Friday, November 03, 2006

Holding Elections on the First Wednesday after the Second Sunday Would Just Be Silly

Election time is right around the corner, and as the proprietor of the blog which won the award for, "Blog Most Read By People In A Key Political Demographic Who Prefer To Read Blogs That Make Up Facetious Awards In Order To Prove Points In Weird Roundabout Ways", I know it's my duty to educate everyone on the goings on of this election.

In Massachusetts, we have a groundbreaking election in the race for the governor. Every scenario produces a "first ever" governor.

If DemocratDeval Patrick wins, Massachusetts will have it's first black governor. Yes, it only took until 2006. And you wonder why everyone thinks Massachusetts is so racist.

If RepublicanKerry Healey wins, we will have our first elected female governor. Kerry Healey also looks like the least fun person of all time.

If Green Party candidateGrace Ross wins, we'll have our first lesbian governor who still wears Zubaz

And, if Independent Christy Mihos wins we'll have our first batshit insane governor who looks decidedly like an Oompa Loompa

It looks like Patrick will win pretty easily, but it's still been an entertaining race. Grace Ross has been making the most sense but since she has no money, no legitimate political party, no weight loss plan, no orthodontist, and no sense of style she won't win. Christy Mihos the Independent in the race is certifiably in-fucking-sane and has no real valid points. He's filthy rich and made all his money from founding Christy's mini-marts and has a serious fake tanning problem. Kerry Healey has the award winning combination of having no personality, no grasp at how normal people live their lives, and the unfortunate perma-connection to Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney wasis the current goveror of the Bay State. For the past year and a half he's been everywhere but Massachusetts, campaigning for the Presidency. People around here are pissed about it, but we shouldnt be surprised. He did the same thing to be Winter Olympics Chairman in Utah, and if he wins the Presidency, don't be surprised if, around year 3, he applies for British citizenship and runs for Prime Minister.

Alot of people are worried that John Kerry's comments will affect the Democrats one way or another. In case you've been under a rock, or under a bridge, as most of my Troll demographic tends to be, Kerry made some comments about troops in Iraq that were either inflamatory, or a botched joke. Knowing Kerry's track record of being a troop and a bad joker, I agree with the latter, but that's not my point.

Instead of this, I think we should worry about people with 'Support The Troops' bumper stickers. Why, you say? Well, people with 'Support The Troops' bumper stickers are clearly deranged. Think about it.

Every American, whether they agree with the war or not, supports the troops. No one wants those kids to die, that would be insane. So, by my logic, anyone who wants to advertise that they support something inherently good is seriously flawed.

It's like Ugg Boots.

Everyone wants to walk comfortably and by Katelyn's account, "Ugg Boots are like walking on clouds". So, I have no problem with Ugg Boots in general, but when people wear them over their pants, it's flaunting the fact that they want to be comfortable when they walk. That's silly. And it looks retarded.

So, do as I do, friends of blog. When you drive around and see someone with a 'Support The Troops' bumper sticker, tail them. Chances are, you'll find them burying a body, setting fire to something, or doing anything else that is easily deflected by the fact that they do something they're supposed to do so much that they need a bumper sticker to prove it.

This whole Reverend Ted Haggard thing is fantastic. Here's the long and short of it: A pastor from one of those mega-churches who is adamantly against gay marriage gets busted for soliciting a male escort.

It gets better...

He says he bought crystal meth from the escort and got a massage

It gets better...

He claims he only bought the meth because he was curious, but didn't use it and threw it out. Also, nothing sexual happened with the male escort.

It gets better...

The male prostitute's name?




Have you joined the obnoxiously named Facebook group created in this blog's honor? Have you told your friends to read the blog? Have you decided to comment so it's not just my idiot friends critiquing my grammar? Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior? Wouldn't it be awesome if my blog went hardcore evangelical Christian (minus the meth and gay sex) all of a sudden?

YouTube Clip Of The Day

Best. Live. Band. Ever.

(peep the percussionists)


B. Geiler said...

Jeff, I'm pretty sure that there was only one other elected black governor in US history. This isn't just a Massachusetts problem.

d. chaves said...

In today's Metro (or Globe, I forget which), they had the story of how Reverend Ted Haggard wrote a letter to his church saying he he had 'given in' to evil. Next to it, a caption ran saying that NPH himself (Neil Patrick Harris) has come out of the closet.

Your thoughts?