I never had a problem with my wallet, until recently. In the last month or so my girlfriend and coworkers have been commenting on my "Costanza Wallet." I had noticed that my front pocket had become less roomy, a problem I had attributed to a change in the standard size of front pockets across the denim industry rather than my wallet becoming overstuffed. In retrospect, this seems patently ridiculous.
What follows are the actual contents of my wallet:
One (1) Driver's License: This seems fairly necessary.
One (1) Work ID: Likewise.
One (1) Blockbuster card issued to my Mom in 1996: Can probably do without.
One (1) Updated AAA card: Considering I had 4 of them in there until recently, this is an improvement.
One (1) Picture of Katelyn: Awesome picture. Necessary in any wallet I own.
One (1) Jillian's Player Club Card: The Jillian's in Boston got rid of their video games about 5 years ago This is probably not important. I did carry this card with me because, "I think I might need it, sometime." This time occurred several years ago at the Jillian's on Long Island. They would not accept this card because "Boston does their own thing." Status: Trashed. We're making progress.
One (1) Dental Plan Card: I have never been asked for this at my dentist, but you never know.
Four (4) Credit/Debit Cards: 2 defunct, 2 active. Which is which? That's for you to guess, robber. Always have decoys.
Three (3) Cards to Supermarkets I do not shop at: Additionally, I have corresponding key chain mini-cards to each of these currently on my key chain. Status: Trashed.
One (1) Ikea Gift Card: With no money on it.... I think?
One (1) Friend Of Harpoon Membership Card: So far membership has no privileges.... other than probably raising any potential arresting officer's suspicion.
One (1) Best Buy Reward Zone Card: Supposedly you just need a phone number for Best Buy to credit purchases to your Reward Zone card. But why risk it?
One (1) Men's Wearhouse Perfect Fit Card: Thus far, I've been fitted for 3 tuxes this summer, and each time they've automatically applied them to my Perfect Fit account, no card necessary. Maybe I will relegate this card to desk drawer status, instead.
Two (2) Health Insurance Cards: One for me, one for a friend?
Two (2) Business cards of friends: I suppose it might be important to note that I speak to these friends regularly, have their cell phone numbers in my phone, and know their email addresses by heart.
Five (5) of my Business cards: On only one occasion have I given my business card to a non-family member or friend. I think it was to lighten the load. For some reason I think they might a) Get me access to somewhere cool (not likely), b) get me out of a speeding ticket (less likely), c) Impress someone important (least likely.)
One (1) Ticket stub to the December 7th, 2008 5:00PM showing of Role Models in Tucson, Arizona: Potential collector's item. Status: Imminent eBay-ing.
One (1) Padlock combination: For the locker in which I lock my wallet at the gym.
One (1) 2008-2009 Pocket Bruins Schedule: Do you know where you where on November 1, 2008? I do.
One (1) Best Buy receipt totalling $785.39: In case I'm ever out with friends and need to return my TV!
Three (3) Fortune cookie fortunes: "You are about to begin a prosperous business venture."; "Good news of a long-awaited event will arrive soon."; "A new venture will be a success." Additionally, I now know how to say "Drunk/Tipsy" and "To eat" in Chinese.
One (1) ticket stub to The Dead Weather at Boston's House of Blues 7/18/09: For instant hipster street cred, when needed.
Three (3) Hofstra University College ID's: I graduated Hofstra in 2004.
- One of these is a temporary Alumni ID in case I ever need to: use the Axinn Library, Computer Lab or Rec. Center. I've been back roughly 3 times since graduation.
- As for the other two, one is the ID everyone had and one is a major collector's item. In 2003, Hofstra switched over ID's to this really ugly white, yellow and blue ID. Everyone had to turn in their old ID's to get their new one... except me, who on the strength of a savvy lie, got to keep my old one. This was a highly controversial move across campus and widely remembered, by only me.
Thirteen (13) US Dollars: Sadly, the only things that will leave my wallet at a rapid rade.