

The first period was great and featured 1 goal by BBMP2k7 leader Shean Donovan, and
a goal and assist apiece by early on favorite for dirtiest 'stash Wayne Primeau. The B's led 2-1.

Then the shit hit the fan.

At this writing it's 10-2 Maple Leafs with 4 minutes left in the 3rd period. Chistov, who's by no means a tough guy (it must be the 'stash).

Did I say I wanted this thing to last forever?

They better get things corrected before they taint the fine art mustaches worse than Tom Selleck ever dreamed he could.

Anyway, stay tuned.

YouTube Clip Of The Day

This guy could rock a 'stash

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Catching Up With Everyone's Favorite Mighty Duck

It's always good to see superior child athletes go on to make it in the major leagues of their sports. Like lovable chubby Sean Burroughs dominating the Little League World Series for Long Beach, California, then plying his trade in the bigs and sucking for both the Padres and Devil Rays, all the while, submarining fantasy baseball teams who surreptitiously held on to him, believing he'd someday be a slugging superstar.

You may think that this is a bad example, but it's not.

Rarely do we see the Lebron example, and the Burroughs effect is much more common.

A similar plight has taken to former Team USA and Eden Hall Warriors Mighty Ducks JV/Varsity backstop, Julie "The Cat" Gaffney.

You may remember Gaffney as the star goaltender from Bangor, Maine who joined Team USA as they headed off to the Junior Goodwill Games in Los Angeles. Unbeknownst to her, she would have to platoon most of the time with Greg Goldberg, often solely acting as his backup. That never stopped Julie and she continued to work hard which was noted by her coach, and she was chosen to face Iceland's lethal Gunnar "You Lost It For Yourself" Stahl in a penalty shot, easily stopping him with some great glovework.

Gaffney's hard work never ceased and it earned her the #1 goalie position for the Eden Hall Junior Varsity Team. Despite a questionable nutritional program suggested by Goldberg, Gaffney's play was stellar, helping her team defeat the mighty varsity squadron, and winning the affection of their goalie Gunnar Stahl who, in a Bourne Supremacy-esque sideplot, woke up in Minnesota one day with amnesia, an American accent, short black hair, and the desire to play goaltender Scooter.

Most of her teammates moved away from hockey, doing everything from Summer Camp Counseling to joining secret societies with Paul Walker. But not Julie, she stuck with hockey, eventually being drafted by the Boston Bruins.

Unfortunately, she was once again stuck to platoon this time with the likes of Tim Thomas. Her confidence, clearly shaken big time, caused her to get lit up in the rare instances she got to play, and after an attrocious 5-0 loss to the hands of the Nashville Predators, she was sent down to the American Hockey League's Providence Bruins. Noone seems to know what caused Gaffney's plight.

Me? I'd check to see if somehow Greg Goldberg has managed to get a job with the Bruins Strength and Conditioning department.

YouTube Clip Of The Day

It's a hellspawn mixture of the bones of fornicators and the sinews of thieves and gluttons...... actually, no, it's a Fender

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

We Need Girlfriends: Episode Three: Myspace

Happy New Year's everyone.

My New Years was fun and featured seeing two rarities in life.

A cabless New York City.

A rest stop McDonalds that ran out of ketchup

Talk about a mindblowing way to start off your 2007. What's next? A We Need Girlfriends episode that sucks? Nope.

Here's the new, per usual awesome one, about a subject near and dear to everyone's hearts. Myspace.