Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Going Bald Is The New Growing Your Hair Out

Note: This post previously ran on a blog that noone read, so consider this akin to me moving a fallen tree that noone heard fall, into the middle of Manhattan (and also, I'l be away until Friday, so I probably won't update, anyways.End Note

I could kick Steve Prefontaine’s ass in a race.

I’m talking about the alive version of Steve Prefontaine not the hit-by-car dead version of Pre.

Don’t believe me? Check out the tale of the tape:

Steve Prefontaine

Age: 24 (for eternity)
Skills: Running
Trademark: Floppy Hair
Memorable Quote: “The best pace is a suicide pace, and today's a good day to die"

Jeff

Age: 24 (for 7 more months
Skills: Blogging
Trademark: Male-pattern baldness
Memorable Quote: "I will kick Steve Prefontaine's ass in a race"

Not impressed? Psht. Picture this scenario:

Fair-haired Steve Prefontaine cruising along the track, thinking about how many beers he chug before driving home after he wins the race. But what the floppily-coifed jogger doesn’t realize is that his hair is holding him back, via a little term Lord Rayleigh and I like to call ‘drag’. And if you’re still not sure, check out these two diagrams that I don’t understand.

And while all this is going on, I’ll be cruising by him, as my impossible-to-be-windswept head is unfazed by ‘drag’. That’s right everyone, going bald fucking rules.

I predict that losing your hair will be the hottest thing in years. Move over popped collars, viral videos, and extra-long t-shirts because pretty soon all the kids will be rocking receding hairlines.

Don’t doubt it. Forget about being able to beat deceased runners in a footrace, the other benefits are tremendous.

First, are you sick of constantly buying shampoo, conditioner, hair wax, hair glue, hair spray, and hair gel? No? Well then back to Jersey with you. But, if you are, consider going bald. Throw away all that gel and glue (or give it to Steve) and prepare yourself for having the same bottle of shampoo for about 18 months! Seriously!

Also, you know when you’re at a pro sporting event and the announcer tells everyone to remove their hats for the national anthem followed by thousands of dudes fixing their hair? When you’ve got no hair, you don’t need to worry about that. While the dude next to you is re-adjusting his moptop, you’re double-fisting and wondering whether you should yell “Yankees Suck” after ‘banner yet wave’ or ‘land of the free’.

Still not enough? This must be tough to get through that flattop. How about this? With that lack of hair, imagine all of those awesome photo opportunities you’ll get on roller coasters. You’re look of sheer terror/delight won’t be blocked by stray hair, and you’ll have enough quality photos to fill up all of the frames you can imagine. Fuck Olan Mills. Go to 6 Flags.

Now you’re probably starting to shave your head after such a convincing argument, and I don’t blame you. But if there is some reason you haven’t been swayed yet, then I’d like to hear why.

YouTube Clip Of The Day

7 comments:

Matt said...

If you're going to throw science in your blog, at least get it write. Your second "diagram" is an equation.

Matt said...

Note: I do know how to spell. That should say "right" and not "write".

ryan said...

It's "no one," two words, not "noone." Doesn't this bother anyone else? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills??!!

moishe barton said...

Brown honors Red.

Ayla sings the national anthem for the C's home opener last night.

Next week I'll tell you who's home she opened herself to after the game, and what tune he had her singing!

dave chaves said...

Ryan, it really bothers me as well. But you know what really pisses me off?! How he always types a lot 'alot.' It should be separated, ass! Alot?! NO! A LOT! It's not rocket science:

A lot (two words) is an informal phrase meaning "many." It can take an adjective, for example, "a sizeable lot."

Example: Jeff did not need a lot of gel for his hair.

Allot means "to distribute between or among." It has the same root as lottery.

Example: He allotted three dollars to anyone who would comment on his sad blog.

Alot does not exist as a word.

Not only that, many people discourage the use of 'a lot'! Stop using 'alot' a lot!

Jeff said...

I accepted the comment from Matt until he completely blew it by writing "write" instead of "right".

I'll always honor Lane because he's actually a copy editor (even though I like writing noone as one word).

But Chaves, you have a lot of nerve? What's the matter? Was the line at the unemployment office short enough so you could come back early and copy edit the blog? I've had 24 hour flus that have been longer than half of your work experience. Are you the only person on the planet who's resume is listed in minutes and seconds instead of years and months?
:end rant:

ryan said...

Chaves, we're looking for copyeditors, maybe you have what it takes...