Monday, October 09, 2006

Pretentious Blog Thread Title

I was thinking about robbing my apartment today.

Not really for the insurance purposes. Moreso to teach a lesson, J. Walter Weatherman style. Tonight I came from work at a very, very late hour (think Colbert Report repeats and Girls Gone Wild commercials) to find my front door wide open and everyone asleep inside. Now, I'm accustomed to my front door to never be locked when I come home, but having it wide open was a new one.

I'm pretty passive agressive, so I was thinking of leaving a note on the door along the lines of, "Lock before you walk" OR "Lock Me, Amadaeus" but I couldnt find any tape. Or paper. Instead I decided that I would just steal fucking everything. How awesome of a surprise would that be for my roomates to wake up to?

Of course I decided against it. I'm a pretty lazy dude and it seemed like alot of work, plus it sounded like a pretty insane exagerrated way to react.

Speaking of insane exagerrations....

I was cruising for all my latest interpretations on the celebrity life by a flaming gay man, who is neither a celebrity or a Hilton (and whose name always reminds me of Pez) only to find this:

"One of the NY Daily News's gossip scribes, Lloyd Grove announced in his column today that he is leaving the paper.

For his parting words, the columnist wrote:

Let's make it short and sweet -- and, most of all, unsnarky. This is my final Lowdown column for The Daily News. For the past three years, I've been privileged to work with top-notch journalists and generous colleagues at a great newspaper. I'll miss it -- and them. I'm almost, but not quite, ready to tell you about the next gig, which I expect will be as fun and interesting as this one has been. Here's hoping you'll check it out."

The glaringly insane hyperbole being, "I've been privileged to work with top-notch journalists". First of all, you work at the NY Daily News. C'mon dude, stop living a lie. Second of all, GOSSIP COLUMNISTS ARE NOT JOURNALISTS. These self gratifying elbow rubbers piss me off to no end. It takes zero literary skills to become a gossip writer (OK, you need to know how to alliterate and possibly rhyme). In fact you don't even need to know or be around any celebrities to post a gossip column (My ex-roomate Ryan wrote the greatest gossip column for our old blog and he's never even met Ayla Brown OR Al Jefferson)

Anyways, I'm ending my rant, and moving on with a few issues.

Issue #1

I was recently alerted to a fantastic 'Craigslist Missed Connection' posting by old friend Lauren C. who claimed that this post was "ridiculous and kind of insulting, and needed to be shared with someone".

Here it is:
"Hi- I guess here a lot of people would call you a bbw. You were a tall Blonde VERY pretty english Girl, about a size 14 dress and a little belly. I was sitting down and you were standing with some frieds.. You are so hot.... you are a natural blonde at leat 5' 9" and look like a bit of a viking.. "

I did find that both ridiculous AND insulting, but more importantly I found the woman this man was talking about:So, friends, I have a gift that I would like to share with you. I am hereby offering to find any Craigslist Missed Connection for you. Just email me the link to the Craigslist posting and I will do my darndest to find that person. In fact, I think I'll start a daily weekly segment called "CraigsList Missed Connection of the Week (- Brought to you by Cingular)"

Issue #2

I was recently told that, "your blog is the funniest blog i've ever read" by good pal Gunshot Clark (I'm taking it with a grain of salt because the only other blog Gunshot reads is the Huffington Post). But, it got me thinking. I am such a blatant attention whore and I have no idea if anyone reads this blog other than my Mom. And since I can't figure out how to add a site tracker, I would love comments from everyone on every post. If you want to keep your identity hidden, that's fine. All I'm asking is for you to boost my self esteem. Thanks, in advance.

Google/YouTube Clip of the Day:

Ladies and gentlemen, the completely insane Pete(y) Doherty!

Also, if you'd like to pass on awesome YouTube Clips, email me!


Oh you know who I am said...

What no credit for the youtube selection? Staying true to your attention whorish ways and taking all the credit. Typical...

Jeff said...

And of course a special thanks to Katelyn who procured today's YouTube clip and is a general wealth of knowledge when it comes to Pete Doherty.

Matt said...

This is still my favorite Craigslist missed connection:

"You were walking out of the library, and when you turned, i was thrown back by your missing eye...and i kind of gasped/jumped...but the rest of you is gorgeous.... I hope i didn't freak you out!"

ryan said...

Life in the Fast Lane: Update!!

Celtics pre-season basketball kicks off tonight, and fans are anxious to get their first glimpse at the now svelte "Big" Al Jefferson. Al lost 30 lbs over the summer due to eating better and working out more, or so he claims. Our moles hear the actual cause of his weight loss: Jefferson lost his somebody to love!
Don't move on up out of your seat, faithful reader -- sit down, Rondo -- at this news, as rumors had been circulating about Al's torrid love affair with former Sex and the City siren Kristen Davis, which was broken up by a pass from his new point guard! I know what you're thinking: Jefferson, Davis? Well, let me tell you the fair details.
Apparently Davis was in the area filming a movie. The crew was BBQing one night, and Jefferson, walking by, asked if he could join them. One thing led to another, and the C's big man soon was sharing some serious puppy love with the Shaggy Dog star. However, things turned crabby when Al introduced his lady love to new teammate Sebastian Telfair, and Davis's looks hooked Bassy!
Despondent, Big Al secluded himself over the summer and even stopped eating! Finally, buoyed by the support of teammate Kendrick Perkins, who had a tryst with American Idol and Nonantum Carvial star Ayla Brown, broken up in a similar fashion, Al broke out of his funk and hit the weights with renewed vigor. Will the results show up on the court this year? Only time will tell.
Until then, I'm Ryan Lane, reminding you that you don't have to tune into ABC family to see beautiful people.

Anonymous said...

::boosts self esteem::

s1monn said...

Best. Blog. Ever.