Thursday, November 16, 2006

I Transcribe The Greatest Moment in Conan O'Brien History

It's no secret that I'm a Conan fan. I'll take him over any other late night host in the game. I can trace my adoration for Conan back to 1998, when the single best late night talk show appearance of all time transpired. It is so awesome that I found the mp3 of a recording on Napster, like, the second week I moved into college. I have it burned onto CD, and now I have it on my iPod. I can't for the life of me find video of it, as NBC is as afraid of the internet as Fox 25, so, for you, the loyal viewing public, I shall transcribe the single greatest moment in Conan history.

The Players: Conan O'Brien, Courtney Thorne-Smith, Norm Macdonald, Carrot Top (by proxy), Horrified Audience (not pictured)

The scene: Conan is interviewing Cournety Thorne-Smith. She is the second guest of the program, Norm being the first. He stays on the couch in between Andy Richter and Courtney Thorne-Smith for the interview. Hilarity ensues:

Conan: I want to talk to you about something, because this came up earlier accidentally, because I don't know what Norm's going to talk about, and it's best that I don't know what he will talk about, but he mentioned Carrot Top. You are making a movie with Carrot Top?

Courney Thorne-Smith:
Made a movie with Carrot Top

Conan: OK, you made a movie with Carrot Top, it's not out yet. Can you put the picture of Carrot Top up again? There he is.

Wait a minute, she left Melrose Place to do a movie with Carrot Top?!

(audience laughs, nervously)

That's where I'm going my friend. This begs the question, why a movie with Carrot Top?

CTS: He was great, he did a wonderful job.

There's a scene where you two embrace?

CTS: Yup, lots of making out

Conan: Oh, for god's sake.

Nothing but making out. It's like 9 1/2 Weeks, but with Carrot Top.

Conan: (laughing) Wow, I gotta check out that movie!

Norm: Is it called 9 1/2 seconds?

(audience laughs)
(long pause)

Norm: Well, because he's a premature ejaculator.

(audience, Courtney, and Andy all laugh somewhat appalled)

Conan: You know what happened? He said 9 1/2 seconds and I'm look at him, because, I know there's more. Then i wait and wait, and see th glimmer in your eye and bang.....I thought you were going with crackwhore, though.

So what's the movie going to be called?

Norm: I know what it's going to be called

Conan: Yeah, Norm, what's that?

Norm: If it's got Carrot Top you know what a good name for it would be?

Conan: What's that, Norm?

Norm: Box Office poision.

(audience reacts with laughter mixed with horror)

CTS: C'mon, I'm in it, too!

Conan: She's in it.

CTS: What about my career?

Conan: Courtney Thorne-Smith, the woman sitting to your left is in the movie!

I'm gonna go see it.....for Courtney.

CTS: (near tears) After you steer everyone else away?!

Norm: No, I love this girl. I would see any movie with this girl in it. She's a beautiful lady and a talented, show guest.

Conan: As evidenced by her appearance on our rival show!

Alright, so there's this two hour season finale of Melrose Place, there's this movie coming out. Title undetermined at this point.

CTS: Chairman of the Board.

Conan: Ohhh, alright. (To Norm) Do something with that, ya freak.

(audience laughs, and Conan tries to end interview)

Norm: (interrupting) I bet the board is spelled B-O-R-E-D

(20 seconds of laughter, noone can get out a word)

Conan: Alright everybody, that's pretty much our show.

YouTube Clip Of The Day

I hope Sheffield doesn't do this to Matsuzaka


steve said...

Hey man, that video with Norm on Conan is in my collection of Norm MacDonald videos. I will have it available on my webpage again in the next few weeks, but if you can't wait that long you can get in touch with me and I can send it to you over AIM. It's like 40mb.

editor@steven TAKE THIS OUT

jay said...

Forget "Late Night" history, it's one of the best moments in all of (lowercase) late night history.

B. Geiler said...

that's one of my favorite japanese baseball clips. Let's not forget that Tony Batista (the batter with the whacko stance) eventually came back to the states to play for the Twins and do absolutely nothing.

Matthew said...

Fantastic times, listening to the Norm Macdonald clip (along with other assorted comedy CDs) while driving to Montreal.

The Crisco Kid said...

You made a ton of errors transcribing that.

Example: It's "after you SCARE them away", not STEER them away.

Jeff said...

Damn. What was I thinking 5 years ago?