Monday, February 19, 2007

Chronicling A Yankee Sleepover

Pitchers and catchers have reported which means it's about that time to spend an inordinate amount of time on stupid bullshit.

Manny Ramirez's lateness - CHECK

Roger Clemens' decision - CHECK

A-Rod's feelings - CHECK

But the A-Rod saga got a bit interesting today with this startling admission concerning his faltering relationship with Derek Jeter:

"You go from sleeping over at somebody's house five days a week, and now you don't sleep over."

No one seems to know how to take this (aside from the morons who hawk shirts in Kenmore Square. The printing presses are running overtime).

Two men in their late 20's having sleepovers? That's just creepy, though the men of Wedding Crashers may find it innovative.

I, for one, am pretty intrigued as to what might go on at a Yankee slumber party. Fortunately, through various FOIA requests I was able to get my hands on a copy of a A-Rod's journal, back from that magical February of 2004.

Dear Diary,

This is sooooo kickass.

Everyone's been really really nice since I got here, especially Derek. I was worried that he would be kinda cold because of some stuff I had said in the past, but I apologized and he was really nice. He even asked if I wanted to have a sleepover at his place in Tampa.


Guess where I'm writing from right now, Diary?! Yup, Derek's!

Last night was probably the greatest night ever. Derek invited most of the team over for the sleepover and it was really cool just being one of the guys.

Everyone got there at, like 6:30. Kevin Brown was late. Actually, he's kind of a jerk. When he got there he said, in font of everyone, "Looks like I missed the make-up party, ladies. Lay off the purple lipstick, Alex". Everyone laughed and I felt like an idiot. I also quickly stashed the Avon pamphlets Cynthia made me take
to give out to the guys for their wives. I told her that was dumb.

Once everyone settled (Jose Contreras fell asleep) Derek told us he rented Still, We Believe and that we should order pizzas. Kevin Brown said that I better be paying. What is that guy's deal? I made a pretty great joke about Just For Men. He said something about a Jerk Store. I didn't get it, but I think I won the battle.

The movie was pretty cool. We had to turn the volume up because Enrique Wilson kept texting Manny Ramirez and wouldn't turn the key volume down. Then, we had to shut it off in the middle because Bernie Williams HAD to play us some stuff from his new CD. I joked and said that I didn't like Mamba because of the way they separated the flavors within the packet.

Brad Halsey called me a Fuckface.

After, we had dessert. Derek busted out an ice cream sundae buffet. I made two mistakes. First, I stepped on Gary Sheffield's toes. I mumbled something about giving me a buddy pass, but he didn't think it was funny. He gave me a death stare until he left this morning. Seriously, he didn't even sleep, he just watched me.

That frazzled me, which probably led to my next mistake. I accidentally made my sundae inside John Olerud's helmet. I told him it was stupid to leave the helmet so close to the bowls, but he was pretty steamed. Whoops.

Things settled down after that and the rest of the night was pretty cool. Let me just tell you this. Jason Giambi is the craziest Truth or Dare player of all time. He will do any dare you set on the table. And he kept choosing the dare, too. He's nuts!

So, that was last night, Diary. Today's been uneventful and everyone's already gone. Someone wrote 'Gay-Rod' on my forearm with a sharpie. I think it was Kevin Brown. Why does he have to pick on me???

Well, Diary, I can't wait for the next time. Derek says the next sleepover is in the works!!

I'm so happy I'm here!


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