Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Going Bald Is The New Growing Your Hair Out

Note: This post previously ran on a blog that noone read, so consider this akin to me moving a fallen tree that noone heard fall, into the middle of Manhattan (and also, I'l be away until Friday, so I probably won't update, anyways.End Note

I could kick Steve Prefontaine’s ass in a race.

I’m talking about the alive version of Steve Prefontaine not the hit-by-car dead version of Pre.

Don’t believe me? Check out the tale of the tape:

Steve Prefontaine

Age: 24 (for eternity)
Skills: Running
Trademark: Floppy Hair
Memorable Quote: “The best pace is a suicide pace, and today's a good day to die"


Age: 24 (for 7 more months
Skills: Blogging
Trademark: Male-pattern baldness
Memorable Quote: "I will kick Steve Prefontaine's ass in a race"

Not impressed? Psht. Picture this scenario:

Fair-haired Steve Prefontaine cruising along the track, thinking about how many beers he chug before driving home after he wins the race. But what the floppily-coifed jogger doesn’t realize is that his hair is holding him back, via a little term Lord Rayleigh and I like to call ‘drag’. And if you’re still not sure, check out these two diagrams that I don’t understand.

And while all this is going on, I’ll be cruising by him, as my impossible-to-be-windswept head is unfazed by ‘drag’. That’s right everyone, going bald fucking rules.

I predict that losing your hair will be the hottest thing in years. Move over popped collars, viral videos, and extra-long t-shirts because pretty soon all the kids will be rocking receding hairlines.

Don’t doubt it. Forget about being able to beat deceased runners in a footrace, the other benefits are tremendous.

First, are you sick of constantly buying shampoo, conditioner, hair wax, hair glue, hair spray, and hair gel? No? Well then back to Jersey with you. But, if you are, consider going bald. Throw away all that gel and glue (or give it to Steve) and prepare yourself for having the same bottle of shampoo for about 18 months! Seriously!

Also, you know when you’re at a pro sporting event and the announcer tells everyone to remove their hats for the national anthem followed by thousands of dudes fixing their hair? When you’ve got no hair, you don’t need to worry about that. While the dude next to you is re-adjusting his moptop, you’re double-fisting and wondering whether you should yell “Yankees Suck” after ‘banner yet wave’ or ‘land of the free’.

Still not enough? This must be tough to get through that flattop. How about this? With that lack of hair, imagine all of those awesome photo opportunities you’ll get on roller coasters. You’re look of sheer terror/delight won’t be blocked by stray hair, and you’ll have enough quality photos to fill up all of the frames you can imagine. Fuck Olan Mills. Go to 6 Flags.

Now you’re probably starting to shave your head after such a convincing argument, and I don’t blame you. But if there is some reason you haven’t been swayed yet, then I’d like to hear why.

YouTube Clip Of The Day
My Personal Halloween Mystery: A Cautionary Tale

Happy Halloween, everyone.

First off, kudos to my ex-roomate Steve who actually went to a Halloween party dressed as John Mark Karr Fantastic work by him (and Ryan and Julie as well, who by my account had some pretty kickass costumes. You may remember that I recommended JMK as a costume a few weeks ago. The amazing part, is that Steve never even read the blog and was ballsy and asshole-ish enough to pull it off and even extrapolate with the eye-shadow (no bloody tiara, though).

And if you think that's insensitive, get a grip and grow up. Then again, that's coming from someone who owns this t-shirt.


The whole premise of this post is to share a Halloween tale to ensure the safety of you and yours during Halloween (and make a sweet segue into the real purpose of this thread, but that's not til later, so bear with me)

The scene was Halloween 2002, the setting, Hofstra University's Nassau Hall, the notorious sweet 112. Ever since my freshmen year, when I lived in Nassau, I always loved 112 parties. I like to say I played an integral part in them, going on Beer Runs, helping with the setup, manning the Polaroid camera, who's results were wallpapered around the suite. All incarnations of 112 parties were kickass (one could argue that they were better than any party thrown by R&B group 112) whether it was a Mardi Gras Party, New Year's Party, End Of The World Party, Holiday Party and ESPECIALLY Halloween Party.

Brian, Angel, and Steve were the proprietors of said Suite 112 and they never disappointed. The party started off typically, I showed up with some extra goodies (in the form of 100 proof Southern Comfort) and we all started to get our party on . Brian - (not pictured) makes a very strong punch, featuring Devil's Springs 160 Proof Vodka. And, understandably, the night got a little hazy.

The next thing I know, I was in my bed and my thought process went like this:
"That was a fucking kickass party!"
"I was there for awhile, I left pretty late"
"When did I leave?"
"Oh my god, I have no recollection of how I got in my bed"
I was freaking out, and I was a little pissed, too. I realized I would have to trek across campus to retrieve my ID (which you have to leave at the security desk when you enter a dorm that isn't yours). Turns out, my ID was in my pocket! Somehow I was cognitive enough to get it back from the security booth.

But still, I needed answers, so I headed to our traditional "Recap Breakfast" with the guys and some other partygoers, where we go through Polaroids and share crazy tales. Hopefully someone knew what happened to me. Unfortunately, the first thing I heard when I got to the Student Center Cafe was, "Dude, Jeff where did you go?!"

For the next 45 minutes we speculated about my missing hours. Did I go on some sort of adventure? Perhaps I cured cancer? There was no bounds to what could have happened to me on that fateful Halloween eve. And we may never know.

But, only recently did this picture surface, which can hopefully give us some insight on my night. A picture which Steve has dubbed the Zapruder film of our college years. And , if you notice, I'm looking back and to the left.... back and to the left... back and to the left...

Anyways, here's the aformentioned sweet Segue!....

Brian, Angel, and Steve not only throw a killer, party but they also run a kickass movie company called Ragtag Films .

Ragtag is branching outwith something new, and it's sure to be award winning and hilarious as is everything else they do.

Tonight, at midnight, Ragtag Films is premiering their new web series "We Need Girlfriends". By all accounts, the pilot is kick ass.

So make sure, tonight, at 12:01, you head over to to the WNG website and watch it!!!!!!

YouTube Clip Of The Day

Cancelled so you can watch We Need Girlfriends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1