Monday, October 30, 2006

I'm Thinking Of Packing Heat

I don't feel safe in my home anymore.

Thankfully, the door to our apartment remains locked (though I really still want to hang a Lock Me, Amadaeus sign) because we're really going to need it. Our days of hosting classy parties, wine tastings, and book readings are over.

Newton is no longer the safest city in America and I can sense the mood changing in Garden City already.

When I went to take my morning shower, I couldn't! It turns out someone was using our bathtub to make moonshine. Downstairs, our dining room had been turned into a sweatshop where 8 year olds busily made Nikes. And, in the basement, our sweatshop had been turned into a meth lab. Where would it end?

I needed out.

I drove to the grocery store and had to dodge fires set in the middle of the streets, looters were raiding Dunkin Donuts' left and right, and I'm pretty sure I accidentally solicited a prostitute.

Our world has flipped on it's head.

What was once the safest city in America, plummetting through the depths of danger, finally landing to the #4 safest city in America.

Just doesn't have the same ring to it:(

Figures, all this happening after my most dangerous roomate moved out. You know, the one that liked to rip down trees with Jettas.

I actually have to give props to Steve, though, for going to a Halloween Party AS John Mark Karr. That's pretty fucking badass. If being a gay pedophile is badass, I mean.

Speaking of congratulating....

I'm never one to miss an opportunity to give myself credit... so check this out!

I'm a religious reader of the UniWatch Blog, which bills itself as "The Obsessive Study Of Athletics Aesthetics". In layman's terms, we notice every little nitty gritty uniform detail.


Check out the third paragraph of today's column!!!!. You know you love those MS Paint skills.

YouTube Clip Of The Day

You CAN'T say that. This was way worse than what Steve Lyons got fired for.

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