Fantasy sports are a multi-million dollar industry. People take them seriously, very seriously. With high stakes money involved, people start prepping their draft strategy months in advance.
Unfortunately, one of the more key aspects of running a fantasy team is sometimes left on the back burner. I'm talking about your team's name, of course. While you're wondering whether or not Ike Hilliard can still run a post pattern with one foot in the grave, you've carelessly become the 79,456th person on the planet to name their team, Just Give Me The Ring (or some other approximation)
So, friends lacking in creativity, I have teamed together with a few of my pals to form a Fantasy Team Name Consulting Agency. We're well qualified and I'll prove it to you.
Our pedigree is strong. It all came from ex-roomate Ryan's fantasy leagues. He forced us to raise the bar, and that's why he's the charter member of the agency (which ironically, doesn't have a clever name). Ryan has always chosen an insanely obscure, obscure Simpsons quote to turn into a team name. It's a harder task than it seems considering the character limit.
The beginning was tough, but we started to get our act together last spring for our baseball league. The Steve Brogan Experience (a fantastic name in itself, based on an obscure SNL reference) featured some good names. We had Snakes On A Team, Evil Shenanigans, Can I Borrow A Feeling, and Jeters Always Propser.
All pretty good stuff, but then came the real test, a weekly trivia bout at Tommy Doyle's, a bar down the street. We were facing off against teams called The Mathletes and Bell's Palsy, so we felt we needed to dominate all facets of the trivia experience, game and name included. The naming rules were simple, every week one team member would choose an obscure/amazing movie/TV character to be put in the following blank: The ___________ Experience. The name was then either accepted or vetoed by the following team. Here are some highlights.
The Chim Richalds Experience: Aw, it's always cute to reflect on your first try...or whatever. This one came from Steve. Chim Richalds is what we named his one man band after months of listening to his off-key, piano induced rendition of Coldplay songs. Chim of course, goes far deeper than this. You may me remember it was the name of the doctor Ron Burgundy pretended to be when telling Veronica Corningstone, "she got knocked up". Who knows, maybe next time we'll be Mike Rithjin...from the network... we'll pick you up....in a van.
The Stan Darsh Experience: My first naming experience. What may seem like a mispelling of one of the better South Park characters, Stan Marsh, is actually a tribute to one of the top 5 South Park episodes of all time, "Asspen". I love this episode as my girlfriend will attest for my wanting to watch it at the weirdest of times. Asspen is an 80's take-off (featuring Take On Me!), that also features amaing lines of dialogue like, "Stan Marsh? More like Stan Darsh"
The Steve Holt Experience: Not the most obscure character, but the most fun. The greatest television chracter in history's illegitimate son (G.O.B. from Arrested Development, if you're out of the loop)prompted full on "STEVE HOLT" overhanded fist pumps from the Experience after correct answers (which there were many).
And those many correct answers by the Experience actually prompted other teams not to show up any longer as they had no chances of winning. Since the initial Tommy Doyle's run of '05-06 we've dispersed, but when we get together for a trivia game, a great name is usually spawned. Some notable inclusions:
The Bruce Dickinson Experience: SNL - We put on our pants one leg at a time, only when we do it, we dominate trivia tournaments.
The Chubbs Peterson Experience: Happy Gilmore - Trivia tournament down in Florida. I hooked my ball in the rough down by the lake. Damned alligator just POPPED up, cut me down on my prime. He got me, but I tore one of the bastard's eyes out though. Look at that.
The Bob Ghenghis Khan Experience: - Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure - Frankly, we wouldve preferred the Socrates Johnson Experience, but no one could mis-pronounce it correctly enough.
The Johannes Chimpo Experience: Super Troopers - This is what the German guy called Johnny Chimpo from that Afghanistanimation. Back in the cell with your beautiful wife.
Since I've, predictably, gone off topic and gotten a bit long winded, I should get back on point. Naming our trivia teams has prepared the crew and I for, what I think, is our greatest collective team naming in awhile for the football season.
First off, the league's named the Hot Hands Hanon Experience, which a tribute to The Little Giants. Apparently the I Call This Play, The Annexation of Puerto Rico Experience was taken.
My brother started off nicely with Smart Tech, an homage to where the boys in The 40 Year Old Virgin work. Not entirely mind blowing, but a solid name.
Ryan's Kentucky Fried Panda Squadron is another vague Simpson's reference, and at this point, he could be fucking with us, and it may not even be a Simpson's reference. Whatever. I'll grandfather him into having a great name.
I kept it simple and nostalgic with the Gunnar Stahl Experience, which gave me a chance to keep "You lost it for yourself" as my perma-Smack Talk.
My buddy Davis' name is the Jaywalkers. This is a reference to a deleted scene in Old School where Vince Vaughn tells Luke Wilson to relax because, "Statutory rape is like the jaywalking of sex crimes." I don't want to give too much away, because Davis is still in possession of my Patriots tickets and I'd hate to see him incarcerated before we got to the game. But, it's an amazing story I'd be happy to share in person (and once the statute of limitations runs out, just kidding). Just trust me that this is a fantastic name in which he should be free to use for all fantasy sporting events for the rest of his life.
But the coup de gras goes to Chaves. This year he brought his naming to another level, unfortunately he still sucks at fantasy sports. Cocked In Rhode Island is a measly 3-7. The name, however, is beyond fucking awesome. A reference to the movie Outside Providence and perhaps one of the funniest movie scenes in history, when the following letter is read aloud:
What's happening? I got your letter today. Cornhole Academy sounds like it really sucks the big one. I can't believe they make everyone work a lot and not smoke. You should tell that piece of shit Funderturd to shove it. You didn't want to go there in the first place. He'd shit man. Today you should have seen me and Mousy today at school today. We got cocked on a pint of Blackberry brandy and ate some T.H.C. on the bus. We were fucked. This teacher, Mr. Rivera, goes -- "What's wrong with you Delaney?" I go, "I'm totally fucked, man!" Everybody laughed like a bastard. Oh man, you should - You should see this song I'm listenin' to, man. It's called, "Don't Bogart That Joint, My Friend." I think it's by a group called --
This is a couple of hours later. Must have nodded out, man. I gotta go, cause I probably definately gonna nod out again. You want me to send you some Squeef, or you got enough? Good luck not getting caught.
Cocked in Rhode Island,
P.S. Mousy says he stink-fingered Bunny Cote.
Anyways, I present an open invitation to anyone who has a fantasy naming dilemma. Please contact me via email or comment and my team of consultants will get working on it right away.
Who knows? You could be the next Awesome Prank Farva.
YouTube Clip Of The Day
Can't wait until Delonte and Rondo pull this off. And no, the Sit Down Rando Experience has not been taken.